Category: Journey of Self

Gaslighting

You refused to take responsibility 
So I accepted it instead
Until the day I found 
You in someone else’s bed

You didn’t do the right thing
You clutched your pearls and said,
“If only you had been the wife
You promised when we wed”

At first I shrank around the wound
Thinking you were right
Believing that it may be true
That I’d been a lousy wife

I thought of all the arguments 
That were constant in our life
The years of ugly, cutting blame
The insistence you were right

But then the rage came rushing in
You would gaslight me no more
I said that you were full of shit
And kicked you out the door

I realized I had done my part
In holding up my vow
It was you who failed on every front
I’d not be blamed right now

You made choices on your own
Now I have made some too
So hit the road, you selfish prick
Gaslighting days are through 

-gws

Tabula Rasa

My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities

Slow to emerge from the long shadows 
And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear
I begin to wonder what awaits me
Who awaits me

The question nauseates me
I'm not ready to open my heart
Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon
And yet I find myself wondering 
Will there be another 
My heart fearfully whispering,
"Will I get a second chance?"

I'm not ready to fall in love again
I am only longing for the magic of falling
The elation that comes from feeling seen
Feeling chosen
Because all I wanted for so long 
Was to feel chosen
To be enough

I am working to remember how to love me
How to be enough for myself
How to appreciate my perfect imperfections
How to forgive the choices I made to survive
I must become reacquainted with me

My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities
Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live
And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured
I embrace my next chapter gratefully
Even as my knees quake with each step forward

My blank slate has its first word: freedom
Its second word: peace
I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start

-gws

I Grieve

I grieve you
The you I fell in love with
The you who glowed when you laughed
The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability 

You are not dead
But you are gone
No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back

I can’t help but want to see you again
Beneath the monster who wears your skin
The one who ate away the soul of you over long years

If I hear you
I know it is not you
It is an echo of you
A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you
I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won
Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction
Consumed you from the inside out

I grieve you
I grieve my hope for you
For us
For our family

I grieve the dream turned nightmare
I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease
I loved you
I lost you
I’m sorry

-gws

The Luxury of Familiarity

I am no longer funding 
The luxury of familiarity

It has cost me too much
And offered questionable ROI

I am only entertaining thoughtful investment
In quality platonic companionship

For those interested in applying
Limited applications are being accepted

A nonrefundable fee will be assessed
And a thorough background check performed

I reserve the right to cancel the requisition at any time
And invest in my own peace instead

-gws

Heroes Be Damned

There was no knight or shining armor
There was a woman who survived
Who may have screamed and clawed and begged on her knees
While she fought, and endured, and kept picking herself up
There was no figure with a cape, or sword, or an army coming to her rescue
Only her resolve, her tenacity, her iron will
Sometimes she had to become a monster to fight a monster
Sometimes she had to wait, and strategize, and plan
Her life and soul were her own to save
Her future freedom reliant on her endurance and wit

She had to be her own comfort
Give her own pep talks
Rally her own spirit for the next round
She wiped her own sweat from her brow, and tears from her cheeks
She allowed adversity to forge her in its fire
Allowed pain to build and test her tolerances
Because to survive was the only viable choice
Never was there any consideration given to surrender
She loved herself enough to persist

It wasn't easy, or simple, or linear
There were as many setbacks as there were battles won
As many bruises never seen as scars to be witnessed
More days spent on the edge of abandoning herself than known
She called on every god
Begged them and cursed them and abandoned them all
They had already given her their gifts in the pockets of her soul
It was her job to find and manifest them
It was her job to save herself using all she already had bestowed on her

So she gritted her teeth as cornered animals do
She growled and launched into the fight of her life
She made hard, often heart breaking choices
Made the necessary sacrifices
Regained her feet after every knockdown
Shook off every blinding blow
All the while strategically landing felling blows
Until there was nothing between her and freedom
But a thundering heart and infinite possibilities
Let all other heroes be damned
She could take care of herself

-gws

Ritual

I have coated my boundaries in sacred salt
Saged the walls of my mind
Served healing teas to my soul 
Soaked my dreams in moon water 
Calmed my spirits with lavender sachets 

I have removed the “welcome” mat from my doorstep 
Hung a horseshoe above my threshold 
Covered my aura in layers of steel 
Cut the cord with silver shears
All to reclaim myself from you 

-gws