Category: Journey of Self

I Identify with Persephone

I identify with Persephone

I am a spring maiden at heart
Celebrating life’s sunshine and rainbows
A believer in growth and renewal
Optimistic and hopeful

I also hold a dread queen in my soul
Content to sit quietly in darkness
Observant and calculated
Unafraid of the shadows
Happy to don my crown
Glimmering with pomegranate seeds
The color of blood
To remind the foolish
I am not the one 

-gws

Creation

My soul vibrates
Longing to be a conduit for creation 
The spark burns high and hot
My hands long to be covered in
Ink
Paint
Pastels
To fill blank pages with worlds
That only exist in the nebula inside me
Demanding to birth a thousand stars
Urgent and consuming
I long to surrender to the deflagration 
Of creative energy
Igniting a conflagration 
Leaving me empty and sated
Surrounded by pages filled with words 
Dipped in vivid colors and
Complex textures
Tangible, living pieces of me
Like so many falling leaves in autumn

-gws

Villain Era

Before I enter my “Healed Woman” era
I must detour into my “Villain” era
You see…
I was cast in the villain role for so long
I might as well embrace the casting for a term
With that said…
Do not be concerned at my black wardrobe
My blood red lips
Do not pay mind to my near silent mumbling
As I light candles and cast salt about
Fret not over my narrowed, focused eyes
Rimmed in thick black liner
As I observe and calculate my options
Do not wonder about the herb-coated offerings
Laid out beneath the full moon
None of it is your concern
Cross the street
Avert your gaze
Do not trouble yourself wondering in my direction
I’m embracing my dark side
Doing my shadow work
If my shadow is meant to fall upon you
You will know

-gws

Gaslighting

You refused to take responsibility 
So I accepted it instead
Until the day I found 
You in someone else’s bed

You didn’t do the right thing
You clutched your pearls and said,
“If only you had been the wife
You promised when we wed”

At first I shrank around the wound
Thinking you were right
Believing that it may be true
That I’d been a lousy wife

I thought of all the arguments 
That were constant in our life
The years of ugly, cutting blame
The insistence you were right

But then the rage came rushing in
You would gaslight me no more
I said that you were full of shit
And kicked you out the door

I realized I had done my part
In holding up my vow
It was you who failed on every front
I’d not be blamed right now

You made choices on your own
Now I have made some too
So hit the road, you selfish prick
Gaslighting days are through 

-gws

Tabula Rasa

My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities

Slow to emerge from the long shadows 
And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear
I begin to wonder what awaits me
Who awaits me

The question nauseates me
I'm not ready to open my heart
Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon
And yet I find myself wondering 
Will there be another 
My heart fearfully whispering,
"Will I get a second chance?"

I'm not ready to fall in love again
I am only longing for the magic of falling
The elation that comes from feeling seen
Feeling chosen
Because all I wanted for so long 
Was to feel chosen
To be enough

I am working to remember how to love me
How to be enough for myself
How to appreciate my perfect imperfections
How to forgive the choices I made to survive
I must become reacquainted with me

My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities
Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live
And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured
I embrace my next chapter gratefully
Even as my knees quake with each step forward

My blank slate has its first word: freedom
Its second word: peace
I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start

-gws

I Grieve

I grieve you
The you I fell in love with
The you who glowed when you laughed
The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability 

You are not dead
But you are gone
No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back

I can’t help but want to see you again
Beneath the monster who wears your skin
The one who ate away the soul of you over long years

If I hear you
I know it is not you
It is an echo of you
A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you
I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won
Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction
Consumed you from the inside out

I grieve you
I grieve my hope for you
For us
For our family

I grieve the dream turned nightmare
I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease
I loved you
I lost you
I’m sorry

-gws