I have worn my tear stains like war paint
The flush of agony, despair, and rage, too
I have unleashed keening so potent
The gods stopped to answer
With a path to deliverance
-gws
War Paint
Tag: Abuse/Struggle
Questions
How did it feel when I was finally arrested?
Did it bring you glee to know I was handcuffed and taken away?
Were you happy your long standing desire was finally fulfilled?
Were you satisfied with yourself?
Did you celebrate?
Did you pat yourself on the back triumphantly?
Did you rejoice knowing I was forced into the company of actual criminals?
Did it make you giddy to know I experienced the humiliation of being strip searched?
Were you finally satisfied to get the mother of your children arrested?
Was it all you hoped for?
Who does that?
Who plots plans premediates such things?
Who bates and berates?
Who starts a fire and fans the flames?
Who then pretends that they didn't create the inferno?
Who has no remorse?
Who shows love like that?
Who did I marry?
How soon can I be free?
-gws
Scars
You gave me scars deep below my skin
So I keyed this poem into your car
A parting gift
A reminder of the damage you've caused
Easier to repair than what you did to me
-gws
Ghost Story
The first time I saw a ghost
I was looking in a mirror
I didn't recognize
The eyes starting back at me
-gws
Better
I have been asked
If I thought I didn't deserve better
If I thought I couldn't have better
If I thought he was the best I could do
NO
I knew I deserved better
I knew I was worth better
I knew I could have better
I was in love
I believed my relationship
Could become better
Would become better
I just had to wait and believe
I clung to breadcrumbs
While my soul starved
I believed in a dream
Long past its expiration date
I held onto hope
Even when the nightmares
Haunted the wakeful day
I had to do everything I could
Until it became undeniably clear
There was nothing else I could do
When it was clear it was him and not me
I had shown up
Put the work in
Tried and cried and tired again
And he wouldn't meet me
He couldn't accept responsibility for his part
He wouldn't do the work
He wanted me to keep changing
Transforming
Making myself less so he could be more
Smaller
More compliant
Less of a person
More of a puppet
A Stepford Wife
That could never please him anyway
I knew that my luminescence was what drew him to me
My shine was acceptable then
My shine is acceptable now
Just not to him
I knew love shouldn't feel like this
Be like this
Behave like this
Hurt like this
Love does not bully
Love does not belittle
Love does not plot against the one it adores
Love does not manipulate or blame
Love does not destroy others to make itself feel powerful
My hope became my prison
An escape room I allowed to be created around me
I found myself trapped in its ever shifting walls
It would take time
It would take opportunity
It would take all the courage I had to leave
To choose me
And to not look back
I do deserve better
And reclaiming myself
Is where I start to create better
-gws
When I Met You
When I met you
You were charming
But nowhere near perfect
You were charismatic
But endearingly flawed
You were looking for a party
But you accidentally found a home
When you met me
I was unapologetically myself
But I was naive
I was willing to take risks
But not necessarily with my heart
I was looking for experiences
But accidentally found connection
What I didn't know
Was what a damaged soul looked like
What I didn't know
Was that you were a blackhole gobbling the light
What you didn't know
Was I was a whole universe
What you didn't know
Was divine light cannot be devoured
We didn't begin as we ended
We started as a soft glow
Hopeful and carefree
I couldn't tell you when
I think the inferno began
I became the fuel that you would burn
Trying to fill your infernal yearning
The gaping emptiness inside of you
With a meaningful light
That once was me
I thought if I loved you enough
I would somehow be enough
To sate your appetite for more
But all you were was an insatiable maw
And I a blazing star
Who's fire was never bright enough
Who's light could never warm you up
Because black holes cannot be quenched
They can only demand - MORE
So I became a comet with a star at its core
My corona full of survival and fury
Breaking free of your event horizon
I would not be devoured by your darkness
Now no light surrounds you
You have consumed all else you had
Nothing orbits you but cold and quiet
The space around you dead
When you met me
We had hope we could love each other well
When I left you
Was to heal from just how far I fell
But I'm a girl with phoenix wings
And a star within my heart
I blaze a trail across the sky
As I make a fresh new start
-gws
Monster
Am I now the monster you wanted me to be
The one who looks only to me
Who collected every tear I cried
Until they became a tragic sea
Upon that sea I built a boat
And struggled just to keep afloat
While you growled and raged and stormed
And locked my voice inside my throat
For years I let you make me small
Choking me with blame for all
Your vast fears and insecurities
Your own inflictions you can't recall
So let me be a monster now
And you can tell exactly how
You took a girl who loved you well
And nearly broke her spirit down
But don't forget to tell the tale
Of how that girl did so prevail
Walked away for good and true
And cut herself a brand new trail
-gws
There are Days I’m Not Ok
There are days I’m not ok
Or hours
Or minutes
Or breaths
The doubt suffocating
Grief a scream locked deep in my chest
I am reminded I am making the right choices
Shown proof of it again and again
Did you know the right things can
Sometimes feel so terribly wrong
Sometimes the fear rises
The paralyzing fear of all the ugliness
I so desperately seek freedom from
You never believe you’re conditioned
To feel you deserve abuse until you are
Until your stomach drops as the energy changes
And your breathing quickens
And you start calculating how bad their rage will be this time
Words bruise so much worse than fists
The self doubt stripping your confidence
The gaslighting destabilizing reality despite
Your inner voice calling out the lies in all of it
Knowing that there is no defense when you
Are forced to wear the badge of victimizer
Despite being the real victim
Because it makes them feel powerful and justified
Emotional abuse is a mind fuck of the worst degree
And some people make a career of the art of it
In this breath
This minute
This hour
This day
I am not ok
They say I will be someday
-gws
The Lost Lost Boy
Oh Peter!
You have lost a Lost Boy
He never made it to Neverland
He couldn't find the second star on the right
And he ended up in the Alleys of Midnight
Alone and scared
No one could hear him
No one would help him
Everyone he trusted let him down
Oh Peter!
As he grew up
(For the Alleys of Midnight
Forced everyone to grow up)
His spirit grew dark
His shadow dominant
He waited for rescue that never came
And his tears turned him bitter
And his bitterness bred a rage
That would quake the feather
In Captain Hook's hat
Oh Peter!
Can you help him?
Can you rescue him?
Can you take him to the forests
And play follow-the-leader games?
Can you show him how to
Think happy thoughts again?
Can you resurrect his inner child
By splashing in the Mermaid Lagoon?
Can you help him believe in hope again?
-gws
Little Men
My darlings
You became little men
The day we ran from the boogeyman
You met the task as an adventure
Not yet aware that the world you knew
Crumbled while you slept
I will bring you as much magic as you can hold
To keep your hearts moored in innocence
I cannot stitch your world whole again
I promise to weave you a new tapestry
Rich in dreams
Love
Possibility
My little men
You have learned too early
How unkind the world can be
But we will meet it
Softly
Gently
Together
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 