Nevermind

Nevermind
You see
You were never mine
Not the way I needed you to be
You were an illusion
A twenty-four and seven hologram
Insubstantial and incapable
Pinocchio with a nose job
A foundation full of rot
On which we placed our house
And when the floor fell out
You did not reach for me
Did not treat my scrapes
Nor bandage my wounds
You told me to walk it off
Toughen up
It wasn't that big a deal
Not everything was about me
YOU were the one who was injured here
Look at what I did to YOUR floor
Look at what I did to YOUR life
And I believed I was the weak spot
The salt in the wound of us

Nevermind
You see
You were never mine
You simply made me believe
In an us without a we
Told me that was how it was supposed to be
My every need an inconvenience
My efforts doomed to fall short
A fat lazy black bitch
Who just wouldn't listen
Who just wouldn't drown my sense of self in your ego
And join you in your fortress of delusions

Nevermind
You see
You were never mine
And now I belong to me
After taking too long to see
I needed to be worth more to me
Than I was ever worth to you

-gws

Seen

I spent too much time curled into myself in the dark
Screaming into nothingness
"Please SEE me!"
Staring at my own reflection
Struggling to be my own witness
Watering my seeds of worthiness
With bitter, hopeless tears
Whispering "You matter" at soulless silvered glass
While my hollow reflection stared blankly back
Unmoved

I was looking for the focus of the blind
Begging for the acknowledgment of Narcissus
Looking for shelter under a tree that offered no shade
Trapped in a circle of salt crusting my eyes
Unable to find a patch of sunlight in winter
Shackled starving sacrifice 
Ignorant I held the key in my hand
To the shackles I forged and fitted myself

When I was thoroughly cried out
Starved so long I felt sated
I chipped away the concretion obscuring my vision
To discover I was surrounded by pinpoints of light
Lanterns bobbing at the edges of my shadows
I turned the key and let the shackles fall away
Pressed my fingers to the tally marks I carved in the leafless tree
And crawled toward those hopeful orbs
As I got closer they began to coalesce
Becoming a chorus of light

From that light came strong and gentle hands
Lifting me to my feet
Embracing me 
Murmuring words of love and encouragement
Safety and serenity
Pride and comfort
They fed and watered me
Cared for me tenderly 
And reminded me how to do the same for myself
They shined their warm light upon me
They sang and celebrated me

And I was seen

gws

Wounds

I experienced the blood without feeling
Without feeling the wound
To heal the wound
I must feel the pain
Then do the work 
To clean it away
There is no healing 
Without feeling 

-gws

Slay

These poems are a journey 
That began in the light of hope and love
Then slowly meandered through increasing darkness 
They dare to expose the skeletons and demons 
Barely hidden behind my front door for too long
The narration begins in the middle 
After darkness had well fallen
And documents my struggle to breathe
My desperate journey to find myself again 

And for those who live with horrors who wear human faces
If I found my way free
I know you can too
Let these poems serve as proof 
That though it is not easy
Freedom can be won
You can take your life back 
Write the story exactly as YOU wish it to be

Sometimes the dragon burns down the world 
As long as you’re standing 
No matter how wounded
You can slay that dragon
You ARE the hero of your story
YOU get to say when the story is over
YOU get to decide how the new book starts
YOU get to do whatever the hell YOU want
Take my story and forge it into your sword of courage 
SLAY

-gws

Done

“I am done,” is the quietest, most power-filled sentence in a woman’s lexicon.

-gws

Discomfort

I breathe and it is not enough
I pray for help for life is tough
I tire of carrying this broken trust
I wish to just feel safe again

My skin too tight, my mind too loud
I seek to avoid the merry crowd
I am now scared when I once was proud
I wish to just feel safe again

I fell asleep so full of hope
And woke within the hangman's rope
Fear wedged deep inside my throat
I wish to just feel safe again

Trust once lost is hard to earn
Apprehension in my belly churns
Quiet rage, set low, still burns
I wish to just feel safe again

Discomfort visits everyday
A mix of feelings eating away
The world no longer morally gray
I wish to just feel safe again

-gws

My Story To Tell

Speaking one’s truth is an act 
Of rebellion
Of reclaiming 
Of liberation  
It is stepping into the light 
After living in the dark for too long
It is my story to tell
And I will tell it as part of my healing

-gws

Broken Love

All of the anger
This hurt
This loss
This heartache 
Was once love

You handled it 
Roughly 
Carelessly 
Thoughtlessly 

You returned it to me
A broken toy
Remorseless
While crying insult
From my lack of gratitude 
At your “effort”

-gws

Dueling Truths

“My heart says, ‘I love him,’ and my mind tells me to keep running.”

This is the complex reality that no one can comprehend until they’ve been in it.  It tears at my own mind, and I struggle to split one instinct from the other.  To compartmentalize these dueling truths so I can continue to protect my peace.

-gws

Lock That Door

When we leave a toxic relationship 
self-doubt and second guessing prevent us
From locking the door behind us

We wonder if we’ve made the right choice
We wonder if we’ve made a mistake 

If your freedom feels like liberation 
You have made the right choice 
For your long term wellbeing 

It’s time to lock that door

-gws