Category: Journey of Self

A Warning for the Non-Poet

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If you do not speak fluent poetry -
you cannot worship at my alter
You do not speak the language
my bible is scribed in 

If you do not speak fluent poetry -
how will you know the names of my stars?
how will you worship the moonlight with me?
how will you engage in late night philosophical speculations?

If you do not speak fluent poetry -
you will no be able to unlock the hidden parts of my soul
I will present you observations gilded with ethereal luminescence
yet you can only see the putrid green of florescent bulbs

If you do not speak fluent poetry -
how will you ever make me taste your dreams?
how will you sound the depths of sorrow?
how will you effulge joy?

If you do not speak fluent poetry - 
I am not your way station
You will drown in my abyssal currents
and never understand why

And I will not be responsible for that.

-gws

My Voice

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One night
Under the witness of starlight
I snuck into the garden
Knelt in the midnight-dark soil
And planted my tiny voice in the moonlit earth

It would not grow inside my throat
You see
There was no room for it there
So I had to pluck the small, fragile thing out

I knew it had things to say
Experiences to share
Stories to weave with the help of breath and feeling
But it was failing to thrive inside my throat
A smothered and guttering spark

I knew it would grow roots in the rich earth
After all
It was closest to the ancestors' bones
I knew that when the sun rose it would grow
And when the rain fell it would drink deep

I fertilized it with poetry
Tended it with song
And sure enough it grew bit by bit
It became a hardy thing
A beautiful thing full of strength and confidence

One morning
In the light of dawn
I dug it up and swallowed it down
One giant gulp
It flipped and turned as it settled 
Leaving my throat raw and aching

When it  finally stilled
 I spoke
My voice emerged rich and warm
It did not waiver or whisper
I began to tell my stories and sing my songs
And when I was shushed
My voice resounded like a thunderclap

It would never be small again

-gws

Conversations with You

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I’m still in love with the dream of you
The you full of potential and promises
Who made me feel…
But loving a dream costs too much
So much unspoken subtext in each conversation
Truths too costly to acknowledge
Feelings beneath the surface
Drowning in sorrow 
The boundary between us
A pane of glass
Impassable and impenetrable
For all but what lies
Unsaid in our eyes
I see it on your face too
Things that you want to say
Feelings unresolved 
Both of us arcing
Not allowed to connect
Knowing you would welcome being consumed 
I would not survive what sparks
Dreams offer no foundation
And I need stability now
I pray to wake from this wanting
Of a you that never was 
Or will ever be

-gws

Nevermind

Nevermind
You see
You were never mine
Not the way I needed you to be
You were an illusion
A twenty-four and seven hologram
Insubstantial and incapable
Pinocchio with a nose job
A foundation full of rot
On which we placed our house
And when the floor fell out
You did not reach for me
Did not treat my scrapes
Nor bandage my wounds
You told me to walk it off
Toughen up
It wasn't that big a deal
Not everything was about me
YOU were the one who was injured here
Look at what I did to YOUR floor
Look at what I did to YOUR life
And I believed I was the weak spot
The salt in the wound of us

Nevermind
You see
You were never mine
You simply made me believe
In an us without a we
Told me that was how it was supposed to be
My every need an inconvenience
My efforts doomed to fall short
A fat lazy black bitch
Who just wouldn't listen
Who just wouldn't drown my sense of self in your ego
And join you in your fortress of delusions

Nevermind
You see
You were never mine
And now I belong to me
After taking too long to see
I needed to be worth more to me
Than I was ever worth to you

-gws

I Want to Be THAT Kind of Woman

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I love watching the women with fire in their veins
The girls with Punky Brewster profiles
They enter with energy so big the room feels small
Laughs that ring out above the rest - distinctive and full bellied
They refuse to be shamed by the PTA moms
Not allowing their messy edges to take away from their contributions
They embody the revolutionary girl that Nikita Gill wrote rules for
Standing up for themselves and others
Accepting no excuses for bad behavior
They are often truth tellers slicing through mass delusions
Magic makers manifesting dreams into reality
Only ever competing with themselves
Chin high and eyes sharp
They are goddess and girl
Witch and woman
Scorching or blessing the ground they walk
In equal measure
Giving no fucks and taking no shit
As they say "yes, and" or "hell, no"
Fierce and joyous and unapologetically free

-gws

Divorce

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And so the sun begins its final setting
In that final twilight a transformation
US becomes YOU and ME
Without pomp or party
The bittersweet return to ourselves
Unwoven and remade 
Hopes already decaying underground
Receive no grave marker
Hard won freedom and quietly resonating loss
We are becoming reluctant singularities
This fading light falls upon the final paragraph in the book of us
Two new books await
Unmarred by pain and tears
I wish I could say there will be no mourning
There is a hole where the unwritten life was excised
A wound where the light just doesn't reach and never will
I am told this is not unreasonable
Deeply feeling people cannot stop feeling
Life is nowhere near so black and white to allow for such
I send with you the last of my hope
Hope you will find your way
Hope you will learn to heal your fractures
Hope you can become the father you wanted to be
As the calendar counts down
The minutes marching relentlessly by
I reflect on my love for you that never died
It just couldn't thrive or survive the wreckage we became
We have forever marked each other with kisses and scars
As stamp and ink erases us
I gratefully return you to your own keeping
And truly wish you well

-gws

A Potion for Healing

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1 cup courage
3 cups self-love
Mix gently with a handful of self-forgiveness
1 cup worthiness
1/2 cup of grit
Season with wisdom by the heart full
Knead in generous amounts of humor
Add a splash of multifaceted and glinting tears
Let rest for as long as instinct dictates
Your heart will know when it is ready
Garnish with wonder and joy
Consume slowly to allow the medicine to work
Partake often until peace and wholeness feels achieved

gws