One night Under the witness of starlight I snuck into the garden Knelt in the midnight-dark soil And planted my tiny voice in the moonlit earth
It would not grow inside my throat You see There was no room for it there So I had to pluck the small, fragile thing out
I knew it had things to say Experiences to share Stories to weave with the help of breath and feeling But it was failing to thrive inside my throat A smothered and guttering spark
I knew it would grow roots in the rich earth After all It was closest to the ancestors' bones I knew that when the sun rose it would grow And when the rain fell it would drink deep
I fertilized it with poetry Tended it with song And sure enough it grew bit by bit It became a hardy thing A beautiful thing full of strength and confidence
One morning In the light of dawn I dug it up and swallowed it down One giant gulp It flipped and turned as it settled Leaving my throat raw and aching
When it finally stilled I spoke My voice emerged rich and warm It did not waiver or whisper I began to tell my stories and sing my songs And when I was shushed My voice resounded like a thunderclap
I’m still in love with the dream of you The you full of potential and promises Who made me feel… But loving a dream costs too much So much unspoken subtext in each conversation Truths too costly to acknowledge Feelings beneath the surface Drowning in sorrow The boundary between us A pane of glass Impassable and impenetrable For all but what lies Unsaid in our eyes I see it on your face too Things that you want to say Feelings unresolved Both of us arcing Not allowed to connect Knowing you would welcome being consumed I would not survive what sparks Dreams offer no foundation And I need stability now I pray to wake from this wanting Of a you that never was Or will ever be
I lay beneath a starless sky Wondering where they have gone Have they become the freckles Dancing across my nose Strands of silver streaking my hair Glitter in my joyful tears Have they fallen to Earth So I can shine
Nevermind You see You were never mine Not the way I needed you to be You were an illusion A twenty-four and seven hologram Insubstantial and incapable Pinocchio with a nose job A foundation full of rot On which we placed our house And when the floor fell out You did not reach for me Did not treat my scrapes Nor bandage my wounds You told me to walk it off Toughen up It wasn't that big a deal Not everything was about me YOU were the one who was injured here Look at what I did to YOUR floor Look at what I did to YOUR life And I believed I was the weak spot The salt in the wound of us
Nevermind You see You were never mine You simply made me believe In an us without a we Told me that was how it was supposed to be My every need an inconvenience My efforts doomed to fall short A fat lazy black bitch Who just wouldn't listen Who just wouldn't drown my sense of self in your ego And join you in your fortress of delusions
Nevermind You see You were never mine And now I belong to me After taking too long to see I needed to be worth more to me Than I was ever worth to you
I love watching the women with fire in their veins The girls with Punky Brewster profiles They enter with energy so big the room feels small Laughs that ring out above the rest - distinctive and full bellied They refuse to be shamed by the PTA moms Not allowing their messy edges to take away from their contributions They embody the revolutionary girl that Nikita Gill wrote rules for Standing up for themselves and others Accepting no excuses for bad behavior They are often truth tellers slicing through mass delusions Magic makers manifesting dreams into reality Only ever competing with themselves Chin high and eyes sharp They are goddess and girl Witch and woman Scorching or blessing the ground they walk In equal measure Giving no fucks and taking no shit As they say "yes, and" or "hell, no" Fierce and joyous and unapologetically free
I bought myself roses today Colored for this transitional season The meridian between winter and spring Watched the red robins play in quiet branches Coated in the soft white of early spring snow Sat at my window sipping steaming coffee Tapping into a calm that was new to me Reveling in the luxury of peaceful stillness And let myself smile
And so the sun begins its final setting In that final twilight a transformation US becomes YOU and ME Without pomp or party The bittersweet return to ourselves Unwoven and remade Hopes already decaying underground Receive no grave marker Hard won freedom and quietly resonating loss We are becoming reluctant singularities This fading light falls upon the final paragraph in the book of us Two new books await Unmarred by pain and tears I wish I could say there will be no mourning There is a hole where the unwritten life was excised A wound where the light just doesn't reach and never will I am told this is not unreasonable Deeply feeling people cannot stop feeling Life is nowhere near so black and white to allow for such I send with you the last of my hope Hope you will find your way Hope you will learn to heal your fractures Hope you can become the father you wanted to be As the calendar counts down The minutes marching relentlessly by I reflect on my love for you that never died It just couldn't thrive or survive the wreckage we became We have forever marked each other with kisses and scars As stamp and ink erases us I gratefully return you to your own keeping And truly wish you well
1 cup courage 3 cups self-love Mix gently with a handful of self-forgiveness 1 cup worthiness 1/2 cup of grit Season with wisdom by the heart full Knead in generous amounts of humor Add a splash of multifaceted and glinting tears Let rest for as long as instinct dictates Your heart will know when it is ready Garnish with wonder and joy Consume slowly to allow the medicine to work Partake often until peace and wholeness feels achieved
I find myself standing upon another threshold Bags packed Affairs ordered The past at my back as I stand poised to step into my future In this liminal space I wish to pause To linger in this brief moment Between heartbeats Between footsteps To reflect on this transition
I have packed the important things Lessons Friendships Memories Love Potential Hope I have purged the obsolete Pain Fear Illusions Expectations Obligations A version of a life I outgrew
I note my era of milestones Marriage Motherhood Misery greater than a person should ever hold
I will miss the map pin piercing the shape of what has been and always will be home Marking the places and people that ripened me into the woman I am Whose stories now inform my mythology
The second hand strains I breathe in one more breath Infuse the ether of a fading life Into the nucleus of my cells As I complete my crossing Into the dawn of my new life
You finally let your mask slip And with it crumbled the dam I built for you Made of guilt and grief and pity You tore it all down with four texts Relieved me of the strain of false responsibility By revealing your true and malignant self Through the dust and dirt I finally knew what freedom felt like As the stones tumbled away and the air cleared I could finally see you sharply I knew in that moment I had done the right things A rumble began to rise As the rage began to ascend Suppressed beneath my compassion for you Barricaded by empathy your didn't deserve
Now the pain and hurt and grief and rage I held back for this last year Ices my skin Darkens my eyes Eliminates my capacity for compassion And awakens the tactician's skills The quiet, calculated, dark, divine feminine Is finally assuming her throne within me
Welcome to my healing era No fucks are given here anymore
Words Wishes and Wisdom 