There are days I’m not ok
Or hours
Or minutes 
Or breaths
The doubt suffocating 
Grief a scream locked deep in my chest
I am reminded I am making the right choices 
Shown proof of it again and again 
Did you know the right things can
Sometimes feel so terribly wrong

Sometimes the fear rises
The paralyzing fear of all the ugliness 
I so desperately seek freedom from 
You never believe you’re conditioned 
To feel you deserve abuse until you are
Until your stomach drops as the energy changes
And your breathing quickens 
And you start calculating how bad their rage will be this time

Words bruise so much worse than fists
The self doubt stripping your confidence 
The gaslighting destabilizing reality despite 
Your inner voice calling out the lies in all of it
Knowing that there is no defense when you
Are forced to wear the badge of victimizer
Despite being the real victim
Because it makes them feel powerful and justified
Emotional abuse is a mind fuck of the worst degree
And some people make a career of the art of it

In this breath
This minute 
This hour
This day 
I am not ok
They say I will be someday 

-gws