One night Under the witness of starlight I snuck into the garden Knelt in the midnight-dark soil And planted my tiny voice in the moonlit earth
It would not grow inside my throat You see There was no room for it there So I had to pluck the small, fragile thing out
I knew it had things to say Experiences to share Stories to weave with the help of breath and feeling But it was failing to thrive inside my throat A smothered and guttering spark
I knew it would grow roots in the rich earth After all It was closest to the ancestors' bones I knew that when the sun rose it would grow And when the rain fell it would drink deep
I fertilized it with poetry Tended it with song And sure enough it grew bit by bit It became a hardy thing A beautiful thing full of strength and confidence
One morning In the light of dawn I dug it up and swallowed it down One giant gulp It flipped and turned as it settled Leaving my throat raw and aching
When it finally stilled I spoke My voice emerged rich and warm It did not waiver or whisper I began to tell my stories and sing my songs And when I was shushed My voice resounded like a thunderclap
I lay beneath a starless sky Wondering where they have gone Have they become the freckles Dancing across my nose Strands of silver streaking my hair Glitter in my joyful tears Have they fallen to Earth So I can shine
Nevermind You see You were never mine Not the way I needed you to be You were an illusion A twenty-four and seven hologram Insubstantial and incapable Pinocchio with a nose job A foundation full of rot On which we placed our house And when the floor fell out You did not reach for me Did not treat my scrapes Nor bandage my wounds You told me to walk it off Toughen up It wasn't that big a deal Not everything was about me YOU were the one who was injured here Look at what I did to YOUR floor Look at what I did to YOUR life And I believed I was the weak spot The salt in the wound of us
Nevermind You see You were never mine You simply made me believe In an us without a we Told me that was how it was supposed to be My every need an inconvenience My efforts doomed to fall short A fat lazy black bitch Who just wouldn't listen Who just wouldn't drown my sense of self in your ego And join you in your fortress of delusions
Nevermind You see You were never mine And now I belong to me After taking too long to see I needed to be worth more to me Than I was ever worth to you
I bought myself roses today Colored for this transitional season The meridian between winter and spring Watched the red robins play in quiet branches Coated in the soft white of early spring snow Sat at my window sipping steaming coffee Tapping into a calm that was new to me Reveling in the luxury of peaceful stillness And let myself smile
And so the sun begins its final setting In that final twilight a transformation US becomes YOU and ME Without pomp or party The bittersweet return to ourselves Unwoven and remade Hopes already decaying underground Receive no grave marker Hard won freedom and quietly resonating loss We are becoming reluctant singularities This fading light falls upon the final paragraph in the book of us Two new books await Unmarred by pain and tears I wish I could say there will be no mourning There is a hole where the unwritten life was excised A wound where the light just doesn't reach and never will I am told this is not unreasonable Deeply feeling people cannot stop feeling Life is nowhere near so black and white to allow for such I send with you the last of my hope Hope you will find your way Hope you will learn to heal your fractures Hope you can become the father you wanted to be As the calendar counts down The minutes marching relentlessly by I reflect on my love for you that never died It just couldn't thrive or survive the wreckage we became We have forever marked each other with kisses and scars As stamp and ink erases us I gratefully return you to your own keeping And truly wish you well
1 cup courage 3 cups self-love Mix gently with a handful of self-forgiveness 1 cup worthiness 1/2 cup of grit Season with wisdom by the heart full Knead in generous amounts of humor Add a splash of multifaceted and glinting tears Let rest for as long as instinct dictates Your heart will know when it is ready Garnish with wonder and joy Consume slowly to allow the medicine to work Partake often until peace and wholeness feels achieved
You finally let your mask slip And with it crumbled the dam I built for you Made of guilt and grief and pity You tore it all down with four texts Relieved me of the strain of false responsibility By revealing your true and malignant self Through the dust and dirt I finally knew what freedom felt like As the stones tumbled away and the air cleared I could finally see you sharply I knew in that moment I had done the right things A rumble began to rise As the rage began to ascend Suppressed beneath my compassion for you Barricaded by empathy your didn't deserve
Now the pain and hurt and grief and rage I held back for this last year Ices my skin Darkens my eyes Eliminates my capacity for compassion And awakens the tactician's skills The quiet, calculated, dark, divine feminine Is finally assuming her throne within me
Welcome to my healing era No fucks are given here anymore
You cannot see me but you can never forget I'm here I'm etched upon your existence like a tattoo I am a scar carved into your soul A memory of a war waged and survived You have learned to live with me Learned to navigate the taught tenderness of my edges I ache when you rain I pull when you venture too close to familiar flames You don't notice me much anymore You've managed to balm my wound well enough For time and distance to allow me to heal But I will never be gone I will always be the quiet reminder of lessons learned When I ache you remember There was once a grievous hurt that ripped you open You remember you have survived One hundred percent of your bad days You remember you know how to heal
At the edge of the longest day I gathered drops of sunlight into a bottle Secured it with cord and hung it at my throat Warmth and light illuminated my path Freeing me to see that I did not only hold the light I was the light and the light was me As I journeyed through the crossroads I shed the darkness I had allowed to consume me Abandoned it like a wool cloak on Midsummer day Moved forward ensconced in my own powerful light Willing into truth I'd never be dimmed again
I exited the crossroads The weight of unworthiness falling away behind me I salted the path as I walked Erecting a barrier against old demons who might follow I reminded myself that joy cannot grow in poisoned soil I vowed to never return to this infertile place Gnarled roots and sharp thorns grabbed at me Tried to hold me in that familiar barren land I would no longer be held My light became a glowing blade of will And I rended myself free of the patterns of my past Leaving them as sacrifices at the edge of this intersection Of my old life and new
I followed the road's gentle path through new lands When I came to a willow by a stream Raw, ravaged and weary I sat beneath its shaded canopy and allowed myself to rest I wrapped myself in the cool, green safety beneath its branches I put down my burdens I rinsed my wounds Lulled into meditation by the whispering water I allowed myself to feel peace in place of vigilance I listened to the birds above me The crickets around me I allowed myself to be present I allowed myself to feel The dappled light on my skin The kisses of the sweet breeze on my cheeks The cool, damp grass beneath me The steady, gentle beat of my heart The slow rhythm of my breathing
In that tranquil place Of healing Of new beginning Of rebalancing In that moment where I was Obligated to no one by myself In that space where I remembered how simple joy can be I cupped the bottle of sunlight to my chest And knew I'd never fear the shadows again
I spent too much time curled into myself in the dark Screaming into nothingness "Please SEE me!" Staring at my own reflection Struggling to be my own witness Watering my seeds of worthiness With bitter, hopeless tears Whispering "You matter" at soulless silvered glass While my hollow reflection stared blankly back Unmoved
I was looking for the focus of the blind Begging for the acknowledgment of Narcissus Looking for shelter under a tree that offered no shade Trapped in a circle of salt crusting my eyes Unable to find a patch of sunlight in winter Shackled starving sacrifice Ignorant I held the key in my hand To the shackles I forged and fitted myself
When I was thoroughly cried out Starved so long I felt sated I chipped away the concretion obscuring my vision To discover I was surrounded by pinpoints of light Lanterns bobbing at the edges of my shadows I turned the key and let the shackles fall away Pressed my fingers to the tally marks I carved in the leafless tree And crawled toward those hopeful orbs As I got closer they began to coalesce Becoming a chorus of light
From that light came strong and gentle hands Lifting me to my feet Embracing me Murmuring words of love and encouragement Safety and serenity Pride and comfort They fed and watered me Cared for me tenderly And reminded me how to do the same for myself They shined their warm light upon me They sang and celebrated me
Words Wishes and Wisdom 