Nevermind You see You were never mine Not the way I needed you to be You were an illusion A twenty-four and seven hologram Insubstantial and incapable Pinocchio with a nose job A foundation full of rot On which we placed our house And when the floor fell out You did not reach for me Did not treat my scrapes Nor bandage my wounds You told me to walk it off Toughen up It wasn't that big a deal Not everything was about me YOU were the one who was injured here Look at what I did to YOUR floor Look at what I did to YOUR life And I believed I was the weak spot The salt in the wound of us
Nevermind You see You were never mine You simply made me believe In an us without a we Told me that was how it was supposed to be My every need an inconvenience My efforts doomed to fall short A fat lazy black bitch Who just wouldn't listen Who just wouldn't drown my sense of self in your ego And join you in your fortress of delusions
Nevermind You see You were never mine And now I belong to me After taking too long to see I needed to be worth more to me Than I was ever worth to you
I spent too much time curled into myself in the dark Screaming into nothingness "Please SEE me!" Staring at my own reflection Struggling to be my own witness Watering my seeds of worthiness With bitter, hopeless tears Whispering "You matter" at soulless silvered glass While my hollow reflection stared blankly back Unmoved
I was looking for the focus of the blind Begging for the acknowledgment of Narcissus Looking for shelter under a tree that offered no shade Trapped in a circle of salt crusting my eyes Unable to find a patch of sunlight in winter Shackled starving sacrifice Ignorant I held the key in my hand To the shackles I forged and fitted myself
When I was thoroughly cried out Starved so long I felt sated I chipped away the concretion obscuring my vision To discover I was surrounded by pinpoints of light Lanterns bobbing at the edges of my shadows I turned the key and let the shackles fall away Pressed my fingers to the tally marks I carved in the leafless tree And crawled toward those hopeful orbs As I got closer they began to coalesce Becoming a chorus of light
From that light came strong and gentle hands Lifting me to my feet Embracing me Murmuring words of love and encouragement Safety and serenity Pride and comfort They fed and watered me Cared for me tenderly And reminded me how to do the same for myself They shined their warm light upon me They sang and celebrated me
Speaking one’s truth is an act Of rebellion Of reclaiming Of liberation It is stepping into the light After living in the dark for too long It is my story to tell And I will tell it as part of my healing
I am, now, trying to forgive myself for the choices I made while trying to survive For staying long past the expiration date in a relationship that had long been toxic and rotten I deserved bette
“My heart says, ‘I love him,’ and my mind tells me to keep running.”
This is the complex reality that no one can comprehend until they’ve been in it. It tears at my own mind, and I struggle to split one instinct from the other. To compartmentalize these dueling truths so I can continue to protect my peace.
I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
There was no knight or shining armor There was a woman who survived Who may have screamed and clawed and begged on her knees While she fought, and endured, and kept picking herself up There was no figure with a cape, or sword, or an army coming to her rescue Only her resolve, her tenacity, her iron will Sometimes she had to become a monster to fight a monster Sometimes she had to wait, and strategize, and plan Her life and soul were her own to save Her future freedom reliant on her endurance and wit
She had to be her own comfort Give her own pep talks Rally her own spirit for the next round She wiped her own sweat from her brow, and tears from her cheeks She allowed adversity to forge her in its fire Allowed pain to build and test her tolerances Because to survive was the only viable choice Never was there any consideration given to surrender She loved herself enough to persist
It wasn't easy, or simple, or linear There were as many setbacks as there were battles won As many bruises never seen as scars to be witnessed More days spent on the edge of abandoning herself than known She called on every god Begged them and cursed them and abandoned them all They had already given her their gifts in the pockets of her soul It was her job to find and manifest them It was her job to save herself using all she already had bestowed on her
So she gritted her teeth as cornered animals do She growled and launched into the fight of her life She made hard, often heart breaking choices Made the necessary sacrifices Regained her feet after every knockdown Shook off every blinding blow All the while strategically landing felling blows Until there was nothing between her and freedom But a thundering heart and infinite possibilities Let all other heroes be damned She could take care of herself
Words Wishes and Wisdom 