You have said a lifetime's worth of, "I love you" in the last ten months I remember that you rarely said it in the twenty-three years When I needed to hear it like my blood needed oxygen What am I to do with your, "I love you" now Now that I cannot love you anymore Oh! My heart still loves you Still wrings drops of hope from itself Hope hanging heavy from tear tracts To be wiped bitterly away Because there is no hope left Hope is just a tether Preventing me from moving on From acknowledging the truth that The third body is dead and has been for a long time Love's hope nearly destroyed me Consumed me My heart will not let me pry this foolish hope from her hands So instead, I have to lock it away In the dark, cold, empty cavity that is my chest Heart unable to comprehend that I do this for our own good It screams and howls in the echoing silence "One last chance!" "One more time!" "Maybe this time! Maybe! Just maybe!" "I love you" manifests no magic here "I love you" will not call forth a miracle for us I still love you, Too But I HAVE to love me, MORE
This is hard shit. That sometimes grabbing that fact by the throat and screaming in its face is necessary from time to time. Sometimes sitting in the shadow of that truth is required when our spirits are tired and our hearts so broken. And when we're done, we rest. We breathe. And we rise and fight some more. Because we're mothers.
I plunge my hands Into the dark soil To harvest the fruits Of gratitude into the light It is practical work Grounding work Spiritual work To nourish my soul Drawing upon the root work Already deeply planted I turn my face to the sun
I still hold the smallest flickering flame of hope Smoldering painfully in my belly I keep trying to stomp it out Smother it But it persists Despite the obvious futility of its existence It will not listen to reason Will not extinguish beneath showers of bitter tears I must endure it Ignore it Until it gutters and dies on its own
Speaking one’s truth is an act Of rebellion Of reclaiming Of liberation It is stepping into the light After living in the dark for too long It is my story to tell And I will tell it as part of my healing
I am, now, trying to forgive myself for the choices I made while trying to survive For staying long past the expiration date in a relationship that had long been toxic and rotten I deserved bette
“My heart says, ‘I love him,’ and my mind tells me to keep running.”
This is the complex reality that no one can comprehend until they’ve been in it. It tears at my own mind, and I struggle to split one instinct from the other. To compartmentalize these dueling truths so I can continue to protect my peace.
Words Wishes and Wisdom 