I’m still in love with the dream of you The you full of potential and promises Who made me feel… But loving a dream costs too much So much unspoken subtext in each conversation Truths too costly to acknowledge Feelings beneath the surface Drowning in sorrow The boundary between us A pane of glass Impassable and impenetrable For all but what lies Unsaid in our eyes I see it on your face too Things that you want to say Feelings unresolved Both of us arcing Not allowed to connect Knowing you would welcome being consumed I would not survive what sparks Dreams offer no foundation And I need stability now I pray to wake from this wanting Of a you that never was Or will ever be
You have said a lifetime's worth of, "I love you" in the last ten months I remember that you rarely said it in the twenty-three years When I needed to hear it like my blood needed oxygen What am I to do with your, "I love you" now Now that I cannot love you anymore Oh! My heart still loves you Still wrings drops of hope from itself Hope hanging heavy from tear tracts To be wiped bitterly away Because there is no hope left Hope is just a tether Preventing me from moving on From acknowledging the truth that The third body is dead and has been for a long time Love's hope nearly destroyed me Consumed me My heart will not let me pry this foolish hope from her hands So instead, I have to lock it away In the dark, cold, empty cavity that is my chest Heart unable to comprehend that I do this for our own good It screams and howls in the echoing silence "One last chance!" "One more time!" "Maybe this time! Maybe! Just maybe!" "I love you" manifests no magic here "I love you" will not call forth a miracle for us I still love you, Too But I HAVE to love me, MORE
I am a spring maiden at heart Celebrating life’s sunshine and rainbows A believer in growth and renewal Optimistic and hopeful
I also hold a dread queen in my soul Content to sit quietly in darkness Observant and calculated Unafraid of the shadows Happy to don my crown Glimmering with pomegranate seeds The color of blood To remind the foolish I am not the one
I have coated my boundaries in sacred salt Saged the walls of my mind Served healing teas to my soul Soaked my dreams in moon water Calmed my spirits with lavender sachets
I have removed the “welcome” mat from my doorstep Hung a horseshoe above my threshold Covered my aura in layers of steel Cut the cord with silver shears All to reclaim myself from you
I have been asked If I thought I didn't deserve better If I thought I couldn't have better If I thought he was the best I could do NO I knew I deserved better I knew I was worth better I knew I could have better I was in love I believed my relationship Could become better Would become better I just had to wait and believe I clung to breadcrumbs While my soul starved I believed in a dream Long past its expiration date I held onto hope Even when the nightmares Haunted the wakeful day I had to do everything I could Until it became undeniably clear There was nothing else I could do When it was clear it was him and not me I had shown up Put the work in Tried and cried and tired again And he wouldn't meet me He couldn't accept responsibility for his part He wouldn't do the work He wanted me to keep changing Transforming Making myself less so he could be more Smaller More compliant Less of a person More of a puppet A Stepford Wife That could never please him anyway I knew that my luminescence was what drew him to me My shine was acceptable then My shine is acceptable now Just not to him I knew love shouldn't feel like this Be like this Behave like this Hurt like this Love does not bully Love does not belittle Love does not plot against the one it adores Love does not manipulate or blame Love does not destroy others to make itself feel powerful My hope became my prison An escape room I allowed to be created around me I found myself trapped in its ever shifting walls It would take time It would take opportunity It would take all the courage I had to leave To choose me And to not look back I do deserve better And reclaiming myself Is where I start to create better
Words Wishes and Wisdom 