I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
There was no knight or shining armor There was a woman who survived Who may have screamed and clawed and begged on her knees While she fought, and endured, and kept picking herself up There was no figure with a cape, or sword, or an army coming to her rescue Only her resolve, her tenacity, her iron will Sometimes she had to become a monster to fight a monster Sometimes she had to wait, and strategize, and plan Her life and soul were her own to save Her future freedom reliant on her endurance and wit
She had to be her own comfort Give her own pep talks Rally her own spirit for the next round She wiped her own sweat from her brow, and tears from her cheeks She allowed adversity to forge her in its fire Allowed pain to build and test her tolerances Because to survive was the only viable choice Never was there any consideration given to surrender She loved herself enough to persist
It wasn't easy, or simple, or linear There were as many setbacks as there were battles won As many bruises never seen as scars to be witnessed More days spent on the edge of abandoning herself than known She called on every god Begged them and cursed them and abandoned them all They had already given her their gifts in the pockets of her soul It was her job to find and manifest them It was her job to save herself using all she already had bestowed on her
So she gritted her teeth as cornered animals do She growled and launched into the fight of her life She made hard, often heart breaking choices Made the necessary sacrifices Regained her feet after every knockdown Shook off every blinding blow All the while strategically landing felling blows Until there was nothing between her and freedom But a thundering heart and infinite possibilities Let all other heroes be damned She could take care of herself
I have coated my boundaries in sacred salt Saged the walls of my mind Served healing teas to my soul Soaked my dreams in moon water Calmed my spirits with lavender sachets
I have removed the “welcome” mat from my doorstep Hung a horseshoe above my threshold Covered my aura in layers of steel Cut the cord with silver shears All to reclaim myself from you
Remember how it was before When I confidently walked through my life Believing in a future full of infinite possibilities Idealistic and self-possessed Inspired and free to manifest the life I desired Never apologizing for the joyousness of my nature Never apologizing for my independence and adventurousness Never apologizing
Such a contrast with who I would embody for too long Cowed and questing to find the right key That would unlock your love for the me I was before The me that I thought you cherished The me that was once upon a time enough I remember how it was before I am on a journey back to myself The version of me that resembles the echos of my unscarred self Together we will offer an apology to the me that was before A reclamation of what I thought was lost And I will be a wonder again
She’s not beautiful She’s a bloodied beast A bold, brassy, badass Bravely battling brash bandits Bone-weary from the bullshit Burdened and burnt out Building a budding new self Walking away from brutality Becoming balanced Banishing bad habits from her bones Barefoot upon the earth and beaming Beginning a brand new bountiful life
My demons tell me I’m not enough They rake burning shame across my skin Hiss monologues of self-doubt In the echo chamber of my ringing ears They use your voice Never silent And they laugh At the cleverness of their torture
Words Wishes and Wisdom 