Category: Emotions

Gaslighting

You refused to take responsibility 
So I accepted it instead
Until the day I found 
You in someone else’s bed

You didn’t do the right thing
You clutched your pearls and said,
“If only you had been the wife
You promised when we wed”

At first I shrank around the wound
Thinking you were right
Believing that it may be true
That I’d been a lousy wife

I thought of all the arguments 
That were constant in our life
The years of ugly, cutting blame
The insistence you were right

But then the rage came rushing in
You would gaslight me no more
I said that you were full of shit
And kicked you out the door

I realized I had done my part
In holding up my vow
It was you who failed on every front
I’d not be blamed right now

You made choices on your own
Now I have made some too
So hit the road, you selfish prick
Gaslighting days are through 

-gws

Tabula Rasa

My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities

Slow to emerge from the long shadows 
And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear
I begin to wonder what awaits me
Who awaits me

The question nauseates me
I'm not ready to open my heart
Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon
And yet I find myself wondering 
Will there be another 
My heart fearfully whispering,
"Will I get a second chance?"

I'm not ready to fall in love again
I am only longing for the magic of falling
The elation that comes from feeling seen
Feeling chosen
Because all I wanted for so long 
Was to feel chosen
To be enough

I am working to remember how to love me
How to be enough for myself
How to appreciate my perfect imperfections
How to forgive the choices I made to survive
I must become reacquainted with me

My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities
Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live
And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured
I embrace my next chapter gratefully
Even as my knees quake with each step forward

My blank slate has its first word: freedom
Its second word: peace
I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start

-gws

I Grieve

I grieve you
The you I fell in love with
The you who glowed when you laughed
The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability 

You are not dead
But you are gone
No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back

I can’t help but want to see you again
Beneath the monster who wears your skin
The one who ate away the soul of you over long years

If I hear you
I know it is not you
It is an echo of you
A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you
I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won
Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction
Consumed you from the inside out

I grieve you
I grieve my hope for you
For us
For our family

I grieve the dream turned nightmare
I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease
I loved you
I lost you
I’m sorry

-gws

The Luxury of Familiarity

I am no longer funding 
The luxury of familiarity

It has cost me too much
And offered questionable ROI

I am only entertaining thoughtful investment
In quality platonic companionship

For those interested in applying
Limited applications are being accepted

A nonrefundable fee will be assessed
And a thorough background check performed

I reserve the right to cancel the requisition at any time
And invest in my own peace instead

-gws

Ritual

I have coated my boundaries in sacred salt
Saged the walls of my mind
Served healing teas to my soul 
Soaked my dreams in moon water 
Calmed my spirits with lavender sachets 

I have removed the “welcome” mat from my doorstep 
Hung a horseshoe above my threshold 
Covered my aura in layers of steel 
Cut the cord with silver shears
All to reclaim myself from you 

-gws

Your Couch

I stabbed the fuck out of your couch
‘Cause I was tired of your mouth 
It was always telling lies
All backtracking and denials

I drank up a fifth instead
To drown the demons in my head
First I screamed and then I cried
At how you betrayed your bride

I stabbed the fuck out of your couch
‘Cause I was tired of your mouth 
It was always telling lies
All backtracking and denials

Oh yeah, my rage was quite obscene 
No tears could ease the wicked sting
Its brown leather old and scarred
The choice wasn’t all that hard 

I stabbed the fuck out of your couch
‘Cause I was tired of your mouth 
It was always telling lies
All backtracking and denials

So I plunged the blade right in
Then I repeated it again 
Better the couch than it was you
It was the worst that I could do 

I stabbed the fuck out of your couch
‘Cause I was tired of your mouth 
It was always telling lies
I’m out the door now, no goodbye

-gws

Conflagration

I ignite

The brush of your lips upon my neck
The reverberating purr rumbling deep in your chest as you press against me

The grip of your fingers tangling in my hair
Each sensation its own spectacular pyrotechnic show within me

The heat of your breath on my throat
The tension in your arms as you pull me into you
As if any room between us is too much

My lips swell from our eager, crushing kissing
Goosebumps pebble every inch of my too-hot skin
Sparked into existence by your exploring fingertips

My hands gripping your arms
Your hair
Your back
Your hips

My nails sometimes teasing 
Sometimes scratching as I surrender to this tempest of desire

Sighs and moans
Gasps and groans
Hunger and need 
Primal and demanding our surrender to it and each other

I have no desire to resist
Neither do you seem to

We are wonder and fire
Surrendering to this conflagration 
As we quest to find in this consuming bliss
The evocation of when our essence
blazed as brightly as stars

-gws