I’m still in love with the dream of you The you full of potential and promises Who made me feel… But loving a dream costs too much So much unspoken subtext in each conversation Truths too costly to acknowledge Feelings beneath the surface Drowning in sorrow The boundary between us A pane of glass Impassable and impenetrable For all but what lies Unsaid in our eyes I see it on your face too Things that you want to say Feelings unresolved Both of us arcing Not allowed to connect Knowing you would welcome being consumed I would not survive what sparks Dreams offer no foundation And I need stability now I pray to wake from this wanting Of a you that never was Or will ever be
I lay beneath a starless sky Wondering where they have gone Have they become the freckles Dancing across my nose Strands of silver streaking my hair Glitter in my joyful tears Have they fallen to Earth So I can shine
Nevermind You see You were never mine Not the way I needed you to be You were an illusion A twenty-four and seven hologram Insubstantial and incapable Pinocchio with a nose job A foundation full of rot On which we placed our house And when the floor fell out You did not reach for me Did not treat my scrapes Nor bandage my wounds You told me to walk it off Toughen up It wasn't that big a deal Not everything was about me YOU were the one who was injured here Look at what I did to YOUR floor Look at what I did to YOUR life And I believed I was the weak spot The salt in the wound of us
Nevermind You see You were never mine You simply made me believe In an us without a we Told me that was how it was supposed to be My every need an inconvenience My efforts doomed to fall short A fat lazy black bitch Who just wouldn't listen Who just wouldn't drown my sense of self in your ego And join you in your fortress of delusions
Nevermind You see You were never mine And now I belong to me After taking too long to see I needed to be worth more to me Than I was ever worth to you
Thunder rattles behind her ribs Lightening arcs from her tongue She is storm clouds Bringing steady rain to parched earth Raging winds to clear the way She is elemental Wild and raw and rare Her smile crepuscular Her love blisteringly radiant I live to study her meteorology
And so the sun begins its final setting In that final twilight a transformation US becomes YOU and ME Without pomp or party The bittersweet return to ourselves Unwoven and remade Hopes already decaying underground Receive no grave marker Hard won freedom and quietly resonating loss We are becoming reluctant singularities This fading light falls upon the final paragraph in the book of us Two new books await Unmarred by pain and tears I wish I could say there will be no mourning There is a hole where the unwritten life was excised A wound where the light just doesn't reach and never will I am told this is not unreasonable Deeply feeling people cannot stop feeling Life is nowhere near so black and white to allow for such I send with you the last of my hope Hope you will find your way Hope you will learn to heal your fractures Hope you can become the father you wanted to be As the calendar counts down The minutes marching relentlessly by I reflect on my love for you that never died It just couldn't thrive or survive the wreckage we became We have forever marked each other with kisses and scars As stamp and ink erases us I gratefully return you to your own keeping And truly wish you well
You finally let your mask slip And with it crumbled the dam I built for you Made of guilt and grief and pity You tore it all down with four texts Relieved me of the strain of false responsibility By revealing your true and malignant self Through the dust and dirt I finally knew what freedom felt like As the stones tumbled away and the air cleared I could finally see you sharply I knew in that moment I had done the right things A rumble began to rise As the rage began to ascend Suppressed beneath my compassion for you Barricaded by empathy your didn't deserve
Now the pain and hurt and grief and rage I held back for this last year Ices my skin Darkens my eyes Eliminates my capacity for compassion And awakens the tactician's skills The quiet, calculated, dark, divine feminine Is finally assuming her throne within me
Welcome to my healing era No fucks are given here anymore
These poems are a journey That began in the light of hope and love Then slowly meandered through increasing darkness They dare to expose the skeletons and demons Barely hidden behind my front door for too long The narration begins in the middle After darkness had well fallen And documents my struggle to breathe My desperate journey to find myself again
And for those who live with horrors who wear human faces If I found my way free I know you can too Let these poems serve as proof That though it is not easy Freedom can be won You can take your life back Write the story exactly as YOU wish it to be
Sometimes the dragon burns down the world As long as you’re standing No matter how wounded You can slay that dragon You ARE the hero of your story YOU get to say when the story is over YOU get to decide how the new book starts YOU get to do whatever the hell YOU want Take my story and forge it into your sword of courage SLAY
Oh it's you I knew you might find me again one day Minding my business Unaware and defenseless I knew you might show up on my doorstep Inviting the resurrection of my long disused heart I thought we had an agreement An understanding, perhaps You see, I have no desire to let you settle here again The soil in which I am planted is not good for your roots You salted it well long ago Do you really not remember because I still do And yet here you are Bags in hand asking if you can stay a while Looking at me with familiar enticement Dressed up in pheromones and endorphins With all the charisma of a red carpet return I have not forgotten how fickle you are How you overstayed your welcome How you left me heartbroken I don't trust you You're too good at feeling good I forget too easily how you are besties with misery Stop looking at me with eyes that want to know me Stop looking at me with eyes that want Stop attempting to pull me into your gravity I do not trust I can break free again I don't want to have to break free again Don't you understand you are not safe for me Don't you understand I need to feel safe I do not trust myself in your presence I am scared, you see You see, I am scarred So very scared So very scarred The last time I let you stay Nearly dismantled me So no Do not leave one speck of dirt on my doormat I beg you to to forget where I live I do not want your false promises I do not want you to be seen by you Your attention has cost me too much And I'm still in debt for it
Words Wishes and Wisdom 