I don't feel well today Reverberating echos of broken dreams Aching pervasive guilt Persistent pointless hope That will not stay snuffed out Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today The sun still rose in a misty pink sky The flowers are blooming and busy with bees Birds sing songs of spring awakening Amongst the newly sprouted leaves Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today Warm afternoon sunlight dries tears That slip from beneath my sunglasses The world assaults my senses Too loud, bright, fast Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today I am told that time heals That I'm doing the right things That I didn't cause it I can't control or cure it Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
How many times do I have to snuff out the candle of hope in my chest because my heart refuses to accept that you are incapable of being who I need you to be?
I looked out from the promontory of life Across a vast hinterland The turbid quagmire miles behind me The frisson of trepidation abated for now I wish to tracklessly caper in those hinterlands Beneath a lustrous azure sky Vesuvian days released to the past Gossamer hopes eddy about me like a corolla Hopes of enduring eudaemonia No longer needing to latibulate in darkness Before me stands my Elysian dreams Filled with halcyon days And tranquil gloamings I will alight in a new and unblemished existence A ruderal redeemed Awaiting rich and fertile soil of a new life Under the radiant zenith of a new day
-gws
In more common language:
I look out from the overlook of life Across a vast unknown The confusing, unstable ground behind me The sudden fear of trepidation abated for now I wish to tracklessly revel in those unknown lands Beneath a shining blue sky Explosive, volatile days released to the past Delicate hopes whirl about me like the swirl at the heart of a flower Hopes of enduring happiness No longer needing to hide in a corner in darkness Before me stands my dreams of paradise Filled with idyllically happy and prosperous days And tranquil twilights I will land and settle in a new and unblemished existence A plant growing amongst the concrete redeemed Awaiting rich and fertile soil of a new life Under the radiant height of a new day
He was a brown-eyed boy Freckles on his cheeks He shared his gummy Coke bottles And always picked me to play at recess He was a little misunderstood But not by me I saw him as kindred He helped transform the gray playground Into space ships and fantastical landscapes It didn't matter I was an icky girl Or that he was an yucky boy He was comfortable with me And I with him My heart broke when he moved away I never meant to lose contact but we did We found each other for a minute Just after high school He sent me a letter and a picture A man's version of the freckled face I once knew Adorned in dress blues I think I responded too enthusiastically I never got another letter And my heart broke a second time I hope that wherever he is He is happy A brown-eyed boy With freckles on his cheeks Sharing gummy Coke bottles With someone he loves
How did it feel when I was finally arrested? Did it bring you glee to know I was handcuffed and taken away? Were you happy your long standing desire was finally fulfilled? Were you satisfied with yourself? Did you celebrate? Did you pat yourself on the back triumphantly? Did you rejoice knowing I was forced into the company of actual criminals? Did it make you giddy to know I experienced the humiliation of being strip searched? Were you finally satisfied to get the mother of your children arrested? Was it all you hoped for?
Who does that? Who plots plans premediates such things? Who bates and berates? Who starts a fire and fans the flames? Who then pretends that they didn't create the inferno? Who has no remorse? Who shows love like that? Who did I marry? How soon can I be free?
I fall in love multiple times a day I am wooed by the beauty of the waking sky The feel of hot water on my skin The rich deep smell of brewing coffee Enchanted with my children's laughter A stranger's smile as we pass on the street A friend's text message saying hello Captivated by the crescent moon in a starry sky A blazing sunset over a summer ocean The fog spilling into the valley over the coastal mountains There's so much to love if one chooses to look So much to be delighted by All it takes is a willingness to see the possibilities in the world
I have cried rivers To cleanse my heart Of the goods and bads of you In those waters I finally see my own reflection Haloed in sunlight Instead of your shadow
I have been asked If I thought I didn't deserve better If I thought I couldn't have better If I thought he was the best I could do NO I knew I deserved better I knew I was worth better I knew I could have better I was in love I believed my relationship Could become better Would become better I just had to wait and believe I clung to breadcrumbs While my soul starved I believed in a dream Long past its expiration date I held onto hope Even when the nightmares Haunted the wakeful day I had to do everything I could Until it became undeniably clear There was nothing else I could do When it was clear it was him and not me I had shown up Put the work in Tried and cried and tired again And he wouldn't meet me He couldn't accept responsibility for his part He wouldn't do the work He wanted me to keep changing Transforming Making myself less so he could be more Smaller More compliant Less of a person More of a puppet A Stepford Wife That could never please him anyway I knew that my luminescence was what drew him to me My shine was acceptable then My shine is acceptable now Just not to him I knew love shouldn't feel like this Be like this Behave like this Hurt like this Love does not bully Love does not belittle Love does not plot against the one it adores Love does not manipulate or blame Love does not destroy others to make itself feel powerful My hope became my prison An escape room I allowed to be created around me I found myself trapped in its ever shifting walls It would take time It would take opportunity It would take all the courage I had to leave To choose me And to not look back I do deserve better And reclaiming myself Is where I start to create better
This above all To thine own self be true But damn Is that a hard thing to do I want to hold To my own principles To set firm my jaw And without a pause Hold firm the ground I'm planted upon But when I say no You refuse to move on Turning my insides Upside and down Knitting my eyebrows And causing a frown Why is honoring me Such an ask It's not like I'm begging Some outrageous task I'm asking for only Mutual respect Yet you recoil As if you were decked Leaving me feeling Like I've caused you harm While my heart is rattling My chest in alarm Now I'm a monster For making my needs A priority which Leaves you aggrieved One day soon I will disavow Ownership of What's forced on me now I will figure out how To my own self be true And with peace in my heart I will leave you
Words Wishes and Wisdom 