Slow to emerge from the long shadows And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear I begin to wonder what awaits me Who awaits me
The question nauseates me I'm not ready to open my heart Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon And yet I find myself wondering Will there be another My heart fearfully whispering, "Will I get a second chance?"
I'm not ready to fall in love again I am only longing for the magic of falling The elation that comes from feeling seen Feeling chosen Because all I wanted for so long Was to feel chosen To be enough
I am working to remember how to love me How to be enough for myself How to appreciate my perfect imperfections How to forgive the choices I made to survive I must become reacquainted with me
My future is tabula rasa Full of possibilities Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured I embrace my next chapter gratefully Even as my knees quake with each step forward
My blank slate has its first word: freedom Its second word: peace I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start
I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
I have coated my boundaries in sacred salt Saged the walls of my mind Served healing teas to my soul Soaked my dreams in moon water Calmed my spirits with lavender sachets
I have removed the “welcome” mat from my doorstep Hung a horseshoe above my threshold Covered my aura in layers of steel Cut the cord with silver shears All to reclaim myself from you
The brush of your lips upon my neck The reverberating purr rumbling deep in your chest as you press against me
The grip of your fingers tangling in my hair Each sensation its own spectacular pyrotechnic show within me
The heat of your breath on my throat The tension in your arms as you pull me into you As if any room between us is too much
My lips swell from our eager, crushing kissing Goosebumps pebble every inch of my too-hot skin Sparked into existence by your exploring fingertips
My hands gripping your arms Your hair Your back Your hips
My nails sometimes teasing Sometimes scratching as I surrender to this tempest of desire
Sighs and moans Gasps and groans Hunger and need Primal and demanding our surrender to it and each other
I have no desire to resist Neither do you seem to
We are wonder and fire Surrendering to this conflagration As we quest to find in this consuming bliss The evocation of when our essence blazed as brightly as stars
Joy and grief have made strange bedfellows in me As my smile breaks so does my heart I do not know when their synchronicity began I do know I wish their relationship would end Allowing me my lightness Not pulled down by pain
This emotional eclipse as regular as heartbeats A quiet walk in cool, cathedral woods Interrupted by the unexpected sharp snap of a branch underfoot Sending a flurry of birds screaming into the sky Like storming clouds suddenly covering the sun on a perfect day
Of course joy needs pain so that they can tell themselves apart Trauma and struggle have conjoined them in me No scalpel skilled enough to detach them into their unique parts... Or at least not yet
Behind each smile lies is a threatening tear Every laugh has a sob waiting in the wings I will chaperone this opposing pair Let them fill me as they will Sweet nectar and bitter pill At least I'm blessed enough to feel
Remember how it was before When I confidently walked through my life Believing in a future full of infinite possibilities Idealistic and self-possessed Inspired and free to manifest the life I desired Never apologizing for the joyousness of my nature Never apologizing for my independence and adventurousness Never apologizing
Such a contrast with who I would embody for too long Cowed and questing to find the right key That would unlock your love for the me I was before The me that I thought you cherished The me that was once upon a time enough I remember how it was before I am on a journey back to myself The version of me that resembles the echos of my unscarred self Together we will offer an apology to the me that was before A reclamation of what I thought was lost And I will be a wonder again
Words Wishes and Wisdom 