He was a brown-eyed boy Freckles on his cheeks He shared his gummy Coke bottles And always picked me to play at recess He was a little misunderstood But not by me I saw him as kindred He helped transform the gray playground Into space ships and fantastical landscapes It didn't matter I was an icky girl Or that he was a yucky boy He was comfortable with me And I with him My heart broke when he moved away I never meant to lose contact but we did We found each other for a minute Just after high school He sent me a letter and a picture A man's version of the freckled face I once knew Adorned in dress blues I think I responded too enthusiastically I never got another letter And my heart broke a second time I hope that wherever he is He is happy A brown-eyed boy With freckles on his cheeks Sharing gummy Coke bottles With someone he loves
How did it feel when I was finally arrested? Did it bring you glee to know I was handcuffed and taken away? Were you happy your long standing desire was finally fulfilled? Were you satisfied with yourself? Did you celebrate? Did you pat yourself on the back triumphantly? Did you rejoice knowing I was forced into the company of actual criminals? Did it make you giddy to know I experienced the humiliation of being strip searched? Were you finally satisfied to get the mother of your children arrested? Was it all you hoped for?
Who does that? Who plots plans premediates such things? Who bates and berates? Who starts a fire and fans the flames? Who then pretends that they didn't create the inferno? Who has no remorse? Who shows love like that? Who did I marry? How soon can I be free?
I fall in love multiple times a day I am wooed by the beauty of the waking sky The feel of hot water on my skin The rich deep smell of brewing coffee Enchanted with my children's laughter A stranger's smile as we pass on the street A friend's text message saying hello Captivated by the crescent moon in a starry sky A blazing sunset over a summer ocean The fog spilling into the valley over the coastal mountains There's so much to love if one chooses to look So much to be delighted by All it takes is a willingness to see the possibilities in the world
I have cried rivers To cleanse my heart Of the goods and bads of you In those waters I finally see my own reflection Haloed in sunlight Instead of your shadow
I have been asked If I thought I didn't deserve better If I thought I couldn't have better If I thought he was the best I could do NO I knew I deserved better I knew I was worth better I knew I could have better I was in love I believed my relationship Could become better Would become better I just had to wait and believe I clung to breadcrumbs While my soul starved I believed in a dream Long past its expiration date I held onto hope Even when the nightmares Haunted the wakeful day I had to do everything I could Until it became undeniably clear There was nothing else I could do When it was clear it was him and not me I had shown up Put the work in Tried and cried and tired again And he wouldn't meet me He couldn't accept responsibility for his part He wouldn't do the work He wanted me to keep changing Transforming Making myself less so he could be more Smaller More compliant Less of a person More of a puppet A Stepford Wife That could never please him anyway I knew that my luminescence was what drew him to me My shine was acceptable then My shine is acceptable now Just not to him I knew love shouldn't feel like this Be like this Behave like this Hurt like this Love does not bully Love does not belittle Love does not plot against the one it adores Love does not manipulate or blame Love does not destroy others to make itself feel powerful My hope became my prison An escape room I allowed to be created around me I found myself trapped in its ever shifting walls It would take time It would take opportunity It would take all the courage I had to leave To choose me And to not look back I do deserve better And reclaiming myself Is where I start to create better
This above all To thine own self be true But damn Is that a hard thing to do I want to hold To my own principles To set firm my jaw And without a pause Hold firm the ground I'm planted upon But when I say no You refuse to move on Turning my insides Upside and down Knitting my eyebrows And causing a frown Why is honoring me Such an ask It's not like I'm begging Some outrageous task I'm asking for only Mutual respect Yet you recoil As if you were decked Leaving me feeling Like I've caused you harm While my heart is rattling My chest in alarm Now I'm a monster For making my needs A priority which Leaves you aggrieved One day soon I will disavow Ownership of What's forced on me now I will figure out how To my own self be true And with peace in my heart I will leave you
When I met you You were charming But nowhere near perfect You were charismatic But endearingly flawed You were looking for a party But you accidentally found a home
When you met me I was unapologetically myself But I was naive I was willing to take risks But not necessarily with my heart I was looking for experiences But accidentally found connection
What I didn't know Was what a damaged soul looked like What I didn't know Was that you were a blackhole gobbling the light
What you didn't know Was I was a whole universe What you didn't know Was divine light cannot be devoured
We didn't begin as we ended We started as a soft glow Hopeful and carefree I couldn't tell you when I think the inferno began
I became the fuel that you would burn Trying to fill your infernal yearning The gaping emptiness inside of you With a meaningful light That once was me
I thought if I loved you enough I would somehow be enough To sate your appetite for more But all you were was an insatiable maw And I a blazing star Who's fire was never bright enough Who's light could never warm you up Because black holes cannot be quenched They can only demand - MORE
So I became a comet with a star at its core My corona full of survival and fury Breaking free of your event horizon I would not be devoured by your darkness
Now no light surrounds you You have consumed all else you had Nothing orbits you but cold and quiet The space around you dead
When you met me We had hope we could love each other well When I left you Was to heal from just how far I fell But I'm a girl with phoenix wings And a star within my heart I blaze a trail across the sky As I make a fresh new start
Words Wishes and Wisdom 