On the night I was arrested Our argument ended when You called me a "Fat. Lazy. Black. Bitch." Our children heard you I heard you I couldn't believe you said it But I heard you The words hung in the air like poison Choking the tears in my eyes Choking the rage in my throat Time stopped Suspended by shock Each painfully silent moment Accompanied by the roaring blood Rushing like a raging river in my ears As I stood in the kitchen Eyes wide and mouth open Speechless Everything suddenly clear As I stared at you in utter disbelief It was over It had been over And with that final insult Those four ugly adjectives It became unmistakably understood I was done
Your aggravated aggressive agitations Make alarm bells clang in my body Danger! Danger! Hide! As my stomach churns And my blood pressure rises I'm exhausted from near-constant hypervigilance You may not be angry at me I may not be the cause But I'm in the blast radius I'm in the radiation zone Perfect collateral damage Victim of your salted earth strategy Or perhaps your target practice I am not your Linus blanket I am not your heavy bag But you would have me be those things Often in rapid succession Leaving my nerves discordantly vibrating beneath my skin
Please forgive my silence It is not easy to converse When I don't have much to say Not for want of company But for lack of breath to speak I have been gasping lately In pain In tears In prayer Gasping for air in a chest too tight On days when getting up takes All my might All my fight Please forgive my silence My burdens are so much to bare I hold myself too tightly wound For fear of shaking into pieces And if I set my voice free I worry what will become of me
I don’t know what the New Year will bring But I promise to wake everyday Loving myself more, To honor my own needs, and To breathe life into the magic of my deepest dreams. It is time for me to live an intentional life.
I am not the author of your story As much as that saddens me to admit You are the wordsmith of your tale You write yourself as the hero of your own journey Despite being so often the villain of mine But understanding how you see your world Understanding that you can be none other Than the hero of your pages Helps me gain perspective into why You write me as the arch-villain of your narrative
There is no mirror in your story You cannot see yourself And as if bespelled You see only monsters and Enemies in every shadow My pages would describe the cause As a self-afflicted curse Yours would imply the question Are villains born or made? For you would say you are The result of what others made you Be you hero or villain You are forever alone Shadowboxing every perceived threat And drawing blood from everyone Who gets too close for too long Blinded by pain and unable to See that the one causing The most pain for you is you Like a manifested destiny It becomes so
As our books sit side by side on the shelf Yours a story of never ending rage, war, and loss Mine becomes a story of surrender, retreat, and release For I am removing myself from your story It is time to make myself the hero of my own And write the closing of this chapter For I can feel the peace and love I deserve Waiting for me in the next chapters of my life I am ready to transform my story Into the self-love story I have long deserved I hope you find your happy ending I write a magic wish for that Into my final paragraph Of our chapter in my book Then turn the page to my tabula rasa Full of potential and possibilities And the freedom to write my future As rich and joyful as I can imagine it
Forty-eight orbits of the sun Forty-eight birthdays celebrated Some happy Some not This morning I turned my face To golden, gossamer sunlight Filtered through cool, blue fog I was showered in love notes Sung to and hugged by my children My pockets may be empty But my heart can't be much fuller
This is my season The season Persephone returns to the underworld To take up her night-sky crown A season where darkness rules And pomegranate seeds glisten Like ruby drops of blood Across a dark and mossy earth A season where candlelight entwines with shadow And long nights lay steeped in vivid dreaming
In this season I embrace my own darkness Unafraid of the cold and the quiet For this is where magic lives Where the mythical and mystical thrive Weaving spells amongst the silence I remember my power just like Persephone For this is a season where the resolute thrive
I submerge into my own deep waters My dark reflection staring back at me As I descend into my true self Into the rejuvenation that exists At the heart of midnight I greet each version of myself Forgiving myself for every unkindness Every neglectful moment In this stillness where I am Safe and whole inside my power For this is the season I return to self Where I remember who I am A daughter of darkness and fire
I have entered my season of truth The veil of delusion Illusion Deliberate ignorance Is being peeled away It is not an ugly truth I find below the surface But a blinding Shining truth One that offers a promise Of deliverance from a Self-imposed bondage And offers a path To a beautiful new freedom
When vibrant joy sparks bitter tears
It means that too many years
Have been spent in emotional blight
That no jubilation can put to right
Like a cloud crossing the sun
Or a dissonant chord rung
When my heart swells and glows
My nervous system knows
That this joy will lead to grieving
My chest begins its heaving
Turning smiles into frowns
As the cortisol lets down
How long has this been so
I will not pretend to know
Like a candle smothered
I unconsciously keep covered
That which makes me take up space
Before I can feel the grace
Of real joy in my blood
I dump it in the mud
I avoid the disappointment
Like a fly stuck in the ointment
I abandon my true will
When he sets on me that chill
And so I am now trained
That joy will end in pain
I know that I must mend
So the sun can shine again
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 