The first time I saw a ghost
I was looking in a mirror
I didn't recognize
The eyes starting back at me
-gws
Ghost Story
Category: Fear
There are Days I’m Not Ok
There are days I’m not ok
Or hours
Or minutes
Or breaths
The doubt suffocating
Grief a scream locked deep in my chest
I am reminded I am making the right choices
Shown proof of it again and again
Did you know the right things can
Sometimes feel so terribly wrong
Sometimes the fear rises
The paralyzing fear of all the ugliness
I so desperately seek freedom from
You never believe you’re conditioned
To feel you deserve abuse until you are
Until your stomach drops as the energy changes
And your breathing quickens
And you start calculating how bad their rage will be this time
Words bruise so much worse than fists
The self doubt stripping your confidence
The gaslighting destabilizing reality despite
Your inner voice calling out the lies in all of it
Knowing that there is no defense when you
Are forced to wear the badge of victimizer
Despite being the real victim
Because it makes them feel powerful and justified
Emotional abuse is a mind fuck of the worst degree
And some people make a career of the art of it
In this breath
This minute
This hour
This day
I am not ok
They say I will be someday
-gws
The Cage
Inelegant and rough hewn
Invisible to all but me
Oppressive and injurious
This prison of grief and fear
Holds me fast
Arrested
The key to joy held tight in my hand
I wait for the guard to look away
So I can fly free
-gws
Offline
I regret to inform you
That the reality you subscribe to
Is currently offline
As reality has no power switch
There is no way to reset the system
Please accept my apologies
For the extreme inconvenience
Such is the risk of sentient life
I never promised you life would be easy
-gws
Please Forgive My Silence
Please forgive my silence
It is not easy to converse
When I don't have much to say
Not for want of company
But for lack of breath to speak
I have been gasping lately
In pain
In tears
In prayer
Gasping for air in a chest too tight
On days when getting up takes
All my might
All my fight
Please forgive my silence
My burdens are so much to bare
I hold myself too tightly wound
For fear of shaking into pieces
And if I set my voice free
I worry what will become of me
-gws
My Nervous System Knows
When vibrant joy sparks bitter tears It means that too many years Have been spent in emotional blight That no jubilation can put to right Like a cloud crossing the sun Or a dissonant chord rung When my heart swells and glows My nervous system knows That this joy will lead to grieving My chest begins its heaving Turning smiles into frowns As the cortisol lets down How long has this been so I will not pretend to know Like a candle smothered I unconsciously keep covered That which makes me take up space Before I can feel the grace Of real joy in my blood I dump it in the mud I avoid the disappointment Like a fly stuck in the ointment I abandon my true will When he sets on me that chill And so I am now trained That joy will end in pain I know that I must mend So the sun can shine again -gws
Not Enough
Not enough resources
Not enough time
Not enough support
Not enough me
-gws
Disobedient Children
"Disobedient children don't live half of their days." I can hear your voice reciting this sentiment Did you ever consider how scary that sounds to a child I know it was meant to scare But was it meant to scar This turn of phrase left me so confused So convinced that I’d never see adulthood I know you meant no harm You carried forward what you learned Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep brought no comfort For what does a child know of life and death The memory of that oft said phrase The memory of that terrible prayer Still haunt my inner child Rock-a-bye Baby always made me sad for the baby Why was the baby on a treetop A baby falling from a broken tree bough Is hardly a comforting lullaby I did not carry these things forward I staunchly refused I surrendered the nightmares of these things to the ether and to time And celebrate every day that this disobedient child is still here - gws
Trophies
Do you earn medals for hurting me Because you treat it like an Olympic sport? Are my tears some cocktail that intoxicates your soul For I have cried oceans at your words and deeds? Is my pain the wood for your spiteful fire For it seems to always stoke your rage higher? When did the joy we shared turn to ash? When did that concentrated venom infuse into your words? When did you develop such resentment of me to turn your eyes to depth-less stone? -gws
Arrested
Pulled out of time By the ratcheting click of steel Around thin and tender wrists Humanity removed Replaced by fear and shame -gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 