I have been asked If I thought I didn't deserve better If I thought I couldn't have better If I thought he was the best I could do NO I knew I deserved better I knew I was worth better I knew I could have better I was in love I believed my relationship Could become better Would become better I just had to wait and believe I clung to breadcrumbs While my soul starved I believed in a dream Long past its expiration date I held onto hope Even when the nightmares Haunted the wakeful day I had to do everything I could Until it became undeniably clear There was nothing else I could do When it was clear it was him and not me I had shown up Put the work in Tried and cried and tired again And he wouldn't meet me He couldn't accept responsibility for his part He wouldn't do the work He wanted me to keep changing Transforming Making myself less so he could be more Smaller More compliant Less of a person More of a puppet A Stepford Wife That could never please him anyway I knew that my luminescence was what drew him to me My shine was acceptable then My shine is acceptable now Just not to him I knew love shouldn't feel like this Be like this Behave like this Hurt like this Love does not bully Love does not belittle Love does not plot against the one it adores Love does not manipulate or blame Love does not destroy others to make itself feel powerful My hope became my prison An escape room I allowed to be created around me I found myself trapped in its ever shifting walls It would take time It would take opportunity It would take all the courage I had to leave To choose me And to not look back I do deserve better And reclaiming myself Is where I start to create better
There are days I’m not ok Or hours Or minutes Or breaths The doubt suffocating Grief a scream locked deep in my chest I am reminded I am making the right choices Shown proof of it again and again Did you know the right things can Sometimes feel so terribly wrong
Sometimes the fear rises The paralyzing fear of all the ugliness I so desperately seek freedom from You never believe you’re conditioned To feel you deserve abuse until you are Until your stomach drops as the energy changes And your breathing quickens And you start calculating how bad their rage will be this time
Words bruise so much worse than fists The self doubt stripping your confidence The gaslighting destabilizing reality despite Your inner voice calling out the lies in all of it Knowing that there is no defense when you Are forced to wear the badge of victimizer Despite being the real victim Because it makes them feel powerful and justified Emotional abuse is a mind fuck of the worst degree And some people make a career of the art of it
In this breath This minute This hour This day I am not ok They say I will be someday
Words Wishes and Wisdom 