Slow to emerge from the long shadows And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear I begin to wonder what awaits me Who awaits me
The question nauseates me I'm not ready to open my heart Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon And yet I find myself wondering Will there be another My heart fearfully whispering, "Will I get a second chance?"
I'm not ready to fall in love again I am only longing for the magic of falling The elation that comes from feeling seen Feeling chosen Because all I wanted for so long Was to feel chosen To be enough
I am working to remember how to love me How to be enough for myself How to appreciate my perfect imperfections How to forgive the choices I made to survive I must become reacquainted with me
My future is tabula rasa Full of possibilities Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured I embrace my next chapter gratefully Even as my knees quake with each step forward
My blank slate has its first word: freedom Its second word: peace I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start
Days grow shorter Mornings and evenings delightfully chilled Long afternoons warm, hazy, and tea-colored Cool breezes dance from the sea into the valley Making layered wardrobes a must this time of year
The world starts to quiet down Though restlessly at first Unwilling to relinquish summer's vitality Harvest season half complete The trees begin debuting their fall finery Resplendent in reds, golds, and browns As purple hues return to sunset skies
The golden hour earns its name now As the last dandelion seeds drift through dried grasses awash in glowing rays Shadows deepen as homes reflect amber radiance in westward facing window panes Preparing to welcome night's elongating visits earlier each day
The resting season is arriving It carries with it ghostly tales told under cloud-filtered moonlight Candlelight and story craft Blankets, books, and honeyed tea Soups, stews, and baked goods of all kinds Air laden with aromatic spices and yeast
The world grows gradually quieter Chirping crickets slow their masterpieces from allegro to adagio Singing the world into a calmer pace before putting away their instruments Fall readies to welcome dreamers and philosophers Writers and witches All the laborers of the mind and spirit Into its gentle comforting arms
I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
There was no knight or shining armor There was a woman who survived Who may have screamed and clawed and begged on her knees While she fought, and endured, and kept picking herself up There was no figure with a cape, or sword, or an army coming to her rescue Only her resolve, her tenacity, her iron will Sometimes she had to become a monster to fight a monster Sometimes she had to wait, and strategize, and plan Her life and soul were her own to save Her future freedom reliant on her endurance and wit
She had to be her own comfort Give her own pep talks Rally her own spirit for the next round She wiped her own sweat from her brow, and tears from her cheeks She allowed adversity to forge her in its fire Allowed pain to build and test her tolerances Because to survive was the only viable choice Never was there any consideration given to surrender She loved herself enough to persist
It wasn't easy, or simple, or linear There were as many setbacks as there were battles won As many bruises never seen as scars to be witnessed More days spent on the edge of abandoning herself than known She called on every god Begged them and cursed them and abandoned them all They had already given her their gifts in the pockets of her soul It was her job to find and manifest them It was her job to save herself using all she already had bestowed on her
So she gritted her teeth as cornered animals do She growled and launched into the fight of her life She made hard, often heart breaking choices Made the necessary sacrifices Regained her feet after every knockdown Shook off every blinding blow All the while strategically landing felling blows Until there was nothing between her and freedom But a thundering heart and infinite possibilities Let all other heroes be damned She could take care of herself
I smoked a joint with the moon She insisted it would allow us to see the world's beauty better As herbal clouds drifted lazily across her round face She rambled dreamily about the midnight sea's endless dance with her voluptuous celestial body Spoke stanzas of star songs Sang of wild wolf hunts and their howling choruses Described forest galleries full of freshly woven spider webs bejeweled with moon-dazzled dew She waxed lyrical about the endless stream of hopes and prayers whispered to her Giggled as she fondly recounted the numerous myths humans had crafted about her I listened contentedly Basking in her hazy light My heavy-lidded eyes glistening half moons themselves Safely ensconced in her keeping
Black walls splashed with red light Black pedestals shoot up from the floor Every odd stalagmite topped with dark tributes Each a void A violent event horizon Containing a blackness so deep The minimal luminescence of the room Feels blinding by comparison
Like calls to like The black hole I hold The emptiness that inhabits the center of me Demands it’s recompense Otherworldly hunger crawls up my throat Forcing my chest to expand as I open wide my jaw I inhale deeply Tears stream The void within me begins to consume Every point of absence in the room
Monuments yield their hollow prizes to me Each devouring punctuated by a scream Inhale a void Exhale a scream Until there are only walls Red light And echoing screams
I have coated my boundaries in sacred salt Saged the walls of my mind Served healing teas to my soul Soaked my dreams in moon water Calmed my spirits with lavender sachets
I have removed the “welcome” mat from my doorstep Hung a horseshoe above my threshold Covered my aura in layers of steel Cut the cord with silver shears All to reclaim myself from you
Words Wishes and Wisdom 