I have entered my season of truth
The veil of delusion
Illusion
Deliberate ignorance
Is being peeled away
It is not an ugly truth
I find below the surface
But a blinding
Shining truth
One that offers a promise
Of deliverance from a
Self-imposed bondage
And offers a path
To a beautiful new freedom
-gws
When vibrant joy sparks bitter tears It means that too many years Have been spent in emotional blight That no jubilation can put to right Like a cloud crossing the sun Or a dissonant chord rung When my heart swells and glows My nervous system knows That this joy will lead to grieving My chest begins its heaving Turning smiles into frowns As the cortisol lets down How long has this been so I will not pretend to know Like a candle smothered I unconsciously keep covered That which makes me take up space Before I can feel the grace Of real joy in my blood I dump it in the mud I avoid the disappointment Like a fly stuck in the ointment I abandon my true will When he sets on me that chill And so I am now trained That joy will end in pain I know that I must mend So the sun can shine again -gws
50 minutes ticking by 50 minutes to find out why The tears will or will not come I so struggle to find the one Reason that keeps me coming back Spilling emotions when words lack 50 minutes of probing questions 50 minutes of new suggestions And strategies and considerations To uncover buried machinations The central program in my belief system Manifest in all my symptoms 50 minutes focused on me 50 minutes of talk therapy -gws
He spoke to me of mechanical wings They appeared within a broken dream Born of fractured thoughts and roughened pieces And so these wings become his thesis Of chrome and shadow His masterpiece risen His body lay fallow Both betrayer and prison However he envisions that he flies As he dreams of untethered skies Let hope be the power to help him heal Born of pain transformed to magic and steel -gws
Say the thing Make it awkward For we never know when the final fickle Fate Will wield her scissors and snip a thread from our tapestry Forever severing a connection An action that cannot be undone "I love you." "I miss you." "I care about you." "You are important to me." "My life is better with you in it." Whatever the thing is you feel SAY IT And let it go Knowing that you have released love In some version Into the life of someone you care for in some way We are fortunate to have our lives Woven with many threads But as gently as we are entangled together The severing and unraveling are inevitable Sharp and severe We will have loss But we do not have to have regret Say the thing Make it awkward Only Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos See the grand weaving of our lives How each chapter of our lives will unfold And how and when those varied chapters will end Within those pages we are gifted with the opportunity of choice To give and receive love with the others in our story Say the thing Make it awkward -gws
Every step I take I'm stomping on eggshells They cover the landscape of this relationship Like unexploded landmines after a war The book explained it It explained you It explained us Or More specifically Why there is no air between us Why there is no peace between us Why there is little hope for us The book However Didn't tell me what I could do about it What I should do about it The only peace it gave was that The immobility was a real side effect The difficulty breathing Being Living Leaving That feeling stuck was normal It isn't a failing But a reflection of the deeply difficult Existence of living with Loving Trying to love Being loved by Being hated by Being loved by Being resented by Being loved by Being shamed by Being loved by Being eviscerated by Being loved by Being devastated by A person with a personality disorder gws
It echoed of all the things that have caused me the deepest pain, and with nothing different or looking to be different, I think the final piece of shattered glass crashed to earth. -gws
My voice has been captured Pinned like a butterfly in a shadowbox Stored away for safe keeping Some think it soothing and melodic Which amuses me since I find it awkward Muted by fear of judgment and indifference But no more I have removed the glass and pins And though it trembles It is free Free to become stronger To spread its wings and venture into other gardens Fragile and imperfect Brave and determined Flitting from ear to ear Pollinating minds with my perspectives Flying joyously free on the wind -gws
I hope that when I One day Write my memoir I have learned How to be happy -gws
You are keen to talk about how you have abandonment issues Well I have a truth you will not want to hear One I expect you to run from before I'm even done speaking YOU ABANDONED ME Over and over and in more and more devastating ways The crimes of those who were supposed to love you that have left you so aggrieved You visited your own version on me and I was too inexperienced in love and relationships To understand that I deserved better To see that you were too damaged to meet the potential I believed you held To walk away when you abandoned me again and again for alcohol drugs sex attention I loved you quietly and carefully with all the room you wanted and more And you injured and humiliated me loudly and publicly and repeatedly You'd say "I'm sorry" and act contrite Tell me you loved me and ask me not to leave And I stayed Every Time Eventually "I'm sorry" became "Fuck you" You railed that I was one thousand ways of not enough And when your abuse of me was painted as my own fault I believed it I believed it because it was It was because I didn't leave Over and over Days Years Decades I stayed You would whisper I love you in the morning Curse my name, my family and my gender in the afternoon And fuck me at night in your urgent, singular, drug-hazed version of "love making" Until you felt better and I felt used And I'd cry Hurt Helpless Confused Wondering what I was missing Wondering what I needed to do to fix our brokenness Wondering why I was beautiful when you were feeling good Then a vicious, scheming, calculated villain when you didn't get what you liked or wanted Unable to receive basic respect from you who was supposed to be "my person" Any boundary a crime because it was my job to be what you needed exactly when you needed it And if I wanted something different there would be hell to pay If not now, then when your discontent and dis-regulation overflowed its tiny containment And every perceived wrong ran from your mouth like rabid froth Hurting more than any physical blow Because I loved you And all the things I did to prove that to you weren't enough I did all that I could to be what you needed And my trying to salvage the bits of me that survived by saying, "No" or "I don't want to" This affronted you I burned for it I often wondered what was motivated by poor mental health and what was just you I'm sure the reality is there is some intersection of both somewhere But there is no solace No reason or justification makes how you've treated me okay Who else would have endured your storms and torment the way I did Who else will Those who had the luxury to remove themselves from your volatile orbit have And I envy them Our children mean that I will always have to remain close enough to you to risk burning No matter our actual proximity I have forgotten who I am I have abandoned myself to try to fill the holes in you created by others A task that I now understand to be a herculean effort and I am merely mortal And I have suffered in the place of your abusers because I was the one who chose to stay Who chose to reflect love through loyalty and support both emotional and financial But I am devastated now I am a wraith Embers and ash Burned up and burned out I cannot run this marathon any longer I love you and I cannot endure you any longer Or I will disappear completely in your flames I want more I want our children to have more I want to give them more More joy More light More laughter More kind words More love from a mother who is happy if not also contented And I cannot give them this while I'm submerged beneath the shadow of your pain and suffering And I am sorry that I cannot continue to wait for a healing that is so very slow to come I tried But the time has come for me to heal from you -gws
