Forty-eight orbits of the sun
Forty-eight birthdays celebrated
Some happy
Some not
This morning I turned my face
To golden, gossamer sunlight
Filtered through cool, blue fog
I was showered in love notes
Sung to and hugged by my children
My pockets may be empty
But my heart can't be much fuller
-gws
This is my season
The season Persephone returns to the underworld
To take up her night-sky crown
A season where darkness rules
And pomegranate seeds glisten
Like ruby drops of blood
Across a dark and mossy earth
A season where candlelight entwines with shadow
And long nights lay steeped in vivid dreaming
In this season I embrace my own darkness
Unafraid of the cold and the quiet
For this is where magic lives
Where the mythical and mystical thrive
Weaving spells amongst the silence
I remember my power just like Persephone
For this is a season where the resolute thrive
I submerge into my own deep waters
My dark reflection staring back at me
As I descend into my true self
Into the rejuvenation that exists
At the heart of midnight
I greet each version of myself
Forgiving myself for every unkindness
Every neglectful moment
In this stillness where I am
Safe and whole inside my power
For this is the season I return to self
Where I remember who I am
A daughter of darkness and fire
-gws
I have entered my season of truth
The veil of delusion
Illusion
Deliberate ignorance
Is being peeled away
It is not an ugly truth
I find below the surface
But a blinding
Shining truth
One that offers a promise
Of deliverance from a
Self-imposed bondage
And offers a path
To a beautiful new freedom
-gws
When vibrant joy sparks bitter tears It means that too many years Have been spent in emotional blight That no jubilation can put to right Like a cloud crossing the sun Or a dissonant chord rung When my heart swells and glows My nervous system knows That this joy will lead to grieving My chest begins its heaving Turning smiles into frowns As the cortisol lets down How long has this been so I will not pretend to know Like a candle smothered I unconsciously keep covered That which makes me take up space Before I can feel the grace Of real joy in my blood I dump it in the mud I avoid the disappointment Like a fly stuck in the ointment I abandon my true will When he sets on me that chill And so I am now trained That joy will end in pain I know that I must mend So the sun can shine again -gws
50 minutes ticking by 50 minutes to find out why The tears will or will not come I so struggle to find the one Reason that keeps me coming back Spilling emotions when words lack 50 minutes of probing questions 50 minutes of new suggestions And strategies and considerations To uncover buried machinations The central program in my belief system Manifest in all my symptoms 50 minutes focused on me 50 minutes of talk therapy -gws
It echoed of all the things that have caused me the deepest pain, and with nothing different or looking to be different, I think the final piece of shattered glass crashed to earth. -gws
My voice has been captured Pinned like a butterfly in a shadowbox Stored away for safe keeping Some think it soothing and melodic Which amuses me since I find it awkward Muted by fear of judgment and indifference But no more I have removed the glass and pins And though it trembles It is free Free to become stronger To spread its wings and venture into other gardens Fragile and imperfect Brave and determined Flitting from ear to ear Pollinating minds with my perspectives Flying joyously free on the wind -gws
I hope that when I One day Write my memoir I have learned How to be happy -gws
You are keen to talk about how you have abandonment issues Well I have a truth you will not want to hear One I expect you to run from before I'm even done speaking YOU ABANDONED ME Over and over and in more and more devastating ways The crimes of those who were supposed to love you that have left you so aggrieved You visited your own version on me and I was too inexperienced in love and relationships To understand that I deserved better To see that you were too damaged to meet the potential I believed you held To walk away when you abandoned me again and again for alcohol drugs sex attention I loved you quietly and carefully with all the room you wanted and more And you injured and humiliated me loudly and publicly and repeatedly You'd say "I'm sorry" and act contrite Tell me you loved me and ask me not to leave And I stayed Every Time Eventually "I'm sorry" became "Fuck you" You railed that I was one thousand ways of not enough And when your abuse of me was painted as my own fault I believed it I believed it because it was It was because I didn't leave Over and over Days Years Decades I stayed You would whisper I love you in the morning Curse my name, my family and my gender in the afternoon And fuck me at night in your urgent, singular, drug-hazed version of "love making" Until you felt better and I felt used And I'd cry Hurt Helpless Confused Wondering what I was missing Wondering what I needed to do to fix our brokenness Wondering why I was beautiful when you were feeling good Then a vicious, scheming, calculated villain when you didn't get what you liked or wanted Unable to receive basic respect from you who was supposed to be "my person" Any boundary a crime because it was my job to be what you needed exactly when you needed it And if I wanted something different there would be hell to pay If not now, then when your discontent and dis-regulation overflowed its tiny containment And every perceived wrong ran from your mouth like rabid froth Hurting more than any physical blow Because I loved you And all the things I did to prove that to you weren't enough I did all that I could to be what you needed And my trying to salvage the bits of me that survived by saying, "No" or "I don't want to" This affronted you I burned for it I often wondered what was motivated by poor mental health and what was just you I'm sure the reality is there is some intersection of both somewhere But there is no solace No reason or justification makes how you've treated me okay Who else would have endured your storms and torment the way I did Who else will Those who had the luxury to remove themselves from your volatile orbit have And I envy them Our children mean that I will always have to remain close enough to you to risk burning No matter our actual proximity I have forgotten who I am I have abandoned myself to try to fill the holes in you created by others A task that I now understand to be a herculean effort and I am merely mortal And I have suffered in the place of your abusers because I was the one who chose to stay Who chose to reflect love through loyalty and support both emotional and financial But I am devastated now I am a wraith Embers and ash Burned up and burned out I cannot run this marathon any longer I love you and I cannot endure you any longer Or I will disappear completely in your flames I want more I want our children to have more I want to give them more More joy More light More laughter More kind words More love from a mother who is happy if not also contented And I cannot give them this while I'm submerged beneath the shadow of your pain and suffering And I am sorry that I cannot continue to wait for a healing that is so very slow to come I tried But the time has come for me to heal from you -gws
I am from slave ships, cotton fields, and courthouse slave trades
I am from generations of strong women who fought to do more than simply survive
From an oldest, broken white son with a poet's heart and a love of rivers
I am from a youngest, determined black daughter who sacrificed so much for those she loves
I am from a loving grandmother who wore her traumas as bitterness
While she fixed fried chicken and collard greens with ease
I am from Saturday morning chores with the "golden oldies" playing
I am from love and struggle and sacrifice, the latter two I was rarely aware of
I am from church on Sundays to commune with a God I knew better than most in that place
And who wore a virgin mother's countenance
I am from morning and afternoon cartoon blocks
And Saturday mornings in front of the TV singing to School House Rock
I am from riding my bike for miles and for hours
I am from being too curvy to be a real dancer
While I danced my heart to joyful dust on every stage
I am from having so much to say but rarely feeling heard
I am from watching TV at the same time as a friend while on a phone attached to a wall
And playing chicken with who will hang up before a parent yelled at both of us to get off the phone
I am from acid washed jeans, baby doll tops, denim, velour, and asymmetrical collars and hems
Hammer pants, jelly shoes, banana clips, mismatched pairs of accessories, side ponytails
From French-cut leotards, stirrup pants, Lycra biker shorts, flavored lip gloss, and neon everything
I am from My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Bright, Cabbage Patch Kids, He-Man, and She-Ra
I am from Voltron, Robotech, GI Joe, Snorks, Smurfs, reruns of Loony Tunes, and Scooby-Doo
From Newton's Apple, Square One TV, 321 Contact, Not Another Science Show, and Read It
I am from Garbage Pail Kids, Magic: The Gathering, Pogs, and Beanie Babies
I am from "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret?" and "The Dollhouse Murders"
From Choose Your Own Adventures, and Encyclopedia Brown
Christopher Pike, Diane Duane, collections of "true" ghost stories and tales of the strange
I am from Dallas, Dynasty, Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries
Fantasy Island, The Cosby Show, and The Wonderful World of Disney
I am from "At the sound of the tone *chime sound* turn the page."
From hitting record on my tape deck hoping to catch my favorite song without a DJ's voice
I am from Fisher Price record players, dual tape decks, and dropping mix tapes for mix CDs
From VHS winning over beta-max and laser disc
From spending hours in mall bookstores, arcades, and food courts
I am from dreams and imaginings
Soap bubble fairy wishes and hours of made up worlds alone and with friends
From possibilities and plans
I am from "You will have more than I did."
And "You will want for little."
I am from a loving mother who never let me feel alone
I am from good friends who never made me feel like the weird kid I kinda was
I am from "You are as good, if not better, than EVERYONE else, and don't you forget it!"
And "You can do anything you put your mind to."
I am from a tapestry of experiences and influences
From a variety of adventures and explorations
I am from a life full of love and support and as much opportunity as could be afforded
And though not always easy or smooth
I am from the just-right mix that created the me you see
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 