There are days I’m not ok
Or hours
Or minutes
Or breaths
The doubt suffocating
Grief a scream locked deep in my chest
I am reminded I am making the right choices
Shown proof of it again and again
Did you know the right things can
Sometimes feel so terribly wrong
Sometimes the fear rises
The paralyzing fear of all the ugliness
I so desperately seek freedom from
You never believe you’re conditioned
To feel you deserve abuse until you are
Until your stomach drops as the energy changes
And your breathing quickens
And you start calculating how bad their rage will be this time
Words bruise so much worse than fists
The self doubt stripping your confidence
The gaslighting destabilizing reality despite
Your inner voice calling out the lies in all of it
Knowing that there is no defense when you
Are forced to wear the badge of victimizer
Despite being the real victim
Because it makes them feel powerful and justified
Emotional abuse is a mind fuck of the worst degree
And some people make a career of the art of it
In this breath
This minute
This hour
This day
I am not ok
They say I will be someday
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 