For days I've been thinking about your birthday About how I've not been able to be available for all of your calls lately How I was going to send you a present Or FaceTime you and hope you'd be able to pick up the call I was trying to figure out how to annoy you on your birthday Since I couldn't blow up your phone with 49 gifs I was still thinking these thoughts when your mom called When I saw the black screen with the white letters that read "Mrs. Young"
It was a type of deja vu Like that call two autumns ago The one out of the blue that informed me You had a catastrophic stroke A bitter and belated present for your 47th birthday I answered this call, like the last, to your mom's calm and sweet voice The one with business in its foundation Like before, she lead with pleasantries as she likes to do And I braced Then came what I dreaded "I have news. I have sad news." And the world stopped turning for those seconds "My son is gone." My friend was gone YOU were gone Just... No longer here
You slipped your tether and escaped this life For as much as I wanted you to be free To not be in a body that had betrayed you To not be struggling with everyday living I believed in you I believed you would fight your way to better I held no illusions that you would be fully restored But you would find a new normal and thrive And we'd laugh at stupid things Debate Star Trek canon And talk about how you would move here or there How you would be an engineer, mathematician, animator We would talk about esoteric ideas We would reminisce on the potential of our childhoods And the disappointments of our adulthoods And how the next chapters would be what we wanted them to be
We were suppose to cheer each other on You were supposed to see your namesake grow into a man with his brothers You were supposed to celebrate with me when I finalized my divorce You were supposed to come visit my new home You were supposed to be here Forgive me that I do not find any solace in knowing you will still do those things That you will laugh with me and stand by me I know I should be grateful for the extra time of the last 2 years For the broken reconnection we were able to have But it wasn't nearly enough And now I don't know what to do Or how to feel And all I can do is write this stupid poem Because I cannot hear your excited giggle anymore Because I cannot tell you happy birthday
We met during what was arguably the greatest year in music: 1984 I feel like the radio has gone terribly silent 41 years later But you have the last laugh That ridiculous song from a mid-90s summer won't get out of my head Ron C's Dookie Booty That absolutely terrible song you blasted in your way-too-hot Jetta As we rode down El Camino Real on the way to Lee's Comics You bought the core book for Vampire the Masquerade that day We laughed at how your parents would likely hate that book And we laughed every time you'd replay that dumb ass song
This poem is as chaotic and messy as my heart I am grateful for your release and I am mad as hell I understand nothing in this wrongness of your death That word feels like sandpaper on my soul in reference to you I love you I'm sorry that I couldn't love you they way you so badly wanted You better say hello but remember I don't do ghosts or disembodied voices I instead do dreams and symbols and knowings
I wanted to write odes to my friends while they were still here I write this ode for you because I just don't know what else to do Because feelings are too big And words are too insignificant But they are all I have None of this feels fair All I know is the world is so still without you Without the sound of your voice answering my "Happy Birthday"
I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
I don't feel well today Reverberating echos of broken dreams Aching pervasive guilt Persistent pointless hope That will not stay snuffed out Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today The sun still rose in a misty pink sky The flowers are blooming and busy with bees Birds sing songs of spring awakening Amongst the newly sprouted leaves Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today Warm afternoon sunlight dries tears That slip from beneath my sunglasses The world assaults my senses Too loud, bright, fast Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today I am told that time heals That I'm doing the right things That I didn't cause it I can't control or cure it Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
How many times do I have to snuff out the candle of hope in my chest because my heart refuses to accept that you are incapable of being who I need you to be?
Words Wishes and Wisdom 