Even in the deepest darkness
You will not reach for the light
You would rather drown in your pride
Than consider you may not be right
-gws
Rather
Tag: Emotions
Whole Again
I’m learning how to experience joy without
my broken heart fearing that the experience will be taken from me before I can feel it fully
To feel the elation without it immediately triggering tears of mourning
It’s difficult and beautiful learning how to become whole again
-gws
Redemption
Sometimes
The simple act of cleaning a toilet
Can feel like redemption
-gws
Do Not Confuse Grief With Guilt
A friend said to me,
“Remember you didn’t cause it.
You couldn’t have prevented it.
You have nothing to feel guilty for.
It is okay to grieve.
There is much to grieve,
But do not confuse grief with guilt.”
I did not know how much I needed
These words until they were spoken.
-gws
Rage Fire
The truth has lit a rage fire in my belly
Where there was guilt and pity
There is now a simple aching coal
Burning so hot it challenges the sun
-gws
Ecstasy
(A palinode to Grief)
Ecstasy illuminates
It amplifies joy
Making time feel inconsequential
Grounding me deep in the moment
Called by the here and now
Allowing full presence in the experience of it
Ecstasy demands we be seated in our bodies
To experience pleasure
And laughter
And belonging as part of the great tapestry of living
Our senses acute and engaged
Begging we greedily partake
In the gifts that life offers
Richly
Vividly
Intricately
With all of our senses
Inciting never ending curiosity
And a desire for the bliss of it to never end
-gws
Where did you go?
Originally written 1/25/2005
Where did you go? Are you warm? Are you cold? Is there weather there? Where did you go? Was it hard to get there? Do you miss what you left behind? Where did you go? Were you scared to go? Can you come back to visit? Have you tried? Do you miss me? Where did you go when you left me here to wonder? Where did you go when you escaped your failing prison on a single fragile breath? Where did you go? Because I want you to come back. -gws
Resentment
Sitting deep in my resentments Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow Of dreams eviscerated Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant Of a vision shattered and danced upon As if it was the wicked witch’s grave Years of work wiped away Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day -gws
Soul Cave
There is a place deep within me where I go when the world is too much In that place sounds are muffled Light is dimmed All of the harshness that is too overwhelming is dampened down and pushed away When I arrive in that place, I am already so weary and worn I'm struggling to breathe Struggling to cope Struggling to not give in to the crushing pressure of life No one can reach me there, not really In that dark and quiet place I am safe to process my feelings Safe to release the pressure valve on my emotions Safe to feel exactly what I feel without worry of judgment or contempt Sometimes I wish I could just stay there But I'm a mother and a wife and an employee The real world doesn't stop spinning Responsibilities do not stop needing attention Children do not stop needing guidance and love Husbands do not take leave of their expectations for what a wife should be doing Employers do not stop expecting you to show up and be productive So in that shelter I do my best to let go of what I can To surrender to the sorrows, the tears, the fears, the doubts, the broken dreams, the disappointments I let it all flow out like water into this grotto Hopefully to be cleansed And by releasing these things I pray to be renewed enough to keep going Even as my knees shake and my back aches and my voice quivers And the tears flow I pick myself up Straighten my battered crown Wipe the tear tracks from my cheeks And reapply the mask as I chant a prayer begging for serenity And step back into the bright, loud, ever demanding world again -gws
Gratitude in Uncertain Times
The world is scary and uncertain The unknown is casting a long, dark shadow on life as we understood it It feels like I'm tumbling in rough surf and I can barely catch my breath When things feel big, I need to make them smaller I can do this through gratitude I can reframe my circumstances from a place of grace over fear In a moment where loss and fear govern, I look to the blessings I see all around Like seedlings taking root in the dark, forgotten places Cancer proved to be a blessing It may have introduced it's own book of fears, but it also prevented someone I love from traveling at a time when many people were falling ill, and we had no recourses yet I feel this truth in my gut The Pandemic helped me access assistance that was previously off limits to me It has changed the way I work, making it easier to be available to my family while continuing to be employed and safe It has reminded me to say, "I love you," more To hug my children more To try to forgive and relinquish grievances To live as my authentic self To speak my truth To honor my own boundaries To take stock of what is good To "live life on life's terms" and know that my higher power will have my back To be gentle with myself when I don't live up to my own standards To appreciate my health To sit heavily in the present moment and appreciate all that is good instead of being busy for busy's sake To be able to shift energy from a grinding list of To-dos to what I am able to do in this moment, place, or circumstance It is so easy to fall into a deep despair There are so many reasons to feel hopeless But there are many more reasons to have hope and even to rejoice The world, life, the Universe has shaken us all up I choose to take it as a clarion call I will water the seedlings of positivity and remove the weeds of fear growing in my inner garden Through this effort, I will keep my feet and continue moving through life with gratitude and deep love -gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 