I am from slave ships, cotton fields, and courthouse slave trades I am from generations of strong women who fought to do more than simply survive From an oldest, broken white son with a poet's heart and a love of rivers I am from a youngest, determined black daughter who sacrificed so much for those she loves
I am from a loving grandmother who wore her traumas as bitterness While she fixed fried chicken and collard greens with ease I am from Saturday morning chores with the "golden oldies" playing I am from love and struggle and sacrifice, the latter two I was rarely aware of I am from church on Sundays to commune with a God I knew better than most in that place And who wore a virgin mother's countenance
I am from morning and afternoon cartoon blocks And Saturday mornings in front of the TV singing to School House Rock I am from riding my bike for miles and for hours I am from being too curvy to be a real dancer While I danced my heart to joyful dust on every stage I am from having so much to say but rarely feeling heard I am from watching TV at the same time as a friend while on a phone attached to a wall And playing chicken with who will hang up before a parent yelled at both of us to get off the phone
I am from acid washed jeans, baby doll tops, denim, velour, and asymmetrical collars and hems Hammer pants, jelly shoes, banana clips, mismatched pairs of accessories, side ponytails From French-cut leotards, stirrup pants, Lycra biker shorts, flavored lip gloss, and neon everything
I am from My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Bright, Cabbage Patch Kids, He-Man, and She-Ra I am from Voltron, Robotech, GI Joe, Snorks, Smurfs, reruns of Loony Tunes, and Scooby-Doo From Newton's Apple, Square One TV, 321 Contact, Not Another Science Show, and Read It I am from Garbage Pail Kids, Magic: The Gathering, Pogs, and Beanie Babies I am from "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret?" and "The Dollhouse Murders" From Choose Your Own Adventures, and Encyclopedia Brown Christopher Pike, Diane Duane, collections of "true" ghost stories and tales of the strange
I am from Dallas, Dynasty, Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries Fantasy Island, The Cosby Show, and The Wonderful World of Disney I am from "At the sound of the tone *chime sound* turn the page." From hitting record on my tape deck hoping to catch my favorite song without a DJ's voice I am from Fisher Price record players, dual tape decks, and dropping mix tapes for mix CDs From VHS winning over beta-max and laser disc From spending hours in mall bookstores, arcades, and food courts
I am from dreams and imaginings Soap bubble fairy wishes and hours of made up worlds alone and with friends From possibilities and plans I am from "You will have more than I did." And "You will want for little." I am from a loving mother who never let me feel alone I am from good friends who never made me feel like the weird kid I kinda was I am from "You are as good, if not better, than EVERYONE else, and don't you forget it!" And "You can do anything you put your mind to."
I am from a tapestry of experiences and influences From a variety of adventures and explorations I am from a life full of love and support and as much opportunity as could be afforded And though not always easy or smooth I am from the just-right mix that created the me you see
Step on it until it collapses in on itself
Choke away all of its oxygen
Ignore it
Dismiss it
Gaslight it
React hostilely to its sound
Force its words to drown beneath sobs
Scream over it
Belittle it
Steal its truth away
Repeat until it fails to rise anymore
Until it is replaced by clenched teeth and fists
Held back by tight and bitten lips
Repeat until it forgets its own sound
-gws
My feelings are big
They feel bigger than me
They feel taller and broader
Than the tallest tall tree
A hand on my belly
I count, "One, two, three..."
And breathe in as deep
As the shining blue sea
Repeat this again
As much as I need
Until those big feelings
They start to recede
Last, wrap my arms tight
And give Self a hug
Say, "You're doing alright."
"You just needed self-love"
-gws
If I am too much
Then let me be too much
I am light and expansive
And I will not be constrained
By those who wish me to be small
For like the wind
I will not be caged
-gws
I didn't need to have a reason But I did The reason I avoided that place Was you Was me Was us You see That was the place you decided that Us ceased to be That was the place where I returned to being just me The place where your voice Was replaced by the sound of slowly cracking glass As my heart shattered in my chest Your eyes pitied me While your lips spilled more Shattered glass to fill my roaring ears I forgot how to breathe And my now shattered heart forgot how to beat And your eyes pleaded with me Because you were already gone You had dismantled us Placed the pieces into a shoebox And buried me alive in a shallow grave I love you-s replaced by I'm sorry-s Those brown eyes indeed sorrowful As my soul was felled by a thousand surgical cuts Sundering two halves into two less-than wholes I just wanted you to stop talking To stop looking at me that way To stop tearing down my world Then you left And I stayed I didn't need to have a reason to avoid that place But I did
Shiny people are full of charisma
And trouble
Artists and musicians
Poets and dreamers
Hawkers and cons
All dreams and lack of substance
Spending time with them
Submerges us deep within their intoxicating fog of personality
Their attention like sweet, cold water on a hot day
Being in their orbit is so all-encompassing
That it's easy to forget how destructive their gravity is
Leaving us burning bright and high
Then burnt out and freefalling to fiery impact in the blink of an eye
We think they take the oxygen with them when they leave the room
And we willing hold our breath for the look, the smile, the touch
That leads to madness
As we crave the drug made flesh
That is shiny people
-gws
Because my mama loves me no matter how far away we are, or how frequently we talk
Because my mama loves me no matter how old I get, or how many babies I’ve had
Because my mama loves me no matter how capable or incapable I perceive myself to be
Because my mama loves me no matter how broke I am or successful I become
Because my mama loves me no matter how little or how much I love myself
Because my mama loves me..."more, most, to the moon and back, and to infinity and beyond"
Because my mama will always love her baby girl like the day she learned she carried my spark, and will beyond when our sparks rejoin the stars
Because I love my mama I will treat every check in like a hug
Because I love my mama I will treat every worry like a kiss
Because I love my mama I will treat every conversation as a gift
Because I love my mama I will treat every gift as a treasure
Because I love my mama I will not take any second of her love for me for granted
Because I will always love my mama I will love her like the day my spark took root inside of her, and will beyond when our sparks rejoin the stars
-gws
Ecstasy illuminates It amplifies joy Making time feel inconsequential Grounding me deep in the moment Called by the here and now Allowing full presence in the experience of it Ecstasy demands we be seated in our bodies To experience pleasure And laughter And belonging as part of the great tapestry of living Our senses acute and engaged Begging we greedily partake In the gifts that life offers Richly Vividly Intricately With all of our senses Inciting never ending curiosity And a desire for the bliss of it to never end