Slow to emerge from the long shadows And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear I begin to wonder what awaits me Who awaits me
The question nauseates me I'm not ready to open my heart Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon And yet I find myself wondering Will there be another My heart fearfully whispering, "Will I get a second chance?"
I'm not ready to fall in love again I am only longing for the magic of falling The elation that comes from feeling seen Feeling chosen Because all I wanted for so long Was to feel chosen To be enough
I am working to remember how to love me How to be enough for myself How to appreciate my perfect imperfections How to forgive the choices I made to survive I must become reacquainted with me
My future is tabula rasa Full of possibilities Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured I embrace my next chapter gratefully Even as my knees quake with each step forward
My blank slate has its first word: freedom Its second word: peace I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start
I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
Asking for help often feels like failure Like challenging my shame to a duel Dueling with my shame is graceless and ugly Inflicting a million tiny self-judging cuts To my compromised self-esteem
I try to grab onto the radiating love When the call for help is answered Letting that love eclipse my shame Transmute that shame with humble gratitude Into worthiness I know those who offer their support Do so selflessly because to them I am worthy Even when I don’t feel so
He was a brown-eyed boy Freckles on his cheeks He shared his gummy Coke bottles And always picked me to play at recess He was a little misunderstood But not by me I saw him as kindred He helped transform the gray playground Into space ships and fantastical landscapes It didn't matter I was an icky girl Or that he was a yucky boy He was comfortable with me And I with him My heart broke when he moved away I never meant to lose contact but we did We found each other for a minute Just after high school He sent me a letter and a picture A man's version of the freckled face I once knew Adorned in dress blues I think I responded too enthusiastically I never got another letter And my heart broke a second time I hope that wherever he is He is happy A brown-eyed boy With freckles on his cheeks Sharing gummy Coke bottles With someone he loves
Crave deep and honest conversation Sit with her Like a blind man tracing her face Run your curiosities With careful deliberateness Across her mind And allow her to do the same Lean into the exchange And let the world fall away Spend the night in philosophical repose So you may greet the dawn With your souls on fire Make evenings like this a ritual This will light a fire in her blood This is how to woo a poet
This above all To thine own self be true But damn Is that a hard thing to do I want to hold To my own principles To set firm my jaw And without a pause Hold firm the ground I'm planted upon But when I say no You refuse to move on Turning my insides Upside and down Knitting my eyebrows And causing a frown Why is honoring me Such an ask It's not like I'm begging Some outrageous task I'm asking for only Mutual respect Yet you recoil As if you were decked Leaving me feeling Like I've caused you harm While my heart is rattling My chest in alarm Now I'm a monster For making my needs A priority which Leaves you aggrieved One day soon I will disavow Ownership of What's forced on me now I will figure out how To my own self be true And with peace in my heart I will leave you
Tell me the story of becoming friends My mind's well versed in remembering ends But beginnings are better stories to tell Yet my memory fails to recall half so well How the meeting between a you and a me Led to becoming a fun-seeking "we"
Maybe there's details you only recall Enchant me by telling every moment of all The things that connected my soul to yours The reasons you walked through my open door I'll sit at your feet with my chin in my hands And listen intently as you meet my demands To share the hilarious things that ensued Which inextricably linked a me to a you
Words Wishes and Wisdom 