When you came into my life
You promised to be my everything
You destroyed everything instead
My hopes
My dreams
My confidence
My joy
My ability to love you
My ability to love me
So I made sure to take everything
When I left
-gws
Everything
Category: Relationships
Gaslighting
You refused to take responsibility
So I accepted it instead
Until the day I found
You in someone else’s bed
You didn’t do the right thing
You clutched your pearls and said,
“If only you had been the wife
You promised when we wed”
At first I shrank around the wound
Thinking you were right
Believing that it may be true
That I’d been a lousy wife
I thought of all the arguments
That were constant in our life
The years of ugly, cutting blame
The insistence you were right
But then the rage came rushing in
You would gaslight me no more
I said that you were full of shit
And kicked you out the door
I realized I had done my part
In holding up my vow
It was you who failed on every front
I’d not be blamed right now
You made choices on your own
Now I have made some too
So hit the road, you selfish prick
Gaslighting days are through
-gws
Tabula Rasa
My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities
Slow to emerge from the long shadows
And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear
I begin to wonder what awaits me
Who awaits me
The question nauseates me
I'm not ready to open my heart
Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon
And yet I find myself wondering
Will there be another
My heart fearfully whispering,
"Will I get a second chance?"
I'm not ready to fall in love again
I am only longing for the magic of falling
The elation that comes from feeling seen
Feeling chosen
Because all I wanted for so long
Was to feel chosen
To be enough
I am working to remember how to love me
How to be enough for myself
How to appreciate my perfect imperfections
How to forgive the choices I made to survive
I must become reacquainted with me
My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities
Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live
And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured
I embrace my next chapter gratefully
Even as my knees quake with each step forward
My blank slate has its first word: freedom
Its second word: peace
I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start
-gws
I Grieve
I grieve you
The you I fell in love with
The you who glowed when you laughed
The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead
But you are gone
No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again
Beneath the monster who wears your skin
The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you
I know it is not you
It is an echo of you
A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you
I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won
Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction
Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you
I grieve my hope for you
For us
For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare
I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease
I loved you
I lost you
I’m sorry
-gws
The Luxury of Familiarity
I am no longer funding
The luxury of familiarity
It has cost me too much
And offered questionable ROI
I am only entertaining thoughtful investment
In quality platonic companionship
For those interested in applying
Limited applications are being accepted
A nonrefundable fee will be assessed
And a thorough background check performed
I reserve the right to cancel the requisition at any time
And invest in my own peace instead
-gws
Dueling
Asking for help often feels like failure
Like challenging my shame to a duel
Dueling with my shame is graceless and ugly
Inflicting a million tiny self-judging cuts
To my compromised self-esteem
I try to grab onto the radiating love
When the call for help is answered
Letting that love eclipse my shame
Transmute that shame with humble gratitude
Into worthiness
I know those who offer their support
Do so selflessly because to them I am worthy
Even when I don’t feel so
-gws
Brown-eyed Boy
He was a brown-eyed boy
Freckles on his cheeks
He shared his gummy Coke bottles
And always picked me to play at recess
He was a little misunderstood
But not by me
I saw him as kindred
He helped transform the gray playground
Into space ships and fantastical landscapes
It didn't matter I was an icky girl
Or that he was a yucky boy
He was comfortable with me
And I with him
My heart broke when he moved away
I never meant to lose contact but we did
We found each other for a minute
Just after high school
He sent me a letter and a picture
A man's version of the freckled face I once knew
Adorned in dress blues
I think I responded too enthusiastically
I never got another letter
And my heart broke a second time
I hope that wherever he is
He is happy
A brown-eyed boy
With freckles on his cheeks
Sharing gummy Coke bottles
With someone he loves
-gws
Bridges
Some bridges are better off burning
Leaving the past buried beneath ash and embers
Smoke drifting away from the devastation
Like fading memories
-gws
How to Woo a Poet
Crave deep and honest conversation
Sit with her
Like a blind man tracing her face
Run your curiosities
With careful deliberateness
Across her mind
And allow her to do the same
Lean into the exchange
And let the world fall away
Spend the night in philosophical repose
So you may greet the dawn
With your souls on fire
Make evenings like this a ritual
This will light a fire in her blood
This is how to woo a poet
-gws
To Thine Own Self Be True
This above all
To thine own self be true
But damn
Is that a hard thing to do
I want to hold
To my own principles
To set firm my jaw
And without a pause
Hold firm the ground
I'm planted upon
But when I say no
You refuse to move on
Turning my insides
Upside and down
Knitting my eyebrows
And causing a frown
Why is honoring me
Such an ask
It's not like I'm begging
Some outrageous task
I'm asking for only
Mutual respect
Yet you recoil
As if you were decked
Leaving me feeling
Like I've caused you harm
While my heart is rattling
My chest in alarm
Now I'm a monster
For making my needs
A priority which
Leaves you aggrieved
One day soon
I will disavow
Ownership of
What's forced on me now
I will figure out how
To my own self be true
And with peace in my heart
I will leave you
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 