I am no longer invested
In getting you to love me
The way that I need to be loved
I am no longer invested
In your opinions of me
I am no longer invested
In trying to meet you in the middle
I am no longer invested
In twisting myself into broken shapes to please you
When my only reward is pain
I am no longer invested
Because I have divested you
Of your access to my serenity
-gws
On the night I was arrested
Our argument ended when
You called me a
"Fat. Lazy. Black. Bitch."
Our children heard you
I heard you
I couldn't believe you said it
But I heard you
The words hung in the air like poison
Choking the tears in my eyes
Choking the rage in my throat
Time stopped
Suspended by shock
Each painfully silent moment
Accompanied by the roaring blood
Rushing like a raging river in my ears
As I stood in the kitchen
Eyes wide and mouth open
Speechless
Everything suddenly clear
As I stared at you in utter disbelief
It was over
It had been over
And with that final insult
Those four ugly adjectives
It became unmistakably understood
I was done
-gws
I am not the author of your story
As much as that saddens me to admit
You are the wordsmith of your tale
You write yourself as the hero of your own journey
Despite being so often the villain of mine
But understanding how you see your world
Understanding that you can be none other
Than the hero of your pages
Helps me gain perspective into why
You write me as the arch-villain of your narrative
There is no mirror in your story
You cannot see yourself
And as if bespelled
You see only monsters and
Enemies in every shadow
My pages would describe the cause
As a self-afflicted curse
Yours would imply the question
Are villains born or made?
For you would say you are
The result of what others made you
Be you hero or villain
You are forever alone
Shadowboxing every perceived threat
And drawing blood from everyone
Who gets too close for too long
Blinded by pain and unable to
See that the one causing
The most pain for you is you
Like a manifested destiny
It becomes so
As our books sit side by side on the shelf
Yours a story of never ending rage, war, and loss
Mine becomes a story of surrender, retreat, and release
For I am removing myself from your story
It is time to make myself the hero of my own
And write the closing of this chapter
For I can feel the peace and love I deserve
Waiting for me in the next chapters of my life
I am ready to transform my story
Into the self-love story I have long deserved
I hope you find your happy ending
I write a magic wish for that
Into my final paragraph
Of our chapter in my book
Then turn the page to my tabula rasa
Full of potential and possibilities
And the freedom to write my future
As rich and joyful as I can imagine it
-gws
I have entered my season of truth
The veil of delusion
Illusion
Deliberate ignorance
Is being peeled away
It is not an ugly truth
I find below the surface
But a blinding
Shining truth
One that offers a promise
Of deliverance from a
Self-imposed bondage
And offers a path
To a beautiful new freedom
-gws
It echoed of all the things that have caused me the deepest pain, and with nothing different or looking to be different, I think the final piece of shattered glass crashed to earth. -gws
You are keen to talk about how you have abandonment issues Well I have a truth you will not want to hear One I expect you to run from before I'm even done speaking YOU ABANDONED ME Over and over and in more and more devastating ways The crimes of those who were supposed to love you that have left you so aggrieved You visited your own version on me and I was too inexperienced in love and relationships To understand that I deserved better To see that you were too damaged to meet the potential I believed you held To walk away when you abandoned me again and again for alcohol drugs sex attention I loved you quietly and carefully with all the room you wanted and more And you injured and humiliated me loudly and publicly and repeatedly You'd say "I'm sorry" and act contrite Tell me you loved me and ask me not to leave And I stayed Every Time Eventually "I'm sorry" became "Fuck you" You railed that I was one thousand ways of not enough And when your abuse of me was painted as my own fault I believed it I believed it because it was It was because I didn't leave Over and over Days Years Decades I stayed You would whisper I love you in the morning Curse my name, my family and my gender in the afternoon And fuck me at night in your urgent, singular, drug-hazed version of "love making" Until you felt better and I felt used And I'd cry Hurt Helpless Confused Wondering what I was missing Wondering what I needed to do to fix our brokenness Wondering why I was beautiful when you were feeling good Then a vicious, scheming, calculated villain when you didn't get what you liked or wanted Unable to receive basic respect from you who was supposed to be "my person" Any boundary a crime because it was my job to be what you needed exactly when you needed it And if I wanted something different there would be hell to pay If not now, then when your discontent and dis-regulation overflowed its tiny containment And every perceived wrong ran from your mouth like rabid froth Hurting more than any physical blow Because I loved you And all the things I did to prove that to you weren't enough I did all that I could to be what you needed And my trying to salvage the bits of me that survived by saying, "No" or "I don't want to" This affronted you I burned for it I often wondered what was motivated by poor mental health and what was just you I'm sure the reality is there is some intersection of both somewhere But there is no solace No reason or justification makes how you've treated me okay Who else would have endured your storms and torment the way I did Who else will Those who had the luxury to remove themselves from your volatile orbit have And I envy them Our children mean that I will always have to remain close enough to you to risk burning No matter our actual proximity I have forgotten who I am I have abandoned myself to try to fill the holes in you created by others A task that I now understand to be a herculean effort and I am merely mortal And I have suffered in the place of your abusers because I was the one who chose to stay Who chose to reflect love through loyalty and support both emotional and financial But I am devastated now I am a wraith Embers and ash Burned up and burned out I cannot run this marathon any longer I love you and I cannot endure you any longer Or I will disappear completely in your flames I want more I want our children to have more I want to give them more More joy More light More laughter More kind words More love from a mother who is happy if not also contented And I cannot give them this while I'm submerged beneath the shadow of your pain and suffering And I am sorry that I cannot continue to wait for a healing that is so very slow to come I tried But the time has come for me to heal from you -gws
I no longer want to live a two-dimensional life in a three-dimensional world. -gws
Holding space is a sacred practice It is the ultimate act of presence Holding space is like drawing a circle of protection It feels like sitting beneath a bright sky on a warm afternoon in earl fall It feels like opening your arms wide as if you could embrace all of Creation It feels like sitting by a bedside in deep prayer Holding space is allowing room for feelings to flow freely without concerns for time Or worries of judgement, puzzling out solutions, or providing traditional comfort Holding space is not about fixing anyone or anything It is about allowing what is to just be as it needs to be It is about allowing a soul to just be as it needs to be For as long as needed It is about honoring the process It is about walking along someone in silent vigil as they navigate their journey Sometimes that is just for a moment Sometimes that is for a gauntlet Holding space is saying that my heart beats with yours for as long as you have need Without expectation Without demand Holding space is bearing witness with love, respect and grace -gws
That moment when you’re in freefall, just before you hit the ground to shatter apart into bitter shards of disappointment.
-gws
Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child Come, let Her waters wash over thee Come, let them cleanse thy soul Let the sweet waters renew and restore thee Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child Come, release thy sorrowful tears to Her Come, let the waters soothe the scars on your skin Let the sweet waters bare away thy hurt and pain Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child Come, cool thy weary feet at Her banks Come, drink from Her cold springs Let the sweet waters refresh and rejuvenate thy body and spirit Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child Come, lay down thy burdens in Her currents Come, relinquish thy distresses to Her care Let the sweet waters carry away thy worries to leave thee only peace -gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 