I realize that this year’s Christmas Will be my first in decades without you That shatters me like a dropped ornament I wanted us to be a Hallmark holiday romantic comedy But we were, instead, a Nancy McKeon movie of the week This year is heavy with disappointment Like that of not finding that hoped for gift beneath the tree Or the disillusionment of learning Santa Is just your parents’ amateur slight of hand Or that moment in Love Actually when Emma Thompson Opens her gift to discover it's a Joni Mitchell CD Instead of the expensive necklace that Alan Rickman Bought for his sexy secretary instead of his loving wife You keep trying to gift me expired I love yous I let them fall to the ground like dry pine needles Christmas lights wear glimmering halos From the tears that well when the Carpenters croon Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas I will not hang your stocking Or buy you a well-considered gift I will, however, cast a Christmas wish For you to dream of better days As you nestle in an unfamiliar bed That old St. Nick blesses you With a better life ahead
You have said a lifetime's worth of, "I love you" in the last ten months I remember that you rarely said it in the twenty-three years When I needed to hear it like my blood needed oxygen What am I to do with your, "I love you" now Now that I cannot love you anymore Oh! My heart still loves you Still wrings drops of hope from itself Hope hanging heavy from tear tracts To be wiped bitterly away Because there is no hope left Hope is just a tether Preventing me from moving on From acknowledging the truth that The third body is dead and has been for a long time Love's hope nearly destroyed me Consumed me My heart will not let me pry this foolish hope from her hands So instead, I have to lock it away In the dark, cold, empty cavity that is my chest Heart unable to comprehend that I do this for our own good It screams and howls in the echoing silence "One last chance!" "One more time!" "Maybe this time! Maybe! Just maybe!" "I love you" manifests no magic here "I love you" will not call forth a miracle for us I still love you, Too But I HAVE to love me, MORE
I plunge my hands Into the dark soil To harvest the fruits Of gratitude into the light It is practical work Grounding work Spiritual work To nourish my soul Drawing upon the root work Already deeply planted I turn my face to the sun
I still hold the smallest flickering flame of hope Smoldering painfully in my belly I keep trying to stomp it out Smother it But it persists Despite the obvious futility of its existence It will not listen to reason Will not extinguish beneath showers of bitter tears I must endure it Ignore it Until it gutters and dies on its own
When you came into my life You promised to be my everything You destroyed everything instead My hopes My dreams My confidence My joy My ability to love you My ability to love me So I made sure to take everything When I left
Slow to emerge from the long shadows And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear I begin to wonder what awaits me Who awaits me
The question nauseates me I'm not ready to open my heart Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon And yet I find myself wondering Will there be another My heart fearfully whispering, "Will I get a second chance?"
I'm not ready to fall in love again I am only longing for the magic of falling The elation that comes from feeling seen Feeling chosen Because all I wanted for so long Was to feel chosen To be enough
I am working to remember how to love me How to be enough for myself How to appreciate my perfect imperfections How to forgive the choices I made to survive I must become reacquainted with me
My future is tabula rasa Full of possibilities Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured I embrace my next chapter gratefully Even as my knees quake with each step forward
My blank slate has its first word: freedom Its second word: peace I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start
Words Wishes and Wisdom 