Joy and grief have made strange bedfellows in me As my smile breaks so does my heart I do not know when their synchronicity began I do know I wish their relationship would end Allowing me my lightness Not pulled down by pain
This emotional eclipse as regular as heartbeats A quiet walk in cool, cathedral woods Interrupted by the unexpected sharp snap of a branch underfoot Sending a flurry of birds screaming into the sky Like storming clouds suddenly covering the sun on a perfect day
Of course joy needs pain so that they can tell themselves apart Trauma and struggle have conjoined them in me No scalpel skilled enough to detach them into their unique parts... Or at least not yet
Behind each smile lies is a threatening tear Every laugh has a sob waiting in the wings I will chaperone this opposing pair Let them fill me as they will Sweet nectar and bitter pill At least I'm blessed enough to feel
My demons tell me I’m not enough They rake burning shame across my skin Hiss monologues of self-doubt In the echo chamber of my ringing ears They use your voice Never silent And they laugh At the cleverness of their torture
Inside her dreaming, I see her Hurting Lost Grieving Bags beneath her eyes from haunted or missing sleep Furrowed brows from innumerable worries Her will shaken and unsure I know her well for she is me Me ensconced in endings and beginnings Me inelegantly navigating transition
The magic of dreaming grants me this opportunity I approach her My hair more silvered My face more textured My heart glowing warm with a joy for living That felt so unreachable then
"Hello," I say
She composes herself and silently greets me in return
"I hope you don't mind, you look like you could use a friend."
She inhales unsteadily and motions for me to sit We look out at the passing world Quiet for an indistinguishable amount of time
"It will not always feel this way," I say
I take her hand in mine She does not resist
"Do you remember when your children were babies?"
She nods slowly Eyes unfocused as she touches the memories
"Do you remember the nights that felt so long? The marathon of survival that was three babies under three?"
She nods again with a slight smile Alighting at the corner of her lips as she remembers
"It felt like forever until you one day realized You could sleep through the night. You could establish routines. You could start making time for yourself In bigger and bigger doses."
She exhales Her shoulders lowering a bit
"This journey is just like that one. Unpredictable and exhausting. Endless in the moment. Overwhelming."
She looks at her hand in mine and nods I wrap my other around our clasped hands
"This will not last forever. You will find your way off your knees As the weight of this slowly lifts from you. You will relinquish your worry. Your grief will fade to make room for joy. You will learn to trust yourself again. You will learn to trust others again. Do not get too lost in your sadness. Navigate moments of laughter and lightness Like stepping stones amongst the mud. Let them light up your eyes and relax your shoulders. Let them propel you through your days Until you are no longer keeping track of days. Just like those early times in motherhood You will awaken to find yourself on the other side. Changed. Renewed. Rebuilt. Ready to welcome joy and love and freedom willingly. The fog and pain will clear as passing storms do. This I can promise you."
She looks up into my face Eyes searching mine as I smile and squeeze her hand I watch as a tiny light returns to her tear-filled eyes
"How do you know?" she whispers
I pull her hand to my heart.
"Because I have seen you do it. I have witnessed you rise from these ashes. I know how powerful and radiant you will emerge."
As dreams do when truth is revealed The edges of this world begin to dissolve like chalk in rain The light of recognition begins to glow in her eyes As I release her hand and stand I step in amongst the other passersby of her dreamscape My message conveyed My job done A voice from her future left to linger in her dreaming Placing a north star in the sky of her darkest night
Hope is a fickle thing Often false Illusory A mirage A baseless promise
Hope motivates us forward Baiting us with potential Failing to prepare us for the broken heart Inevitable after it evaporates
Hope is the rainbow that can never be caught The dream that refuses to be remembered after waking The gilded lie we tell ourselves to survive hell The ten more seconds or minutes or days or years We clutch with white knuckles and held breaths
Hope is binary For all it inspires It is equally devastating Its dark face too ugly to acknowledge Its broken legacies left to nightmares and Grimm tales
I don't feel well today Reverberating echos of broken dreams Aching pervasive guilt Persistent pointless hope That will not stay snuffed out Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today The sun still rose in a misty pink sky The flowers are blooming and busy with bees Birds sing songs of spring awakening Amongst the newly sprouted leaves Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today Warm afternoon sunlight dries tears That slip from beneath my sunglasses The world assaults my senses Too loud, bright, fast Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today I am told that time heals That I'm doing the right things That I didn't cause it I can't control or cure it Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
How many times do I have to snuff out the candle of hope in my chest because my heart refuses to accept that you are incapable of being who I need you to be?
I have worn my tear stains like war paint The flush of agony, despair, and rage, too I have unleashed keening so potent The gods stopped to answer With a path to deliverance
Words Wishes and Wisdom 