I tried to love you
In spite of yourself
I couldn’t know
That I’d forget
To love me
In the process
-gws
Unintended Consequences
Tag: wordsmithing
Wants and Needs
Everything's become about
Wants and needs
So much so
That we forgot
How to just
Be
-gws
Tell No One
Tell no one your deepest dreams
Those valuable things
That manifest in the heart's nebula
The burning factory of creation
Tucked securely in your soul
They are precious treasures
Composed of ether and moonlight
Not fit for just anyone's consumption
-gws
Menopause
What is this nightmare?
Acne
Joint pain
Mood swings
Hot flashes
Night sweats
Insomnia
It's a good thing that men do not experience
The joys of menopause
I'm pretty sure that we would have
Destroyed ourselves long ago if they did
Because this experience is madness
It's like the upgrade to puberty no one wanted
I HAVE SO MUCH RAGE
This has to be the reason women stop
Putting up with intolerable things during midlife
Because I'm ready to take a machete to all of the bullshit
I have zero patience for anything
When my hormones tumble out of wack
All stupidity enrages me
And so many things are branded with
A blinking neon sign that reads
STUPIDEST THING EVER
DO NOT TOLERATE
Now don't get it twisted, gentle listeners
There are no excuses planted here
Do not dismiss my disgruntled reactions
As merely hormonal storm surges
These hormones are the reason I can see
The bullshit so clearly
They are the reason I will not abide the bullshit
One second longer
As I once let go of the Maiden's mantel to take up the Mother's mantel
I now start letting go of my Mother's mantel
To assume the mantel of the Crone
Her knowing look
Her sharp witted smirk
She has seen it and rejected it all
She understands that societal norms
The expectations that sit like weights
Upon her back are not hers to carry
She understands that she is a force
She stops caring what others think of her
And starts caring about what she thinks of herself
I feel these changes calling to my core
Calling the taproot of my soul to descend
Into the tides ruled by my will and Grace's wisdom
Tides that my ancestors waded in
And tapped into before me
The wise women
The grandmothers
The healers and midwives
The matriarchs
I am about to inherit their legacy
But first
I must walk this gauntlet called menopause
This thrill ride is only just beginning
And I already want off
If you meet me and see a feral glint in my eye
Or sweat on my brow
Know it's best to just walk on by
My grasp on my self-control
Is not a secure one
I run on resentments and judgment
Not tightly moored to my higher self
This base self more worldly
Guiding me through this transition
Steeped in ragged ugly truth
So that when I emerge
My crown of silver
Is earned
-gws
Dear Woman in the Mirror
Dear woman in the mirror
How are you today?
Did you sleep well?
I’d like to ask you to be my Valentine?
My Gal-entine?
My number one relationship
Will you dream with me of our happiness?
Will you help me manifest our joy?
I promise to shower you in compliments
To speak softly and gently to you
I will hold your wellbeing above all things
I know I haven’t always been your cheerleader
I have often been your worst critic
And I’m sorry for that
I’m learning how to treat you better
I’m learning how to better support you
To do more than acknowledge you have needs
I wish to meet those needs
I wish to show you the deepest kindness
I wish to reflect your incomparable worthiness
Because you are always worthy
No matter what others say or do to prove otherwise
Would you like a cup of tea?
How about a blanket and a good book?
Do you need a moment in the sun,
Or perhaps a nap buried beneath mounds of blankets?
You and me are the OG
We’ve got to take care of each other
Because no matter who comes and goes
We will always have each other
We’ve endured a lot together
I know you are so tired
I promise you that we will learn to move
From surviving to thriving
You and I
Let’s start today, my Valentine
By promising to say these three words
Every time we see each other
I love you
I love you
I love you
(I love me)
(I love me)
(I love me)
-gws
Maxfield Parrish Skies
I'm not a morning person
But I love the Maxfield Parrish skies of dawn
Pink and purple watercolor brush strokes
Across a robin's egg blue sky
Golden light gilding every cloud in radiant luminescence
Pastel magic painted across the heavens
Suspending breath through awe
Arresting the rush and rattle of morning routines
With the beauty of nature's majesty
I will gladly pour a cup of coffee in the wee hours
If I get to enjoy a front row seat for such an art show
-gws
Thousand
I've told you a thousand times I hate your demands of my body
You've shown me a thousand and one times you don't give a shit
I've swallowed a thousand silent screams of frustration
I've cried a thousand silent tears of rage
I've counted a thousand agonizing seconds waiting
For the understanding to etch across your face
That OUR relationship is more than just YOUR needs
But it never manifests
A thousand and one times this exchange plays out
Like ghosts caught in the temporal fly paper of their last moments
I can't even pretend I'm okay anymore
I will not arrange my face into a mask of acceptance
I will, instead, blank my face and retreat into my mind
Counting a thousand heartbeats enduring the unwanted attention
Disguised as affection that is really an affliction upon my person
One would think that a girl who looks like me should be grateful
That a boy who looks like you is so obsessed with a body like mine
I will admit that some part of me is flattered
That my thousand fat cells bear your label: SEXY
But when the package is more valued than the contents
It feels like a thousand Christmases where the kids
Like the boxes better than the presents I agonized over choosing
I have identified a thousand random shapes in the ceiling paint
I have taken a thousand calming breaths
While screaming a thousand times in my mind
STOP TOUCHING ME
It is a thousand moments of madness
When I want a thousand and one moments
Seeking my enthusiastic consent
Instead I endure a thousand days
Until the thousand is down to one
-gws
No Longer Invested
I am no longer invested
In getting you to love me
The way that I need to be loved
I am no longer invested
In your opinions of me
I am no longer invested
In trying to meet you in the middle
I am no longer invested
In twisting myself into broken shapes to please you
When my only reward is pain
I am no longer invested
Because I have divested you
Of your access to my serenity
-gws
Adjectives
On the night I was arrested
Our argument ended when
You called me a
"Fat. Lazy. Black. Bitch."
Our children heard you
I heard you
I couldn't believe you said it
But I heard you
The words hung in the air like poison
Choking the tears in my eyes
Choking the rage in my throat
Time stopped
Suspended by shock
Each painfully silent moment
Accompanied by the roaring blood
Rushing like a raging river in my ears
As I stood in the kitchen
Eyes wide and mouth open
Speechless
Everything suddenly clear
As I stared at you in utter disbelief
It was over
It had been over
And with that final insult
Those four ugly adjectives
It became unmistakably understood
I was done
-gws
Unsafe
Your aggravated aggressive agitations
Make alarm bells clang in my body
Danger!
Danger!
Hide!
As my stomach churns
And my blood pressure rises
I'm exhausted from near-constant hypervigilance
You may not be angry at me
I may not be the cause
But I'm in the blast radius
I'm in the radiation zone
Perfect collateral damage
Victim of your salted earth strategy
Or perhaps your target practice
I am not your Linus blanket
I am not your heavy bag
But you would have me be those things
Often in rapid succession
Leaving my nerves discordantly vibrating beneath my skin
-gws
