Balanced on a blade's edge Above pikes and perils How do I choose When all options feel fraught Dancing between hard choices Avoiding difficult decisions Leaves me stranded in indecision Unable to feel my way forward I must have faith That the knife thrower's aim Flies true -gws
Say the thing Make it awkward For we never know when the final fickle Fate Will wield her scissors and snip a thread from our tapestry Forever severing a connection An action that cannot be undone "I love you." "I miss you." "I care about you." "You are important to me." "My life is better with you in it." Whatever the thing is you feel SAY IT And let it go Knowing that you have released love In some version Into the life of someone you care for in some way We are fortunate to have our lives Woven with many threads But as gently as we are entangled together The severing and unraveling are inevitable Sharp and severe We will have loss But we do not have to have regret Say the thing Make it awkward Only Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos See the grand weaving of our lives How each chapter of our lives will unfold And how and when those varied chapters will end Within those pages we are gifted with the opportunity of choice To give and receive love with the others in our story Say the thing Make it awkward -gws
Every step I take I'm stomping on eggshells They cover the landscape of this relationship Like unexploded landmines after a war The book explained it It explained you It explained us Or More specifically Why there is no air between us Why there is no peace between us Why there is little hope for us The book However Didn't tell me what I could do about it What I should do about it The only peace it gave was that The immobility was a real side effect The difficulty breathing Being Living Leaving That feeling stuck was normal It isn't a failing But a reflection of the deeply difficult Existence of living with Loving Trying to love Being loved by Being hated by Being loved by Being resented by Being loved by Being shamed by Being loved by Being eviscerated by Being loved by Being devastated by A person with a personality disorder gws
It echoed of all the things that have caused me the deepest pain, and with nothing different or looking to be different, I think the final piece of shattered glass crashed to earth. -gws
My voice has been captured Pinned like a butterfly in a shadowbox Stored away for safe keeping Some think it soothing and melodic Which amuses me since I find it awkward Muted by fear of judgment and indifference But no more I have removed the glass and pins And though it trembles It is free Free to become stronger To spread its wings and venture into other gardens Fragile and imperfect Brave and determined Flitting from ear to ear Pollinating minds with my perspectives Flying joyously free on the wind -gws
I hope that when I One day Write my memoir I have learned How to be happy -gws
You are keen to talk about how you have abandonment issues Well I have a truth you will not want to hear One I expect you to run from before I'm even done speaking YOU ABANDONED ME Over and over and in more and more devastating ways The crimes of those who were supposed to love you that have left you so aggrieved You visited your own version on me and I was too inexperienced in love and relationships To understand that I deserved better To see that you were too damaged to meet the potential I believed you held To walk away when you abandoned me again and again for alcohol drugs sex attention I loved you quietly and carefully with all the room you wanted and more And you injured and humiliated me loudly and publicly and repeatedly You'd say "I'm sorry" and act contrite Tell me you loved me and ask me not to leave And I stayed Every Time Eventually "I'm sorry" became "Fuck you" You railed that I was one thousand ways of not enough And when your abuse of me was painted as my own fault I believed it I believed it because it was It was because I didn't leave Over and over Days Years Decades I stayed You would whisper I love you in the morning Curse my name, my family and my gender in the afternoon And fuck me at night in your urgent, singular, drug-hazed version of "love making" Until you felt better and I felt used And I'd cry Hurt Helpless Confused Wondering what I was missing Wondering what I needed to do to fix our brokenness Wondering why I was beautiful when you were feeling good Then a vicious, scheming, calculated villain when you didn't get what you liked or wanted Unable to receive basic respect from you who was supposed to be "my person" Any boundary a crime because it was my job to be what you needed exactly when you needed it And if I wanted something different there would be hell to pay If not now, then when your discontent and dis-regulation overflowed its tiny containment And every perceived wrong ran from your mouth like rabid froth Hurting more than any physical blow Because I loved you And all the things I did to prove that to you weren't enough I did all that I could to be what you needed And my trying to salvage the bits of me that survived by saying, "No" or "I don't want to" This affronted you I burned for it I often wondered what was motivated by poor mental health and what was just you I'm sure the reality is there is some intersection of both somewhere But there is no solace No reason or justification makes how you've treated me okay Who else would have endured your storms and torment the way I did Who else will Those who had the luxury to remove themselves from your volatile orbit have And I envy them Our children mean that I will always have to remain close enough to you to risk burning No matter our actual proximity I have forgotten who I am I have abandoned myself to try to fill the holes in you created by others A task that I now understand to be a herculean effort and I am merely mortal And I have suffered in the place of your abusers because I was the one who chose to stay Who chose to reflect love through loyalty and support both emotional and financial But I am devastated now I am a wraith Embers and ash Burned up and burned out I cannot run this marathon any longer I love you and I cannot endure you any longer Or I will disappear completely in your flames I want more I want our children to have more I want to give them more More joy More light More laughter More kind words More love from a mother who is happy if not also contented And I cannot give them this while I'm submerged beneath the shadow of your pain and suffering And I am sorry that I cannot continue to wait for a healing that is so very slow to come I tried But the time has come for me to heal from you -gws
I am from slave ships, cotton fields, and courthouse slave trades
I am from generations of strong women who fought to do more than simply survive
From an oldest, broken white son with a poet's heart and a love of rivers
I am from a youngest, determined black daughter who sacrificed so much for those she loves
I am from a loving grandmother who wore her traumas as bitterness
While she fixed fried chicken and collard greens with ease
I am from Saturday morning chores with the "golden oldies" playing
I am from love and struggle and sacrifice, the latter two I was rarely aware of
I am from church on Sundays to commune with a God I knew better than most in that place
And who wore a virgin mother's countenance
I am from morning and afternoon cartoon blocks
And Saturday mornings in front of the TV singing to School House Rock
I am from riding my bike for miles and for hours
I am from being too curvy to be a real dancer
While I danced my heart to joyful dust on every stage
I am from having so much to say but rarely feeling heard
I am from watching TV at the same time as a friend while on a phone attached to a wall
And playing chicken with who will hang up before a parent yelled at both of us to get off the phone
I am from acid washed jeans, baby doll tops, denim, velour, and asymmetrical collars and hems
Hammer pants, jelly shoes, banana clips, mismatched pairs of accessories, side ponytails
From French-cut leotards, stirrup pants, Lycra biker shorts, flavored lip gloss, and neon everything
I am from My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Bright, Cabbage Patch Kids, He-Man, and She-Ra
I am from Voltron, Robotech, GI Joe, Snorks, Smurfs, reruns of Loony Tunes, and Scooby-Doo
From Newton's Apple, Square One TV, 321 Contact, Not Another Science Show, and Read It
I am from Garbage Pail Kids, Magic: The Gathering, Pogs, and Beanie Babies
I am from "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret?" and "The Dollhouse Murders"
From Choose Your Own Adventures, and Encyclopedia Brown
Christopher Pike, Diane Duane, collections of "true" ghost stories and tales of the strange
I am from Dallas, Dynasty, Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries
Fantasy Island, The Cosby Show, and The Wonderful World of Disney
I am from "At the sound of the tone *chime sound* turn the page."
From hitting record on my tape deck hoping to catch my favorite song without a DJ's voice
I am from Fisher Price record players, dual tape decks, and dropping mix tapes for mix CDs
From VHS winning over beta-max and laser disc
From spending hours in mall bookstores, arcades, and food courts
I am from dreams and imaginings
Soap bubble fairy wishes and hours of made up worlds alone and with friends
From possibilities and plans
I am from "You will have more than I did."
And "You will want for little."
I am from a loving mother who never let me feel alone
I am from good friends who never made me feel like the weird kid I kinda was
I am from "You are as good, if not better, than EVERYONE else, and don't you forget it!"
And "You can do anything you put your mind to."
I am from a tapestry of experiences and influences
From a variety of adventures and explorations
I am from a life full of love and support and as much opportunity as could be afforded
And though not always easy or smooth
I am from the just-right mix that created the me you see
-gws
Step on it until it collapses in on itself Choke away all of its oxygen Ignore it Dismiss it Gaslight it React hostilely to its sound Force its words to drown beneath sobs Scream over it Belittle it Steal its truth away Repeat until it fails to rise anymore Until it is replaced by clenched teeth and fists Held back by tight and bitten lips Repeat until it forgets its own sound -gws
My feelings are big They feel bigger than me They feel taller and broader Than the tallest tall tree A hand on my belly I count, "One, two, three..." And breathe in as deep As the shining blue sea Repeat this again As much as I need Until those big feelings They start to recede Last, wrap my arms tight And give Self a hug Say, "You're doing alright." "You just needed self-love" -gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 