You were never mine
You were too transient to be considered mine
Too non-committal
But you attached yourself to me anyway
You kept coming back to knock on my door
And I kept letting you in
You wouldn't let go of me
Though you didn't really want me
And I was too blind
Trusting
Hopeful to acknowledge the truth I knew in my bones
That I'd never be enough for you
Because you didn't know what enough felt like
You were a bottomless pit of need that could not seem to be filled
I kept pouring into you
Until I was empty
And it wasn't enough
I always found ways of putting pennies in your cup
While mine lay abandoned and empty at our feet
Both of us left hungry and growling
Snapping and swiping at each other
Bloody
Broken
Damaged
Miserable
And for God knows what reason
Still unable to let go
I wished you had just let me go
And that I let you
-gws
I don't get to run from pain
It finds me
It circles like a wolf pack around wounded prey
I drop to my knees
Paralyzed and desperate for breath
Silent screams dying on my swollen lips
Tear tracks on my cheeks like tattoos
There's not enough rage to power a comeback
I've always gotten back up
But when is enough fight enough
When do I get to catch a break
Death by a thousand cuts is agony
Maybe I just need to lay face down in the mud
And let it drown me
I'm too tired to take another hit
-gws
These Hollywood nights are long The city filled with thousands of souls All of us together yet alone The green and white neon outside my window burns intrusively bright Adding to my restlessness in an unforgiving summer heat I imagine this is what Hell feels like All sweat, restlessness, longing, and need The fan whirls and clicks in the corner of the room Impotent in its efforts to bring relief
I stare at soot-stained walls remembering You are mine and I am yours Though we are neither You haunt my dreams The smell of you The taste of you The dancing electricity of your skin against mine The spark of us igniting together I submerge into the memory of us Distracting myself from the oppression of a city that welcomes no one
I see your silhouette leaning over me when I close my eyes I feel the softness of your lips and the heat of your breath I shiver as goosebumps rise on my too hot skin I can almost feel your hands on my body And the ghost of your lust-heavy voice whispering in my ear I let out an inaudible gasp as rivulets of sweat run races along my throat Reminding me of your fingertips
Sirens suddenly erupt from the street The walls now the stage for the dance of red and blue strobes Reality returns with its harsh shadows and sharp light Razor-edged voices rise up from the sidewalk Flavoring the oppressive night with desperation and power struggles I take a drag off my joint in an attempt to increase the space between me and the world I hold the smoke in my lungs for as long as I can Praying that when I release it that I can float away from this existence with it Back to the place where you held me close in a cool, comforting illusion of love
If wishes were grains of sand
I'd own beach front property
If hopes were shooting stars
Every night would be the Perseids
If dreams were glitter
I'd be a drag queen on a Saturday night
If fairy tales were real
True love's kiss would have delivered me from my waking trials
But I do not live at the beach
Or sleep below a light-streaked sky
I do not glitter on a stage
And there is no magical happy ever after
I, instead, walk moment to moment
Doing my best to keep my feet
I rub weariness from my eyes
And sadness from my heart
And despite myself, I continue to wish and hope and dream
Because my dreamer's heart is more stubborn than my jaded mind
-gws
Knowing how to navigate life while feeling overwhelmed is the hardest. Being in the "here and now," in the breath, with the heartbeat and the space between them is enough. This awareness creates a space where I can remember that I am safe and ok right now, and that knowledge keeps me calm and tethered in life's storms.
-gws
I am a shorted circuit
Blown out and useless
Pushed beyond my capacity to function
Unable to manifest an ounce of energy
Burnt ozone the only proof
That I blazed bright
Before I met my limit
And succumbed completely
To my efforts to keep the lights on
Forever numb
-gws
How do I turn down the pain? How do I stop the loop that repeatedly plays your violent words that pierced my soul? How do we recover from the bomb you threw at our feet so you could feel… Better? Superior? Right? I bled out from the wounds you gave me. I died in front of you, and you didn’t even notice. Worse, you didn’t care. I have returned as a ghost, broken and haunted by unfinished business. You try to act as if you genuinely care, but your concern is just damage control for your guilt. Your guilt will eventually fade, and your resentments will return. But I am already gone.
Words Wishes and Wisdom 