Autumn Memories 1

I miss foggy autumn mornings in San Francisco having breakfast with my bestie in his haunted apartment in a building which was once a Gilded Age brothel.

-gws

Death

The dead are not lost to you.  They are changed.  They are transformed.  You have not lost them.  You are feeling lost without them.  Feel.  Be.  Grieve.  
Watch.  Listen.  Be present. They will make themselves known to you when you are both ready.  Death feels like loss, but it is really just change we lack the skills to comprehend.
-gws

Never Enough

You were never mine
You were too transient to be considered mine
Too non-committal
But you attached yourself to me anyway
You kept coming back to knock on my door
And I kept letting you in
You wouldn't let go of me
Though you didn't really want me
And I was too blind 
Trusting
Hopeful to acknowledge the truth I knew in my bones
That I'd never be enough for you
Because you didn't know what enough felt like
You were a bottomless pit of need that could not seem to be filled
I kept pouring into you
Until I was empty
And it wasn't enough
I always found ways of putting pennies in your cup
While mine lay abandoned and empty at our feet
Both of us left hungry and growling
Snapping and swiping at each other
Bloody
Broken
Damaged
Miserable
And for God knows what reason
Still unable to let go
I wished you had just let me go
And that I let you

-gws

Poison

Your soul is bruised by the poison you drink from your own veins.

-gws

Dimensional

I no longer want to live a two-dimensional life in a three-dimensional world.

-gws

I Need

I need fire
Passion
Excitement

I need curiosity and
Deep conversations in dark corners
Long walks in nature in comfortable silence

I need art
And dance
And song
And philosophy

I need magic
And mystery
And unicorns

I need amazing dinners
Fancy cocktails
And whispered secrets over candlelit tables

I need rainy day cuddles
Pillow fights
And breakfasts in bed

I need blanket forts
And favorite movies with popcorn
And taking turns reading The Princess Bride out loud for the hundredth time

I need surprise ice cream breakfasts
Slow dancing in the kitchen
And long, involved conversations about our individual dreams

I need connection
Of mind
And of spirit

If you want to love me I need you to
See me
Hear me
Give me room to stretch, explore and grow
And you will be rewarded with experiencing the world
As the magical adventure I know it to be

-gws

Cellophane Love Notes

You will never love me the way I love you
And that's ok
Because loving you makes me brighter
Loving you gives my words weight
And my dreams color
It's longing for you that I will avoid doing
It's hoping that one day you will love me back
That I cannot let my heart abide
It's not that you do not care
You care deeply
Devotedly
But it is not the same as love reciprocated
And I cannot conflate the two
Or I will drown in heartbreak of my own creation
Instead I sit in the the patch of warm sunlight that is your affection
Feeling content in being seen
Being heard
Being cared for
In ways few others do
I attach cellophane love notes to the walls of my beautiful prison
Declaring "I love you!" in invisible ink that you will never see
You will never love me the way I love you
But you love me nonetheless in your own way
And I will let that be enough

 - gws

Words for a Dear Friend

It's easy for me to imagine how you might be rolling through all kinds of emotions.  I'll hold space for you.  I'll sit with you in the quiet of your storms.  I'll be your safety whether you're overwhelmed or just contemplative.  I've sat with you through hard things before, and I will do it again.

-gws

Asking

Photo by JESSICA TICOZZELLI on Pexels.com

You ask what can you do
Nothing
You can do nothing
How can you offer what you do not have
How can you heal what you cannot perceive
How can you give comfort 
I speak with ghosts as you lay next to me 
So I can remember what it feels like to be seen
To be understood in a way you are incapable of
I don't know if you will ever be capable of learning to love me
In all of the deeply intricate ways that I need
Not If you can't learn to see me for who and what I actually am
-gws

Thousand Cuts

I don't get to run from pain
It finds me
It circles like a wolf pack around wounded prey
I drop to my knees
Paralyzed and desperate for breath
Silent screams dying on my swollen lips
Tear tracks on my cheeks like tattoos
There's not enough rage to power a comeback
I've always gotten back up
But when is enough fight enough
When do I get to catch a break
Death by a thousand cuts is agony
Maybe I just need to lay face down in the mud
And let it drown me
I'm too tired to take another hit
-gws