Do onto others as you wish to be done onto This is the call Cast off the shackles of Abuse Neglect Mistreatment Harm The scars that mar your ancestors The scars that mar you The greatest gift given in life Free will Wield it like a craftsman Hold it like a pen and Rewrite your story Erase the patterns from your pages Show your children that you Can reshape the stars in the sky Show them how to heal in the light of the moon And the bright beacon of day No future is written in stone No fate inevitable Let it begin here By deciding the pain of the past Ends here
The Universe intervened In our amber-trapped lives Cleaving us asunder Now that your umbra is clearing I begin to see the Universe has Gifted me infinite sunrises Bursting with innumerable possibilities After half my life with you Standing you up Holding you up I find myself suddenly free Of the responsibility of you I delight in the joy of doing anything Without your judgment I relax remembering that there are no Relentless expectations to navigate I revel in a full night's uninterrupted sleep I relinquish more and more tension from my body As each day passes without you A single divine gift containing All the possibilities I can dream of I will not get over you in a day You have left me a moonscape Desolate and damaged I will redeem and reclaim myself Both shadow and light Ever shifting and changing Just like the magnificent moon
Holding hands in matching rockers Laughing about when we were young You reminiscing about record stores and ska shows As I tell our grandchildren tales of magic Spending our sunset days in loving conversations Each other's best bestie Strolling into the ever after that follows the happily
Inelegant and rough hewn Invisible to all but me Oppressive and injurious This prison of grief and fear Holds me fast Arrested The key to joy held tight in my hand I wait for the guard to look away So I can fly free
I exist in a liminal state A being And not a being
Grief ebbs and flows in king tides Emptying me Submerging me Stealing away my breath With its pressure changes Feelings grow in question marks Within my hollow chest Proliferating like fungus in the fall Inside of my being that is not a being
Emptiness overflowing with nothingness Destruction and restoration Warring to fill the immeasurable void Shaped like my cremated heart Pulsing with unfathomable aching Testing the tolerances of My being that is not a being
It is surreal to be and not be To experience the reality of the question Posed by Master Shakespeare In rhyme and sonnet so long ago To understand that one can be both A being and not a being
The first spring rain falls from a darkened sky Washing away the heaviness from the air Bringing deliverance of spirit Offering itself as balm for my weary heart Through its steady patter beyond my open window Petrichor rising to ground me Cool and damp air greeting too hot skin I close my eyes Imagining my complete surrender to it Making an offering of all that scars me All that weighs so heavily on my shoulders I welcome this renewal This forgiveness This peace I invite this healing Surrender to this gentleness Allow this act of cleansing Readying my world to reawaken Readying me to bloom again
Thank you all for being my angels My bowling lane bumper guards My Jiminy Crickets My chorus of friends and family Who say the things I have had so much trouble saying to myself For constantly reminding me that the children and I Demand, command, and deserve To be held most valuable For reminding me that no matter how terrible I feel about what I am doing That there is a greater good that I must serve That of the wellbeing of my family of three growing souls and one old, weary one “I love you,” is hardly powerful enough “I’m grateful,” is impotent in its ability to deliver the depth Of what I feel for what you are doing for me and my children You have filled the many holes in me with light and love and patience and grace This journey hasn’t drowned me because you have pulled my head from beneath the water Gently reminding me to breathe until I can remember how to float again I know I wouldn’t be at this place Walking forward one painful step at a time without all of you Picking me up and cheering me on
“Remember you didn’t cause it. You couldn’t have prevented it. You have nothing to feel guilty for. It is okay to grieve. There is much to grieve, But do not confuse grief with guilt.”
I did not know how much I needed These words until they were spoken.
