Once upon a time, there was a young woman full of bright hot rage. If she could have burned the world, she would have. The young woman couldn't function in the world in this state so she shoved down the rage. She stuffed it into the darkest, most secure space in her soul. The trouble was that the hot, acid rage ate away at its container. The young woman could feel hints of the corrosion. Sometimes the rage would escape, like a coronal eruption, flaring fierce and hot, leaving the young woman devastated and trying to pick up the pieces left behind in the aftermath. One day, the woman wasn't quite young anymore. The wound that housed the rage showed in her eyes in the mirror. It slipped from her lips as resentments. It cramped her hands into fists in her sleep. It tasted bitter in her mouth, and started fragmenting her damaged soul. One day, she grabbed her keys and just started walking. She walked with tears in her eyes and sobs in her chest until she found herself in an open space. In that open space, she laid down on her back, looked to the sky, and she screamed. She raged and wailed at the sky, emptying herself of all the bitterness that had filled her up and overflowed the hollow space in her soul. She let all of it go. She gave it to her god with desperation, and prayed to know how to heal. Her higher power led her to others who knew her pain. Those people welcomed her without judgement, and offered her twelve small steps that lead her to a new experience: serenity.
-gws
I am only in control of my choices and reactions
I accept that I am not my own higher power
I recognize that in order to begin to experience serenity I must accept that I am powerless over people places and things
I will be present in the understanding that "Thy will be done"
I know your hand guides my life through all joys and hardships
I have experienced many times the presence of your influence when I choose to believe that you have y back through any storm
You have never failed to provide and lead me to gentler shores
I ask you to oversee my journey through the twelve steps
Please continue to place me where I can be taught by the experience, strength, and hope of others who have walked the path of recovery, both before and after me
Continue to help me grow and to learn how to care about myself and take care of myself when the chaos of others bangs on my door looking to disrupt my hard earned serenity
Help me to be open to truly discovering and uncovering more about myself
Help me be brave in the face of hard truths
Help me to be brave enough to be true to myself when fear motivates old patterns in my behavoir
Help me remember how to show up as my best self or to forgive myself when I don't
Guide me from step to step and from day to day as I practice what I am learning on this journey
Help me walk honestly and to be vulnerable when appropriate
Use my voice to help others when I share my experiences
Place me in the time and place that I am needed and that I need
Be the gateway that marks my path to a new way of living and continue to speak loudly in my life as you always have
Help me to remember you are always beside me, even in the darkest despair
You are always the light of hope that reminds me it cannot always be night
I surrender to your loving will and plan for my life
I am only in control of my choices and reactions
I accept that I am not my own higher power
I recognize that in order to begin to experience serenity I must accept that I am powerless over people places and things
I will be present in the understanding that "Thy will be done"
I know your hand guides my life through all joys and hardships
I have experienced many times the presence of your influence when I choose to believe that you have y back through any storm
You have never failed to provide and lead me to gentler shores
I ask you to oversee my journey through the twelve steps
Please continue to place me where I can be taught by the experience, strength, and hope of others who have walked the path of recovery, both before and after me
Continue to help me grow and to learn how to care about myself and take care of myself when the chaos of others bangs on my door looking to disrupt my hard earned serenity
Help me to be open to truly discovering and uncovering more about myself
Help me be brave in the face of hard truths
Help me to be brave enough to be true to myself when fear motivates old patterns in my behavoir
Help me remember how to show up as my best self or to forgive myself when I don't
Guide me from step to step and from day to day as I practice what I am learning on this journey
Help me walk honestly and to be vulnerable when appropriate
Use my voice to help others when I share my experiences
Place me in the time and place that I am needed and that I need
Be the gateway that marks my path to a new way of living and continue to speak loudly in my life as you always have
Help me to remember you are always beside me, even in the darkest despair
You are always the light of hope that reminds me it cannot always be night
I surrender to your loving will and plan for my life
-gws
Please excuse the mess
This house is under construction
Held together by scotch tape and string
The foundation is rotten and weak
And there are bats in the attack
Making a terrible mess of things
At least the curtains are nice
-gws
I have a special talent for finding broken things
I find the problems that no one else notices
I find the shards of glass that evade discovery
I find the people who silently wish someone would see their pain
I do not find to fix
I do not wish to mend
I do not seek out what is damaged
I just have the ability to see what tends to go unseen
To really shine a light into the flaws
I bare witness to what most people rush past
Maybe this is because I'm curious
Maybe because I am willing to shift my perspective
In ways others lack the imagination for
It is a talent and a curse
This ability manifests in all areas of my life
It shows up in the mundane and in the significant
In my tasks and in my relationships
I don't know why I have this gift
I'm not sure if I'm using it as expected or intended
I do accept it for what it is
I accept that it brings both pain and triumph
I acknowledge this talent
I acknowledge its significance
I am an agent of the Universe
A servant of the greater good
Touching both the rose and the thorn
The beauty and the pain
And being of service to the greater good
Seeing what is neglected or invisible
Advocating
Listening
Bearing witness
With honesty and earnestness
-gws
Why can't I hear you?
Because you are not quiet.
Why can't I feel you?
Because you are not still.
Why can't I trust you?
Because you are surrendering to fear and not faith.
I am speaking to you in songs on the radio.
I am comforting you when you feel the breeze drying your tears.
I am supporting you even though you feel you are falling.
I am reminding you that I am with you in conversations with your friends.
My love is stronger than your doubt.
My strength is greater than your fear.
My arms surround you when you grieve.
My cheers lift you when you achieve.
I know you are facing what feels insurmountable.
I know you are grieving and frightened.
You must remember that I will not abandon you.
You must remember that I will see you through.
You are my child.
Made from stardust and moonlight.
I will believe in you when you do not believe in yourself.
I will stand strong when your knees buckle.
I will hold vigil when you walk through darkness.
I will love you through all things.
-gws
My word for the new year is "joy"
This is not a word I feel in my bones right now
The feel of it in my mouth is foreign
I cannot swallow it because it catches in my throat
But it doesn't want to crawl back out
It wants to be consumed so it can plant itself inside of me
It wants to grow and flourish like a flowering vine
Wrapping itself around my heart and soul
And pulling me out of fear and despair
Joy wishes to drop its seeds into my darkness like a lotus
Where they can take root and bloom within my disturbance
Transforming my world from muddy hopelessness
Into vibrant newness and luminous hope
-gws
This weekend sees another rotation around the sun completed
This weekend sees me trying to solve some of the hardest challenges of my adulthood
This weekend sees me reluctant to do any celebrating
Forty-six
Forty-six years of joys and heartaches
Of tryings and learnings
Of experimentation and exploration
I think on the six year old me
The sixteen year old me
The twenty-six year old me
The thirty-six year old me
Each of these stages of my life reflect a different person than I am now
Softer, more optimistic, more naive and innocent versions of me
I am grateful for all of my experiences as they have shaped me
They have forged me in fire and tempered me in ice water
My scars and wounds show that I have lived and loved
They show that I have tried and failed and gotten back up
I am graced to have the gift of experience and perspective
For you can only obtain these gifts by living
Although I may not be bathing in the contentment I dreamed I'd have at this age
The journey is not over
There are more tales to be lived and pages to be written
More love to be given and received
Everyday that the sun rises, there is hope to create the narrative I want for myself
Being an adult is scary and contrary to popular belief
No one knows what they are doing
We're all just making it up as we go along
And trying to learn from those who have already been there
There's no getting it right
Only doing our best at every step we're able to take
So here's to forty-six
May dreams manifest
May peace prevail
May I continue to grow, and love, and learn in all things I do
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 