Curiosity

I choose to approach the world with curiosity instead of cynicism.
Open-mindedness leaves room for expansive thinking and more positive-feeling experiences.
-gws

Sweet Water

Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child
Come, let Her waters wash over thee
Come, let them cleanse thy soul
Let the sweet waters renew and restore thee

Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child
Come, release thy sorrowful tears to Her
Come, let the waters soothe the scars on your skin
Let the sweet waters bare away thy hurt and pain

Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child
Come, cool thy weary feet at Her banks
Come, drink from Her cold springs
Let the sweet waters refresh and rejuvenate thy body and spirit

Come, thee, to the sweet waters, Child
Come, lay down thy burdens in Her currents
Come, relinquish thy distresses to Her care
Let the sweet waters carry away thy worries to leave thee only peace

-gws

Numb

I am a shorted circuit
Blown out and useless
Pushed beyond my capacity to function
Unable to manifest an ounce of energy
Burnt ozone the only proof
That I blazed bright
Before I met my limit
And succumbed completely 
To my efforts to keep the lights on
Forever numb

-gws

My Own Happy

Just for today, I will be the someone who makes me happy.

-gws

Still Raging and Wild

"You are kind and show such grace."
Thanks, but my self control does not erase
That I'll still punch you in the face

I practice gratitude
To alter my attitude
And manage the triggers that ruin my mood

So just because I choose to invoke
A gag order upon my own throat
Know that I am no joke

You will find my manner is mild
But don't get it twisted, Child
I am still raging and wild

-gws

Roller Coaster Healing

It is said healing is not linear.  My healing journey must be the most intense roller coaster ever constructed.
-gws

When the Pain is Greater

"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."

"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."

Every time your resentments flow like tidal waves
I drown in a truth that is brighter than the sun
You didn’t want this life
You didn’t want me

You thought by choosing me you were…
...making right on the injuries you inflicted
...picking the girl who would be steady and sure
...thumbing your nose at your conservative parents
...proving something to your sisters
...doing what was expected of you by your family and society
...doing what you expected of yourself

You might have loved me once
But you don’t know how to love yourself
And unless you can love yourself
You cannot love anyone else
And we all suffer
You
Me
The kids
In trying to manifest some imagined expectation you believe the world burdened you with
You have doomed us to a hollow, lonely existence

In the darkest moments, I sometimes wish you had never come back
After you walked away all those years ago
I sometimes think the man I fell in love with never returned
You went out for bread and just never came back
Only your demons returned wearing your face

Time has not been kind to us
Nor has it bred kindness in us
Though I think I really tried
But the steel in your eye and the edge in your voice
As you lay down my assigned crimes in a quiet growl
Eviscerates me over and over for
The crimes of a world that doesn't adhere to your desires 

It hurts to love you
And I don’t know if I have it in me to continue to try
I am drinking sand in the desert for lack of water
And I am withering inside
So just admit that I am not what you wanted
I am what you thought you should have
A requirement on the test of Life
That allowed you to check the box of successful adulthood

"Hurt people, hurt people," I've heard it said
You are a drowning man who is blindly flailing
Endangering or scaring off those who might help
I accept your life's injury and pain
But I do not accept responsibility for it
And I cannot continue to endure your wrath to heal you

"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."

"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."

-gws

I still need…

Do you see me?
I’m here!
Over here!
Please look my way.
Right now, if you will.
I need to be seen.
Am I loud enough?
Am I bouncy enough?
Am I doing enough to draw you into me?
I need to be reminded I am important to someone.
To you.
Right now.
My inner child is screaming for recognition.
Just acknowledge me and I promise I will relax.
That feels good.
Thank you.
Wait.
How about a little more?
Wait, don’t go back to what you were doing.
I still crave your attention.
I still am desperate for validation.
I still need.
I still need.
I still need…
 -gws

What do you do?

What do you do when you're bone-weary
When your soul is exhausted and all you want to do is cry
What do you do when you reflect on where you are 
And you just can't quite understand how the hell you got there
What do you do when no choice seems like a good one
When all your efforts feel like they still end in defeat
What do you do when you feel like it's time to give up
But you're sure your gut is still saying, "just a little longer"
What do you do when you don't think you have more to give
When you don't think you have it in you to keep finding a path through
What do you do when all you know is fight
But all you want is peace
What do you do when you don't know what to do

-gws

The Castaway

He washed up on my shores
Broken and ravaged
I offered water and bread
I offered a place at my fire
He attended with gratitude
And we became friends
But the dark water festered
Shadowing his eyes
Corrupting his heart
And no love or attendance from me could cure him
He had to cure himself
I tended the fire and fed his body
And held vigil while he fought for his soul

-gws