When we leave a toxic relationship
self-doubt and second guessing prevent us
From locking the door behind us
We wonder if we’ve made the right choice
We wonder if we’ve made a mistake
If your freedom feels like liberation
You have made the right choice
For your long term wellbeing
It’s time to lock that door
-gws
My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities
Slow to emerge from the long shadows
And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear
I begin to wonder what awaits me
Who awaits me
The question nauseates me
I'm not ready to open my heart
Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon
And yet I find myself wondering
Will there be another
My heart fearfully whispering,
"Will I get a second chance?"
I'm not ready to fall in love again
I am only longing for the magic of falling
The elation that comes from feeling seen
Feeling chosen
Because all I wanted for so long
Was to feel chosen
To be enough
I am working to remember how to love me
How to be enough for myself
How to appreciate my perfect imperfections
How to forgive the choices I made to survive
I must become reacquainted with me
My future is tabula rasa
Full of possibilities
Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live
And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured
I embrace my next chapter gratefully
Even as my knees quake with each step forward
My blank slate has its first word: freedom
Its second word: peace
I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start
-gws
I am no longer funding
The luxury of familiarity
It has cost me too much
And offered questionable ROI
I am only entertaining thoughtful investment
In quality platonic companionship
For those interested in applying
Limited applications are being accepted
A nonrefundable fee will be assessed
And a thorough background check performed
I reserve the right to cancel the requisition at any time
And invest in my own peace instead
-gws
I have coated my boundaries in sacred salt
Saged the walls of my mind
Served healing teas to my soul
Soaked my dreams in moon water
Calmed my spirits with lavender sachets
I have removed the “welcome” mat from my doorstep
Hung a horseshoe above my threshold
Covered my aura in layers of steel
Cut the cord with silver shears
All to reclaim myself from you
-gws
I so want to trust what you say
But you believe what you concoct
Making your lies into
A convincing-sounding truth
-gws
Remember how it was before
When I confidently walked through my life
Believing in a future full of infinite possibilities
Idealistic and self-possessed
Inspired and free to manifest the life I desired
Never apologizing for the joyousness of my nature
Never apologizing for my independence and adventurousness
Never apologizing
Such a contrast with who I would embody for too long
Cowed and questing to find the right key
That would unlock your love for the me I was before
The me that I thought you cherished
The me that was once upon a time enough
I remember how it was before
I am on a journey back to myself
The version of me that resembles the echos of my unscarred self
Together we will offer an apology to the me that was before
A reclamation of what I thought was lost
And I will be a wonder again
-gws
She’s not beautiful
She’s a bloodied beast
A bold, brassy, badass
Bravely battling brash bandits
Bone-weary from the bullshit
Burdened and burnt out
Building a budding new self
Walking away from brutality
Becoming balanced
Banishing bad habits from her bones
Barefoot upon the earth and beaming
Beginning a brand new bountiful life
-gws
The mostly dead tendrils of my heart want so badly to reach toward you, like water, when you say you miss me
They forget you are the drought that caused them to lie shriveled and desolate in the first place
I must always remind them of that
-gws
The road to healing
Is long and winding
I must follow it
One step
One breath
At a time
-gws
Inside her dreaming, I see her
Hurting
Lost
Grieving
Bags beneath her eyes from haunted or missing sleep
Furrowed brows from innumerable worries
Her will shaken and unsure
I know her well for she is me
Me ensconced in endings and beginnings
Me inelegantly navigating transition
The magic of dreaming grants me this opportunity
I approach her
My hair more silvered
My face more textured
My heart glowing warm with a joy for living
That felt so unreachable then
"Hello," I say
She composes herself and silently greets me in return
"I hope you don't mind, you look like you could use a friend."
She inhales unsteadily and motions for me to sit
We look out at the passing world
Quiet for an indistinguishable amount of time
"It will not always feel this way," I say
I take her hand in mine
She does not resist
"Do you remember when your children were babies?"
She nods slowly
Eyes unfocused as she touches the memories
"Do you remember the nights that felt so long?
The marathon of survival that was three babies under three?"
She nods again with a slight smile
Alighting at the corner of her lips as she remembers
"It felt like forever until you one day realized
You could sleep through the night.
You could establish routines.
You could start making time for yourself
In bigger and bigger doses."
She exhales
Her shoulders lowering a bit
"This journey is just like that one.
Unpredictable and exhausting.
Endless in the moment.
Overwhelming."
She looks at her hand in mine and nods
I wrap my other around our clasped hands
"This will not last forever.
You will find your way off your knees
As the weight of this slowly lifts from you.
You will relinquish your worry.
Your grief will fade to make room for joy.
You will learn to trust yourself again.
You will learn to trust others again.
Do not get too lost in your sadness.
Navigate moments of laughter and lightness
Like stepping stones amongst the mud.
Let them light up your eyes and relax your shoulders.
Let them propel you through your days
Until you are no longer keeping track of days.
Just like those early times in motherhood
You will awaken to find yourself on the other side.
Changed.
Renewed.
Rebuilt.
Ready to welcome joy and love and freedom willingly.
The fog and pain will clear as passing storms do.
This I can promise you."
She looks up into my face
Eyes searching mine as I smile and squeeze her hand
I watch as a tiny light returns to her tear-filled eyes
"How do you know?" she whispers
I pull her hand to my heart.
"Because I have seen you do it.
I have witnessed you rise from these ashes.
I know how powerful and radiant you will emerge."
As dreams do when truth is revealed
The edges of this world begin to dissolve like chalk in rain
The light of recognition begins to glow in her eyes
As I release her hand and stand
I step in amongst the other passersby of her dreamscape
My message conveyed
My job done
A voice from her future left to linger in her dreaming
Placing a north star in the sky of her darkest night
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 