I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
My demons tell me I’m not enough They rake burning shame across my skin Hiss monologues of self-doubt In the echo chamber of my ringing ears They use your voice Never silent And they laugh At the cleverness of their torture
I don't feel well today Reverberating echos of broken dreams Aching pervasive guilt Persistent pointless hope That will not stay snuffed out Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today The sun still rose in a misty pink sky The flowers are blooming and busy with bees Birds sing songs of spring awakening Amongst the newly sprouted leaves Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today Warm afternoon sunlight dries tears That slip from beneath my sunglasses The world assaults my senses Too loud, bright, fast Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today I am told that time heals That I'm doing the right things That I didn't cause it I can't control or cure it Nothing is wrong And I hurt just the same
How many times do I have to snuff out the candle of hope in my chest because my heart refuses to accept that you are incapable of being who I need you to be?
I have worn my tear stains like war paint The flush of agony, despair, and rage, too I have unleashed keening so potent The gods stopped to answer With a path to deliverance
How did it feel when I was finally arrested? Did it bring you glee to know I was handcuffed and taken away? Were you happy your long standing desire was finally fulfilled? Were you satisfied with yourself? Did you celebrate? Did you pat yourself on the back triumphantly? Did you rejoice knowing I was forced into the company of actual criminals? Did it make you giddy to know I experienced the humiliation of being strip searched? Were you finally satisfied to get the mother of your children arrested? Was it all you hoped for?
Who does that? Who plots plans premediates such things? Who bates and berates? Who starts a fire and fans the flames? Who then pretends that they didn't create the inferno? Who has no remorse? Who shows love like that? Who did I marry? How soon can I be free?
Words Wishes and Wisdom 