Where did you go? Are you warm? Are you cold? Is there weather there? Where did you go? Was it hard to get there? Do you miss what you left behind? Where did you go? Were you scared to go? Can you come back to visit? Have you tried? Do you miss me? Where did you go when you left me here to wonder? Where did you go when you escaped your failing prison on a single fragile breath? Where did you go? Because I want you to come back. -gws
I am on my knees Breathless from the radiance in my chest My cheeks are streaked with tears of humility and appreciation And I am humbled by the grace shown to me by those who know me And some who don't I never realized how hard it is to ask for help until I needed to do it Until I put down pride, removed my gauntlets, and stepped aside Vulnerable and scared And let people see I needed them And they showed up They offered in ways I never could have imagined With selfless generosity soaked thoroughly in their love Concerned about my well being and success And not returns and reciprocation It's difficult not to feel like I need to do something Say something Offer something more than gratitude in return So I come here to this blank page to release my love To try to give voice to my gratitude in a sorely inadequate way In an attempt to say, Thank you, to everyone Thank you so much -gws
I sit in the prison of your anxiety
The ever-moving labyrinth of mood and emotion
Worry and fear
Shame and anger
Afraid to disturb the shadows or sigh too deeply
In case my breath causes you to erupt
I fear drawing your attention by moving too quickly
Like drawing the attention of immortal beings in fairy tales
If I run, it will draw your ire
If I sit silently, you might forget I'm here
And never turn your flaming eyes in my direction
I hide when you seek me
I cannot heal or help
I cannot hold you up
Your fear and anger sharpen your tongue to a razor's edge
And I have scars upon scars
There is no reason in your mental prison
Rational thought cannot survive there
Though I love you, I cannot survive here
Amongst the rage and blame and shame and fear
I cannot be your comfort and your enemy
I cannot continue to be torn by your dichotomy
You may be fractured, but I wish to be whole
When the dawn comes, I will choose me
And leave the dark to you
-gws
My word for the new year is "joy" This is not a word I feel in my bones right now The feel of it in my mouth is foreign I cannot swallow it because it catches in my throat But it doesn't want to crawl back out It wants to be consumed so it can plant itself inside of me It wants to grow and flourish like a flowering vine Wrapping itself around my heart and soul And pulling me out of fear and despair Joy wishes to drop its seeds into my darkness like a lotus Where they can take root and bloom within my disturbance Transforming my world from muddy hopelessness Into vibrant newness and luminous hope -gws
She was wild Divinely corralled Pulsing with wind chasing through wild grasses Bubbling icy streams and Hummingbird wings All kinetic energy and joy for existing -gws
May I always dance to windsong with bare feet pounding cool Earth Exalting life with every reverberation through my being -gws
I am sacred. My vessel is beautiful. I shall embrace these truths as prayer. -gws
I took a walk under warm October skies. Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field. As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch. She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy. She smiled back in acknowledgement. But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing. I never got to be excited about getting married. Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun. Another discovery. Another confrontation. Another meltdown. Another confession. Another betrayal. Another, "I'm sorry." Another. Another. Another... Stolen joy. Disappointment. Hurt. Reassessment. Promise. Betrayal. Apology... I envied that woman's excitement. More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness. I knew neither. I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different. I wondered if it should have been different. I wondered if it should be different. I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be. -gws
Sitting deep in my resentments Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow Of dreams eviscerated Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant Of a vision shattered and danced upon As if it was the wicked witch’s grave Years of work wiped away Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day -gws
There is a place deep within me where I go when the world is too much In that place sounds are muffled Light is dimmed All of the harshness that is too overwhelming is dampened down and pushed away When I arrive in that place, I am already so weary and worn I'm struggling to breathe Struggling to cope Struggling to not give in to the crushing pressure of life No one can reach me there, not really In that dark and quiet place I am safe to process my feelings Safe to release the pressure valve on my emotions Safe to feel exactly what I feel without worry of judgment or contempt Sometimes I wish I could just stay there But I'm a mother and a wife and an employee The real world doesn't stop spinning Responsibilities do not stop needing attention Children do not stop needing guidance and love Husbands do not take leave of their expectations for what a wife should be doing Employers do not stop expecting you to show up and be productive So in that shelter I do my best to let go of what I can To surrender to the sorrows, the tears, the fears, the doubts, the broken dreams, the disappointments I let it all flow out like water into this grotto Hopefully to be cleansed And by releasing these things I pray to be renewed enough to keep going Even as my knees shake and my back aches and my voice quivers And the tears flow I pick myself up Straighten my battered crown Wipe the tear tracks from my cheeks And reapply the mask as I chant a prayer begging for serenity And step back into the bright, loud, ever demanding world again -gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 