Yesterday I saw a friend for the first time in a long time. Although it hadn't been terribly long, a lot of life happened for both of us since I last saw them. We hugged each other fiercely, as if quenching a long neglected thirst. The power of the moment, the energy and emotion that flew across the room and into my unknowingly needful arms was surprisingly welcome. Everything stopped for a few heartbeats as we existed in the silent contentment of a deeply longed for and comforting embrace. They are kindred. Family. Precious to me in ways I have no need to explain. Being with them is like sipping sweet water for my soul. Time together is always precious and seems never long enough. I look forward to the next visit together.
-gws
Where did you go?
Are you warm?
Are you cold?
Is there weather there?
Where did you go?
Was it hard to get there?
Do you miss what you left behind?
Where did you go?
Were you scared to go?
Can you come back to visit?
Have you tried?
Do you miss me?
Where did you go
when you left me here to wonder?
Where did you go
when you escaped your failing prison on a single fragile breath?
Where did you go?
Because I want you to come back.
-gws
I am on my knees
Breathless from the radiance in my chest
My cheeks are streaked with tears of humility and appreciation
And I am humbled by the grace shown to me by those who know me
And some who don't
I never realized how hard it is to ask for help until I needed to do it
Until I put down pride, removed my gauntlets, and stepped aside
Vulnerable and scared
And let people see I needed them
And they showed up
They offered in ways I never could have imagined
With selfless generosity soaked thoroughly in their love
Concerned about my well being and success
And not returns and reciprocation
It's difficult not to feel like I need to do something
Say something
Offer something more than gratitude in return
So I come here to this blank page to release my love
To try to give voice to my gratitude in a sorely inadequate way
In an attempt to say, Thank you, to everyone
Thank you so much
-gws
I sit in the prison of your anxiety The ever-moving labyrinth of mood and emotion Worry and fear Shame and anger Afraid to disturb the shadows or sigh too deeply In case my breath causes you to erupt I fear drawing your attention by moving too quickly Like drawing the attention of immortal beings in fairy tales If I run, it will draw your ire If I sit silently, you might forget I'm here And never turn your flaming eyes in my direction I hide when you seek me I cannot heal or help I cannot hold you up Your fear and anger sharpen your tongue to a razor's edge And I have scars upon scars There is no reason in your mental prison Rational thought cannot survive there Though I love you, I cannot survive here Amongst the rage and blame and shame and fear I cannot be your comfort and your enemy I cannot continue to be torn by your dichotomy You may be fractured, but I wish to be whole When the dawn comes, I will choose me And leave the dark to you
My word for the new year is "joy"
This is not a word I feel in my bones right now
The feel of it in my mouth is foreign
I cannot swallow it because it catches in my throat
But it doesn't want to crawl back out
It wants to be consumed so it can plant itself inside of me
It wants to grow and flourish like a flowering vine
Wrapping itself around my heart and soul
And pulling me out of fear and despair
Joy wishes to drop its seeds into my darkness like a lotus
Where they can take root and bloom within my disturbance
Transforming my world from muddy hopelessness
Into vibrant newness and luminous hope
-gws
She was wild
Divinely corralled
Pulsing with wind chasing through wild grasses
Bubbling icy streams and
Hummingbird wings
All kinetic energy and joy for existing
-gws
I took a walk under warm October skies. Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field. As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch. She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy. She smiled back in acknowledgement.
But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing. I never got to be excited about getting married. Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun. Another discovery. Another confrontation. Another meltdown. Another confession. Another betrayal. Another, "I'm sorry." Another. Another. Another... Stolen joy. Disappointment. Hurt. Reassessment. Promise. Betrayal. Apology...
I envied that woman's excitement. More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness. I knew neither.
I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different. I wondered if it should have been different. I wondered if it should be different. I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be.
-gws
Sitting deep in my resentments
Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow
Of dreams eviscerated
Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant
Of a vision shattered and danced upon
As if it was the wicked witch’s grave
Years of work wiped away
Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful
Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day
-gws
