My demons tell me I’m not enough They rake burning shame across my skin Hiss monologues of self-doubt In the echo chamber of my ringing ears They use your voice Never silent And they laugh At the cleverness of their torture
There are days I’m not ok Or hours Or minutes Or breaths The doubt suffocating Grief a scream locked deep in my chest I am reminded I am making the right choices Shown proof of it again and again Did you know the right things can Sometimes feel so terribly wrong
Sometimes the fear rises The paralyzing fear of all the ugliness I so desperately seek freedom from You never believe you’re conditioned To feel you deserve abuse until you are Until your stomach drops as the energy changes And your breathing quickens And you start calculating how bad their rage will be this time
Words bruise so much worse than fists The self doubt stripping your confidence The gaslighting destabilizing reality despite Your inner voice calling out the lies in all of it Knowing that there is no defense when you Are forced to wear the badge of victimizer Despite being the real victim Because it makes them feel powerful and justified Emotional abuse is a mind fuck of the worst degree And some people make a career of the art of it
In this breath This minute This hour This day I am not ok They say I will be someday
Inelegant and rough hewn Invisible to all but me Oppressive and injurious This prison of grief and fear Holds me fast Arrested The key to joy held tight in my hand I wait for the guard to look away So I can fly free
I regret to inform you That the reality you subscribe to Is currently offline As reality has no power switch There is no way to reset the system Please accept my apologies For the extreme inconvenience Such is the risk of sentient life I never promised you life would be easy
Please forgive my silence It is not easy to converse When I don't have much to say Not for want of company But for lack of breath to speak I have been gasping lately In pain In tears In prayer Gasping for air in a chest too tight On days when getting up takes All my might All my fight Please forgive my silence My burdens are so much to bare I hold myself too tightly wound For fear of shaking into pieces And if I set my voice free I worry what will become of me
Words Wishes and Wisdom 