For days I've been thinking about your birthday About how I've not been able to be available for all of your calls lately How I was going to send you a present Or FaceTime you and hope you'd be able to pick up the call I was trying to figure out how to annoy you on your birthday Since I couldn't blow up your phone with 49 gifs I was still thinking these thoughts when your mom called When I saw the black screen with the white letters that read "Mrs. Young"
It was a type of deja vu Like that call two autumns ago The one out of the blue that informed me You had a catastrophic stroke A bitter and belated present for your 47th birthday I answered this call, like the last, to your mom's calm and sweet voice The one with business in its foundation Like before, she lead with pleasantries as she likes to do And I braced Then came what I dreaded "I have news. I have sad news." And the world stopped turning for those seconds "My son is gone." My friend was gone YOU were gone Just... No longer here
You slipped your tether and escaped this life For as much as I wanted you to be free To not be in a body that had betrayed you To not be struggling with everyday living I believed in you I believed you would fight your way to better I held no illusions that you would be fully restored But you would find a new normal and thrive And we'd laugh at stupid things Debate Star Trek canon And talk about how you would move here or there How you would be an engineer, mathematician, animator We would talk about esoteric ideas We would reminisce on the potential of our childhoods And the disappointments of our adulthoods And how the next chapters would be what we wanted them to be
We were suppose to cheer each other on You were supposed to see your namesake grow into a man with his brothers You were supposed to celebrate with me when I finalized my divorce You were supposed to come visit my new home You were supposed to be here Forgive me that I do not find any solace in knowing you will still do those things That you will laugh with me and stand by me I know I should be grateful for the extra time of the last 2 years For the broken reconnection we were able to have But it wasn't nearly enough And now I don't know what to do Or how to feel And all I can do is write this stupid poem Because I cannot hear your excited giggle anymore Because I cannot tell you happy birthday
We met during what was arguably the greatest year in music: 1984 I feel like the radio has gone terribly silent 41 years later But you have the last laugh That ridiculous song from a mid-90s summer won't get out of my head Ron C's Dookie Booty That absolutely terrible song you blasted in your way-too-hot Jetta As we rode down El Camino Real on the way to Lee's Comics You bought the core book for Vampire the Masquerade that day We laughed at how your parents would likely hate that book And we laughed every time you'd replay that dumb ass song
This poem is as chaotic and messy as my heart I am grateful for your release and I am mad as hell I understand nothing in this wrongness of your death That word feels like sandpaper on my soul in reference to you I love you I'm sorry that I couldn't love you they way you so badly wanted You better say hello but remember I don't do ghosts or disembodied voices I instead do dreams and symbols and knowings
I wanted to write odes to my friends while they were still here I write this ode for you because I just don't know what else to do Because feelings are too big And words are too insignificant But they are all I have None of this feels fair All I know is the world is so still without you Without the sound of your voice answering my "Happy Birthday"
You finally let your mask slip And with it crumbled the dam I built for you Made of guilt and grief and pity You tore it all down with four texts Relieved me of the strain of false responsibility By revealing your true and malignant self Through the dust and dirt I finally knew what freedom felt like As the stones tumbled away and the air cleared I could finally see you sharply I knew in that moment I had done the right things A rumble began to rise As the rage began to ascend Suppressed beneath my compassion for you Barricaded by empathy your didn't deserve
Now the pain and hurt and grief and rage I held back for this last year Ices my skin Darkens my eyes Eliminates my capacity for compassion And awakens the tactician's skills The quiet, calculated, dark, divine feminine Is finally assuming her throne within me
Welcome to my healing era No fucks are given here anymore
I want abundance Ease I want to vanquish the sense of lack Back to the emptiness that birthed it I want joy as plentiful as pollen in spring Worry to become a dirty word I want art and literature and poetry And dancing to the music of my heart Easy mornings and quiet evenings My children's laughter endlessly echoing Against walls papered in their smiles I want a life where dreams thrive Where tears fall as frequently As summer rain in California I want more than wanting I demand this I plant these desires into the world's fertile soil Water these seeds with whispers of manifestation I no longer seek permission to light my hearth I am a sun I set the world alight with my mere being I do not seek permission for the life I want I am here Now Already permitted Already reaping the blessings of the world Worthy of all the good since birth A miracle amongst miracles And today I claim my place
You cannot see me but you can never forget I'm here I'm etched upon your existence like a tattoo I am a scar carved into your soul A memory of a war waged and survived You have learned to live with me Learned to navigate the taught tenderness of my edges I ache when you rain I pull when you venture too close to familiar flames You don't notice me much anymore You've managed to balm my wound well enough For time and distance to allow me to heal But I will never be gone I will always be the quiet reminder of lessons learned When I ache you remember There was once a grievous hurt that ripped you open You remember you have survived One hundred percent of your bad days You remember you know how to heal
I spent too much time curled into myself in the dark Screaming into nothingness "Please SEE me!" Staring at my own reflection Struggling to be my own witness Watering my seeds of worthiness With bitter, hopeless tears Whispering "You matter" at soulless silvered glass While my hollow reflection stared blankly back Unmoved
I was looking for the focus of the blind Begging for the acknowledgment of Narcissus Looking for shelter under a tree that offered no shade Trapped in a circle of salt crusting my eyes Unable to find a patch of sunlight in winter Shackled starving sacrifice Ignorant I held the key in my hand To the shackles I forged and fitted myself
When I was thoroughly cried out Starved so long I felt sated I chipped away the concretion obscuring my vision To discover I was surrounded by pinpoints of light Lanterns bobbing at the edges of my shadows I turned the key and let the shackles fall away Pressed my fingers to the tally marks I carved in the leafless tree And crawled toward those hopeful orbs As I got closer they began to coalesce Becoming a chorus of light
From that light came strong and gentle hands Lifting me to my feet Embracing me Murmuring words of love and encouragement Safety and serenity Pride and comfort They fed and watered me Cared for me tenderly And reminded me how to do the same for myself They shined their warm light upon me They sang and celebrated me
These poems are a journey That began in the light of hope and love Then slowly meandered through increasing darkness They dare to expose the skeletons and demons Barely hidden behind my front door for too long The narration begins in the middle After darkness had well fallen And documents my struggle to breathe My desperate journey to find myself again
And for those who live with horrors who wear human faces If I found my way free I know you can too Let these poems serve as proof That though it is not easy Freedom can be won You can take your life back Write the story exactly as YOU wish it to be
Sometimes the dragon burns down the world As long as you’re standing No matter how wounded You can slay that dragon You ARE the hero of your story YOU get to say when the story is over YOU get to decide how the new book starts YOU get to do whatever the hell YOU want Take my story and forge it into your sword of courage SLAY
To any who my words reach In a time and place I will never see I hope the world is kind And if such things as kindness Still prove fleeting I charge you with performing Defiant acts of kindness That your efforts might fall Like seeds upon fallow fields And grow like wildflowers In the hearts of those you touch
Oh it's you I knew you might find me again one day Minding my business Unaware and defenseless I knew you might show up on my doorstep Inviting the resurrection of my long disused heart I thought we had an agreement An understanding, perhaps You see, I have no desire to let you settle here again The soil in which I am planted is not good for your roots You salted it well long ago Do you really not remember because I still do And yet here you are Bags in hand asking if you can stay a while Looking at me with familiar enticement Dressed up in pheromones and endorphins With all the charisma of a red carpet return I have not forgotten how fickle you are How you overstayed your welcome How you left me heartbroken I don't trust you You're too good at feeling good I forget too easily how you are besties with misery Stop looking at me with eyes that want to know me Stop looking at me with eyes that want Stop attempting to pull me into your gravity I do not trust I can break free again I don't want to have to break free again Don't you understand you are not safe for me Don't you understand I need to feel safe I do not trust myself in your presence I am scared, you see You see, I am scarred So very scared So very scarred The last time I let you stay Nearly dismantled me So no Do not leave one speck of dirt on my doormat I beg you to to forget where I live I do not want your false promises I do not want you to be seen by you Your attention has cost me too much And I'm still in debt for it
Words Wishes and Wisdom 