I'm a NorCal mom working tech, raising young children, navigating marriage and divorce, life, work, and the emotions around it all. This blog grew out of my IG account where I share poetry, prose, and other posts that I hope speak to the soul. This blog primarily features my poetic musings and other writing. I hope you find something that speaks to you while you're here.
I've told you a thousand times I hate your demands of my body You've shown me a thousand and one times you don't give a shit I've swallowed a thousand silent screams of frustration I've cried a thousand silent tears of rage I've counted a thousand agonizing seconds waiting For the understanding to etch across your face That OUR relationship is more than just YOUR needs But it never manifests A thousand and one times this exchange plays out Like ghosts caught in the temporal fly paper of their last moments I can't even pretend I'm okay anymore I will not arrange my face into a mask of acceptance I will, instead, blank my face and retreat into my mind Counting a thousand heartbeats enduring the unwanted attention Disguised as affection that is really an affliction upon my person One would think that a girl who looks like me should be grateful That a boy who looks like you is so obsessed with a body like mine I will admit that some part of me is flattered That my thousand fat cells bear your label: SEXY But when the package is more valued than the contents It feels like a thousand Christmases where the kids Like the boxes better than the presents I agonized over choosing I have identified a thousand random shapes in the ceiling paint I have taken a thousand calming breaths While screaming a thousand times in my mind STOP TOUCHING ME It is a thousand moments of madness When I want a thousand and one moments Seeking my enthusiastic consent Instead I endure a thousand days Until the thousand is down to one
If you miss me When you miss me Fill the emptiness with music and dancing I call on the photographers, poets, dancers, writers, creators, dreamers I have left a hole in this world to fill and it's up to you to fill it My light may be extinguished But the spark remains And I pass it on to you To light the darkness with creation
If you miss me When you miss me Create boldly Sing loudly Dance joyfully Write prolifically Daydream often
If you miss me When you miss me Cook your favorite meal Watch your favorite movie Make a date with friends Buy a new pen and notebook Wish on the biggest fluffy dandelions you can find
If you miss me When you miss me Live a stereophonic life Make everyday a symphony full of Crescendos and decrescendos Adagios to allegros and back again And let it into your bones The achingly beautiful and the triumphantly bold For this is how life is Textured, varied, colorful and subdued
If you miss me When you miss me Remember to laugh often Speak your truth honestly, but kindly Live authentically Love fiercely Be the spark of magic and madness the world needs
If you miss me When you miss me Do the things that bring you contentment Enjoy them without the burden of guilt Life is meant to be experienced And I wish you a lifetime of fulfilling experiences
If you miss me When you miss me Make a wish on a star Write me a letter Hug someone you love Surround yourself with love Walk through the world with love And compassion And empathy
If you miss me When you miss me Know that I miss you too I will never be far from you Ready to celebrate you Support you Comfort you Love you From wherever I am
If you miss me When you miss me Read this poem And know I miss you too
On the night I was arrested Our argument ended when You called me a "Fat. Lazy. Black. Bitch." Our children heard you I heard you I couldn't believe you said it But I heard you The words hung in the air like poison Choking the tears in my eyes Choking the rage in my throat Time stopped Suspended by shock Each painfully silent moment Accompanied by the roaring blood Rushing like a raging river in my ears As I stood in the kitchen Eyes wide and mouth open Speechless Everything suddenly clear As I stared at you in utter disbelief It was over It had been over And with that final insult Those four ugly adjectives It became unmistakably understood I was done
Your aggravated aggressive agitations Make alarm bells clang in my body Danger! Danger! Hide! As my stomach churns And my blood pressure rises I'm exhausted from near-constant hypervigilance You may not be angry at me I may not be the cause But I'm in the blast radius I'm in the radiation zone Perfect collateral damage Victim of your salted earth strategy Or perhaps your target practice I am not your Linus blanket I am not your heavy bag But you would have me be those things Often in rapid succession Leaving my nerves discordantly vibrating beneath my skin
It was a harrowing time for my kind. All we were trying to do was provide food and shelter for our offspring. We would hunt at night. Afraid of the light. Afraid of being seen. Afraid of the death that was sure to come if we were caught. We learned to be fast, but once you were caught, being fast was often not enough.
Our enemy was merciless. They were far fewer in number, but they had superior weaponry. They knew how to set traps for us, and worst of all, they employed the use of chemical agents. A brutal chemical assault devastated our community. It was an all-out extermination. Only those of us with the most protected hiding places survived. My ancestors were some of the lucky few.
Generations were devastated. Food supplies were unreliable as the chemicals contaminated nearly everything we had. We didn’t know what was safe and what wasn’t, and there were many times we had to take our chances and await the results. The truly desperate were often unwitting sacrifices as they ate what they could without concern for the result, figuring that they would die one way of the other so a chance to live until tomorrow was worth the risk of dying today. The days and nights were never void of the screams of the dying.
The time came for me to have my own offspring. Many of my brood were felled by the environmental toxins our enemies spread across the landscape like mines. The stores my ancestors left were exhausted and I could avoid going to hunt no longer. My remaining offspring needed to be fed. I needed to feed.
I waited until the darkest hours. The enemy’s camp was silent and still. There was no better time to take the chance at hunting. I stayed low to the ground and close to cover. I needed to know I could retreat to cover. As I explored the edge of our encampment, I saw a miracle. It was a white canopy of some kind that ranged from the encampment’s edge out into the badlands. We tried to avoid the badlands at all costs. It was too vast and too exposed to risk at any time. Cover meant survival.
I set forth to explore this structure. There was no lore about such a thing. Perhaps it was new. Perhaps more recent generations didn’t have a chance to share this discovery because of the war. Fewer and fewer returned from hunting these days. I saw another of my kind, younger and bolder than I. I watch this cousin move beneath and within this construct. After a considerable amount of time observing, I decided that the risk was minimal and approached the structure with hopes of a swift, rewarding hunt and swift retreat.
Almost as soon as I had entered the foreign space, blinding light flared. I froze as did the other of my kind. The structure disoriented me. I didn’t know which way safety lay in. I could only hold still and hope that the Great Dark would save me. Suddenly, the construct rose up. My kin and I scattered. Terror blinded me as much as the light did. All I could do was run in a chaotic pattern as fast as I could. Where was home? Where was the dark? Something splashed onto my back. It smelled of lemongrass, and immediately struck terror into my being. This is what some of our dying smelled like. I was having more difficulty making my body move where I wanted it to go. More fluid splashed down on me. My kin had already fallen on her back, the death throws underway. If I could only find the dark. I knew I didn’t have much time left, but at least I could die in my beautiful dark. I fell onto my back. I knew there was nothing else for me then. I would not be getting back up. And no one would know my story.
Please forgive my silence It is not easy to converse When I don't have much to say Not for want of company But for lack of breath to speak I have been gasping lately In pain In tears In prayer Gasping for air in a chest too tight On days when getting up takes All my might All my fight Please forgive my silence My burdens are so much to bare I hold myself too tightly wound For fear of shaking into pieces And if I set my voice free I worry what will become of me
Sometimes when I lay down my head All tucked up tight upon my bed I drift and float and start to dream Cascades of words just like a stream I wonder at this gift of mine Delighted I can dream in rhyme No two dreams are quite the same My poet's mind did birth this game Though rhyming dreams are often fun It's time to call this poem done.