I'm a NorCal mom working tech, raising young children, navigating marriage and divorce, life, work, and the emotions around it all. This blog grew out of my IG account where I share poetry, prose, and other posts that I hope speak to the soul. This blog primarily features my poetic musings and other writing. I hope you find something that speaks to you while you're here.
On the night I was arrested Our argument ended when You called me a "Fat. Lazy. Black. Bitch." Our children heard you I heard you I couldn't believe you said it But I heard you The words hung in the air like poison Choking the tears in my eyes Choking the rage in my throat Time stopped Suspended by shock Each painfully silent moment Accompanied by the roaring blood Rushing like a raging river in my ears As I stood in the kitchen Eyes wide and mouth open Speechless Everything suddenly clear As I stared at you in utter disbelief It was over It had been over And with that final insult Those four ugly adjectives It became unmistakably understood I was done
Your aggravated aggressive agitations Make alarm bells clang in my body Danger! Danger! Hide! As my stomach churns And my blood pressure rises I'm exhausted from near-constant hypervigilance You may not be angry at me I may not be the cause But I'm in the blast radius I'm in the radiation zone Perfect collateral damage Victim of your salted earth strategy Or perhaps your target practice I am not your Linus blanket I am not your heavy bag But you would have me be those things Often in rapid succession Leaving my nerves discordantly vibrating beneath my skin
It was a harrowing time for my kind. All we were trying to do was provide food and shelter for our offspring. We would hunt at night. Afraid of the light. Afraid of being seen. Afraid of the death that was sure to come if we were caught. We learned to be fast, but once you were caught, being fast was often not enough.
Our enemy was merciless. They were far fewer in number, but they had superior weaponry. They knew how to set traps for us, and worst of all, they employed the use of chemical agents. A brutal chemical assault devastated our community. It was an all-out extermination. Only those of us with the most protected hiding places survived. My ancestors were some of the lucky few.
Generations were devastated. Food supplies were unreliable as the chemicals contaminated nearly everything we had. We didn’t know what was safe and what wasn’t, and there were many times we had to take our chances and await the results. The truly desperate were often unwitting sacrifices as they ate what they could without concern for the result, figuring that they would die one way of the other so a chance to live until tomorrow was worth the risk of dying today. The days and nights were never void of the screams of the dying.
The time came for me to have my own offspring. Many of my brood were felled by the environmental toxins our enemies spread across the landscape like mines. The stores my ancestors left were exhausted and I could avoid going to hunt no longer. My remaining offspring needed to be fed. I needed to feed.
I waited until the darkest hours. The enemy’s camp was silent and still. There was no better time to take the chance at hunting. I stayed low to the ground and close to cover. I needed to know I could retreat to cover. As I explored the edge of our encampment, I saw a miracle. It was a white canopy of some kind that ranged from the encampment’s edge out into the badlands. We tried to avoid the badlands at all costs. It was too vast and too exposed to risk at any time. Cover meant survival.
I set forth to explore this structure. There was no lore about such a thing. Perhaps it was new. Perhaps more recent generations didn’t have a chance to share this discovery because of the war. Fewer and fewer returned from hunting these days. I saw another of my kind, younger and bolder than I. I watch this cousin move beneath and within this construct. After a considerable amount of time observing, I decided that the risk was minimal and approached the structure with hopes of a swift, rewarding hunt and swift retreat.
Almost as soon as I had entered the foreign space, blinding light flared. I froze as did the other of my kind. The structure disoriented me. I didn’t know which way safety lay in. I could only hold still and hope that the Great Dark would save me. Suddenly, the construct rose up. My kin and I scattered. Terror blinded me as much as the light did. All I could do was run in a chaotic pattern as fast as I could. Where was home? Where was the dark? Something splashed onto my back. It smelled of lemongrass, and immediately struck terror into my being. This is what some of our dying smelled like. I was having more difficulty making my body move where I wanted it to go. More fluid splashed down on me. My kin had already fallen on her back, the death throws underway. If I could only find the dark. I knew I didn’t have much time left, but at least I could die in my beautiful dark. I fell onto my back. I knew there was nothing else for me then. I would not be getting back up. And no one would know my story.
Please forgive my silence It is not easy to converse When I don't have much to say Not for want of company But for lack of breath to speak I have been gasping lately In pain In tears In prayer Gasping for air in a chest too tight On days when getting up takes All my might All my fight Please forgive my silence My burdens are so much to bare I hold myself too tightly wound For fear of shaking into pieces And if I set my voice free I worry what will become of me
Sometimes when I lay down my head All tucked up tight upon my bed I drift and float and start to dream Cascades of words just like a stream I wonder at this gift of mine Delighted I can dream in rhyme No two dreams are quite the same My poet's mind did birth this game Though rhyming dreams are often fun It's time to call this poem done.
Do not pull me from this place too soon This place between waking and dreaming You see The moon is singing A song meant only for me She sings of hope and wonder I must stay here and hear her Just a while longer Embraced by her soft silver light Her welcoming night Full of mystery Legacy Lunacy Soon she will set the stars to ringing A cacophonous celestial pealing Then I know our evening Is at its ending That soon I must be leaving This glorious realm Between waking and dreaming Where I dance with the singing moon Please Do not wake me too soon
I don’t know what the New Year will bring But I promise to wake everyday Loving myself more, To honor my own needs, and To breathe life into the magic of my deepest dreams. It is time for me to live an intentional life.
Sit with me Speak to me of Philosophy Art Spirituality Poetry Sexuality
Share with me the Beauty of your experience The intricacies of your dreams Tell me how lemons taste to you Describe to me the complexity of scent and flavor Of your whiskey Invite my deepest curiosities My darkest dreams and desires To sit at your table As you dine upon every thought Savoring each exchange Like a finely crafted meal And I will do the same
Join me in unguarded honesty Lose yourself in focused curiosity Paint my soul with meaningful words Excite me by challenging my beliefs Without burning them in shame Or drowning them in judgement
Stay here with me Suspended in the silken web We have woven between Infinite synchronized heartbeats We have crafted a spell from Two souls orbiting each other Do not let it end Until the sun greets the world anew
Watch my lips as I speak With your eyes burning with hunger I will meet you on that threshold Captivated by your mouth As you share your inner self In a verbal strip tease I drop the last of my pretense At your feet and wonder if you noticed Now the little distance between us feels too far I am all too aware of my body's pull toward yours It feels inevitable and I know you feel it too The spark of radiant connection that captures us
Words slow then stop Only body language remains Plump lips Flushed skin Fluttering lashes Subtle smiles Unbreakable eye contact Goosebumps And all from a conversation The best kind of foreplay