My significant other
Is more other than significant now
I wish I felt better about this fact
I do not miss the now of him
I’m still in love with the then of him
When love knocks you can never know
The beauty or horror in its entourage
You believe love can conquer all
And learn that love is often not enough
My significant other left
A significant mark on me
That is hardly insignificant
-gws
The enduring redwood is dead
Meant to withstand
Storm and fire and drought
Heartwood rotted from within
Disease and neglect
Claimed their prize
A reminder that
Sometimes good things die
-gws
What I'm thinking is:
This is hard shit.
That sometimes grabbing that fact by the throat and screaming in its face is necessary from time to time.
Sometimes sitting in the shadow of that truth is required when our spirits are tired and our hearts so broken.
And when we're done, we rest. We breathe. And we rise and fight some more.
Because we're mothers.
-gws
Grief is an unwelcome friend
Yet she calls just the same
She sits down right beside me
As she gently speaks my name
She offers me her open hand
Even though I flinch away
Grief’s lived this scene so many times
She knows that she must stay
I beg and plead for her to go
I do not want her here
Yet Grief still sits right by my side
And whispers in my ear
She tells the story of love and loss
Of memories most dear
Until I finally understand
Why Grief is sitting here
Grief comes when something dear is lost
With a simple job to do
Her company is but the cost
Of loving something true
So turn her not away, good friends
Though welcome she’ll not be
Grief reminds us how we’ve loved
With the gift of memories
-gws
I grieve you
The you I fell in love with
The you who glowed when you laughed
The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead
But you are gone
No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again
Beneath the monster who wears your skin
The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you
I know it is not you
It is an echo of you
A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you
I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won
Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction
Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you
I grieve my hope for you
For us
For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare
I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease
I loved you
I lost you
I’m sorry
-gws
Black walls splashed with red light
Black pedestals shoot up from the floor
Every odd stalagmite topped with dark tributes
Each a void
A violent event horizon
Containing a blackness so deep
The minimal luminescence of the room
Feels blinding by comparison
Like calls to like
The black hole I hold
The emptiness that inhabits the center of me
Demands it’s recompense
Otherworldly hunger crawls up my throat
Forcing my chest to expand as I open wide my jaw
I inhale deeply
Tears stream
The void within me begins to consume
Every point of absence in the room
Monuments yield their hollow prizes to me
Each devouring punctuated by a scream
Inhale a void
Exhale a scream
Until there are only walls
Red light
And echoing screams
-gws
Joy and grief have made strange bedfellows in me
As my smile breaks so does my heart
I do not know when their synchronicity began
I do know I wish their relationship would end
Allowing me my lightness
Not pulled down by pain
This emotional eclipse as regular as heartbeats
A quiet walk in cool, cathedral woods
Interrupted by the unexpected sharp snap of a branch underfoot
Sending a flurry of birds screaming into the sky
Like storming clouds suddenly covering the sun on a perfect day
Of course joy needs pain so that they can tell themselves apart
Trauma and struggle have conjoined them in me
No scalpel skilled enough to detach them into their unique parts...
Or at least not yet
Behind each smile lies is a threatening tear
Every laugh has a sob waiting in the wings
I will chaperone this opposing pair
Let them fill me as they will
Sweet nectar and bitter pill
At least I'm blessed enough to feel
-gws
I have no smiles for you today
I will not push away my melancholy
My face is painted in shades of grief I refuse to hide
I have hidden my pain
My shame
My fear
My rage
For far too long
I will not hide this grief from view
I will not bury deep my truth
I have suffered for years in silence
I will do my mourning in the light
I am red and raw
Bruised and beaten
Emerging from nightmares
Questing toward a life unburdened
Dead dreams crunching underfoot
Like so many fallen leaves
Shattered hopes glittering
Like shards of glass in my wake
I have no smiles for you today
My mourning clothes are on display
And when its done things may not change
I have put all my masks away
-gws
I don't feel well today
Reverberating echos of broken dreams
Aching pervasive guilt
Persistent pointless hope
That will not stay snuffed out
Nothing is wrong
And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today
The sun still rose in a misty pink sky
The flowers are blooming and busy with bees
Birds sing songs of spring awakening
Amongst the newly sprouted leaves
Nothing is wrong
And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today
Warm afternoon sunlight dries tears
That slip from beneath my sunglasses
The world assaults my senses
Too loud, bright, fast
Nothing is wrong
And I hurt just the same
I don't feel well today
I am told that time heals
That I'm doing the right things
That I didn't cause it
I can't control or cure it
Nothing is wrong
And I hurt just the same
-gws
I have worn my tear stains like war paint
The flush of agony, despair, and rage, too
I have unleashed keening so potent
The gods stopped to answer
With a path to deliverance
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 