I find myself standing upon another threshold Bags packed Affairs ordered The past at my back as I stand poised to step into my future In this liminal space I wish to pause To linger in this brief moment Between heartbeats Between footsteps To reflect on this transition
I have packed the important things Lessons Friendships Memories Love Potential Hope I have purged the obsolete Pain Fear Illusions Expectations Obligations A version of a life I outgrew
I note my era of milestones Marriage Motherhood Misery greater than a person should ever hold
I will miss the map pin piercing the shape of what has been and always will be home Marking the places and people that ripened me into the woman I am Whose stories now inform my mythology
The second hand strains I breathe in one more breath Infuse the ether of a fading life Into the nucleus of my cells As I complete my crossing Into the dawn of my new life
My significant other Is more other than significant now I wish I felt better about this fact I do not miss the now of him I’m still in love with the then of him When love knocks you can never know The beauty or horror in its entourage You believe love can conquer all And learn that love is often not enough My significant other left A significant mark on me That is hardly insignificant
And so comes the end of the heaviest chapter The plot twisted dramatically In the hands of an unreliable narrator Linear time fractured Slowed Ran backward Perspectives shifted Creating more confusion than clarity
Muted colors of nostalgia dull recollections Emotional sharpness blunted The hollow ache of a long goodbye Completed with the deliberate placement Of an arch-ending period.
The next act begins with a page turn “THE NEXT CHAPTER” written atop it
When you came into my life You promised to be my everything You destroyed everything instead My hopes My dreams My confidence My joy My ability to love you My ability to love me So I made sure to take everything When I left
Slow to emerge from the long shadows And still brushing off the cobwebs of shame, doubt, and fear I begin to wonder what awaits me Who awaits me
The question nauseates me I'm not ready to open my heart Nor do I expect to be ready any time soon And yet I find myself wondering Will there be another My heart fearfully whispering, "Will I get a second chance?"
I'm not ready to fall in love again I am only longing for the magic of falling The elation that comes from feeling seen Feeling chosen Because all I wanted for so long Was to feel chosen To be enough
I am working to remember how to love me How to be enough for myself How to appreciate my perfect imperfections How to forgive the choices I made to survive I must become reacquainted with me
My future is tabula rasa Full of possibilities Bursting with opportunity to craft a life I want to live And blessed with time to heal from a life I endured I embrace my next chapter gratefully Even as my knees quake with each step forward
My blank slate has its first word: freedom Its second word: peace I think that's a beautiful place for a new story to start
I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
This above all To thine own self be true But damn Is that a hard thing to do I want to hold To my own principles To set firm my jaw And without a pause Hold firm the ground I'm planted upon But when I say no You refuse to move on Turning my insides Upside and down Knitting my eyebrows And causing a frown Why is honoring me Such an ask It's not like I'm begging Some outrageous task I'm asking for only Mutual respect Yet you recoil As if you were decked Leaving me feeling Like I've caused you harm While my heart is rattling My chest in alarm Now I'm a monster For making my needs A priority which Leaves you aggrieved One day soon I will disavow Ownership of What's forced on me now I will figure out how To my own self be true And with peace in my heart I will leave you
When I met you You were charming But nowhere near perfect You were charismatic But endearingly flawed You were looking for a party But you accidentally found a home
When you met me I was unapologetically myself But I was naive I was willing to take risks But not necessarily with my heart I was looking for experiences But accidentally found connection
What I didn't know Was what a damaged soul looked like What I didn't know Was that you were a blackhole gobbling the light
What you didn't know Was I was a whole universe What you didn't know Was divine light cannot be devoured
We didn't begin as we ended We started as a soft glow Hopeful and carefree I couldn't tell you when I think the inferno began
I became the fuel that you would burn Trying to fill your infernal yearning The gaping emptiness inside of you With a meaningful light That once was me
I thought if I loved you enough I would somehow be enough To sate your appetite for more But all you were was an insatiable maw And I a blazing star Who's fire was never bright enough Who's light could never warm you up Because black holes cannot be quenched They can only demand - MORE
So I became a comet with a star at its core My corona full of survival and fury Breaking free of your event horizon I would not be devoured by your darkness
Now no light surrounds you You have consumed all else you had Nothing orbits you but cold and quiet The space around you dead
When you met me We had hope we could love each other well When I left you Was to heal from just how far I fell But I'm a girl with phoenix wings And a star within my heart I blaze a trail across the sky As I make a fresh new start
Words Wishes and Wisdom 