This weekend sees another rotation around the sun completed
This weekend sees me trying to solve some of the hardest challenges of my adulthood
This weekend sees me reluctant to do any celebrating
Forty-six
Forty-six years of joys and heartaches
Of tryings and learnings
Of experimentation and exploration
I think on the six year old me
The sixteen year old me
The twenty-six year old me
The thirty-six year old me
Each of these stages of my life reflect a different person than I am now
Softer, more optimistic, more naive and innocent versions of me
I am grateful for all of my experiences as they have shaped me
They have forged me in fire and tempered me in ice water
My scars and wounds show that I have lived and loved
They show that I have tried and failed and gotten back up
I am graced to have the gift of experience and perspective
For you can only obtain these gifts by living
Although I may not be bathing in the contentment I dreamed I'd have at this age
The journey is not over
There are more tales to be lived and pages to be written
More love to be given and received
Everyday that the sun rises, there is hope to create the narrative I want for myself
Being an adult is scary and contrary to popular belief
No one knows what they are doing
We're all just making it up as we go along
And trying to learn from those who have already been there
There's no getting it right
Only doing our best at every step we're able to take
So here's to forty-six
May dreams manifest
May peace prevail
May I continue to grow, and love, and learn in all things I do
-gws
I wander amongst the damp earth and moss covered trees.
I walk by the water where the stones are worn smooth and reflect on how life has polished and refined me.
-gws
I took a walk under warm October skies. Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field. As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch. She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy. She smiled back in acknowledgement.
But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing. I never got to be excited about getting married. Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun. Another discovery. Another confrontation. Another meltdown. Another confession. Another betrayal. Another, "I'm sorry." Another. Another. Another... Stolen joy. Disappointment. Hurt. Reassessment. Promise. Betrayal. Apology...
I envied that woman's excitement. More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness. I knew neither.
I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different. I wondered if it should have been different. I wondered if it should be different. I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be.
-gws
Gentle Mother, Goddess of Light
Who is my provider and peacemaker
My guardian and counselor
Who is my teacher and my grace
I lay my weary head down upon your thigh
And relax into your comforting embrace
As a child with her mother
I release my fears and worries over to your care
And float, unburdened, in the warmth of your love
I bare to you my imperfections and am reminded that I am exactly as I am meant to be
I ask you to guide me to always do the next right thing
I ask you to remind me to be as forgiving of myself as you are of me
My love and trust in you are perfect
As your love and guidance for me is perfect
Help me to be where my feet are
Help me to manifest strength when I need
Help me to think and act with compassion for others and myself
Help me to forgive more willingly
Help me to know and live my truth regardless of others' understanding of it
Help me to set aside my defenses and listen with empathy
Help me to find a little more patience when I fall short
Help me to know when to stand and when to withdraw
May I be humbled and inspired by you
And may I manifest your motherly love in all directions I travel in this life
-gws
I will slow and be observant of this moment
I will breathe deep and remember that Divinity is suspended within that breath
I will release expectations and surrender to the experience of unfolding
I will still myself and listen to the music in the rustling of wind in leaves
I will raise my face and rejoice in the splashing of rain
I will find magic in my children's laughter
I will be watchful for the spontaneous manifestation of joy
I will allow space for silence so I can leave room to hear my own soul speak
I will radiate compassion for myself and others
I will love myself at lease as much as others love me
I will forgive myself when I forget my grace
I will practice replacing anger and resentment with empathy for the other
I will stop to replenish my own cup before trying to fill the cups of others
I will try shifting my perspective when I am conflicted in order to scout a path through
I will accept myself as I am for I am perfectly imperfect as a forever evolving work in progress
I will always stand back up despite life's bruises and pain even if it takes me a minute for I am resilient
I will remember that strength is also knowing when to rest and relinquish and try again tomorrow
-gws
Sitting deep in my resentments
Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow
Of dreams eviscerated
Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant
Of a vision shattered and danced upon
As if it was the wicked witch’s grave
Years of work wiped away
Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful
Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 