Category: Emotions

October Eclipse

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I took a walk under warm October skies.  Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field.  As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch.  She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy.  She smiled back in acknowledgement.

But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing.  I never got to be excited about getting married.  Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun.  Another discovery.  Another confrontation.  Another meltdown.  Another confession.  Another betrayal.  Another, "I'm sorry."  Another.  Another.  Another...  Stolen joy.  Disappointment.  Hurt.  Reassessment.  Promise.  Betrayal.  Apology...

I envied that woman's excitement.  More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness.  I knew neither.

I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different.  I wondered if it should have been different.  I wondered if it should be different.  I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be.

-gws

@wordswishesandwisdom

Happy National Poetry Writing Month #wordswishesandwisdom #poetry #poetrytok #poem #poet #NaPoWriMo #writer

♬ original sound – GWS

Resentment

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Sitting deep in my resentments
Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow
Of dreams eviscerated
Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant
Of a vision shattered and danced upon
As if it was the wicked witch’s grave
Years of work wiped away
Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful 
Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day
-gws
@wordswishesandwisdom

Resentment read by gws #wordswishesandwisdom #poetry #poetrytok #poem #poet #writer

♬ original sound – GWS

Soul Cave

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There is a place deep within me where I go when the world is too much
In that place sounds are muffled
Light is dimmed
All of the harshness that is too overwhelming is dampened down and pushed away
When I arrive in that place, I am already so weary and worn
I'm struggling to breathe
Struggling to cope
Struggling to not give in to the crushing pressure of life
No one can reach me there, not really
In that dark and quiet place I am safe to process my feelings
Safe to release the pressure valve on my emotions
Safe to feel exactly what I feel without worry of judgment or contempt
Sometimes I wish I could just stay there
But I'm a mother and a wife and an employee
The real world doesn't stop spinning
Responsibilities do not stop needing attention
Children do not stop needing guidance and love
Husbands do not take leave of their expectations for what a wife should be doing
Employers do not stop expecting you to show up and be productive
So in that shelter I do my best to let go of what I can
To surrender to the sorrows, the tears, the fears, the doubts, the broken dreams, the disappointments
I let it all flow out like water into this grotto
Hopefully to be cleansed
And by releasing these things I pray to be renewed enough to keep going
Even as my knees shake and my back aches and my voice quivers 
And the tears flow
I pick myself up
Straighten my battered crown
Wipe the tear tracks from my cheeks
And reapply the mask as I chant a prayer begging for serenity
And step back into the bright, loud, ever demanding world again
-gws
@wordswishesandwisdom

Soul Cave read by gws #wordswishesandwisdom #poetry #poetrytok #poet #poem #writer

♬ original sound – GWS

The Assignment

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I was tasked to write out my feelings regarding someone who was one of the biggest adversarial people in my whole life.  The exercise designed to help me relinquish and release my long held rage and resentment.  I wrote seven and a half pages.  I ran out of words.  But I didn't run out of rage.

I have carried molten, violent, unfulfilled rage toward this person for at least a decade.  This person is dead, and yet I still hold a belly full of rage.  Raw, ragged, bitter, acidic rage.

It consumes such resources with its existence.  I have carried this wicked ember for so long that despite the fact that it no longer serves a purpose, I don't know how to release it or extinguish it.  It is a companion I have grown too used to despite despising that it exists at all.  I also cannot help but wonder how life will feel without the burn I've become so used to.  

I feel it sitting like a silent scream, desperate to wrack my body in ragged convulsions of hot tears and roaring sobs.  I feel that if I were to relinquish my hold on it, the rage would wring me dry, and maybe consume me outright.  It feels like once the bottle is uncorked and the demon released, its force, alone, will use me up in a blinding, all-encompassing, soul-fire blaze.

Will I survive it?  What will be left of me?  What lies beneath it?  What will take the place it leaves empty and desolate?  Will I be the same when it's done with me?

gws