I spent too much time curled into myself in the dark Screaming into nothingness "Please SEE me!" Staring at my own reflection Struggling to be my own witness Watering my seeds of worthiness With bitter, hopeless tears Whispering "You matter" at soulless silvered glass While my hollow reflection stared blankly back Unmoved
I was looking for the focus of the blind Begging for the acknowledgment of Narcissus Looking for shelter under a tree that offered no shade Trapped in a circle of salt crusting my eyes Unable to find a patch of sunlight in winter Shackled starving sacrifice Ignorant I held the key in my hand To the shackles I forged and fitted myself
When I was thoroughly cried out Starved so long I felt sated I chipped away the concretion obscuring my vision To discover I was surrounded by pinpoints of light Lanterns bobbing at the edges of my shadows I turned the key and let the shackles fall away Pressed my fingers to the tally marks I carved in the leafless tree And crawled toward those hopeful orbs As I got closer they began to coalesce Becoming a chorus of light
From that light came strong and gentle hands Lifting me to my feet Embracing me Murmuring words of love and encouragement Safety and serenity Pride and comfort They fed and watered me Cared for me tenderly And reminded me how to do the same for myself They shined their warm light upon me They sang and celebrated me
I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know how to adult Waking up everyday to Some new unknown challenge I’ve been told that God doesn’t Give you more than you can handle They don’t tell you God lays out A buffet of mild to spicy experiences I don’t think I’m a fan of buffets
I grieve you The you I fell in love with The you who glowed when you laughed The you who loved me for loving your vulnerability
You are not dead But you are gone No hope or prayer or wishing will bring you back
I can’t help but want to see you again Beneath the monster who wears your skin The one who ate away the soul of you over long years
If I hear you I know it is not you It is an echo of you A remnant used by the monster to try to lure me back
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you I watched you struggle to save yourself but the monster won Drowned you in anger, hurt, bitterness, and addiction Consumed you from the inside out
I grieve you I grieve my hope for you For us For our family
I grieve the dream turned nightmare I grieve the loss of myself in the torrent of your disease I loved you I lost you I’m sorry
Asking for help often feels like failure Like challenging my shame to a duel Dueling with my shame is graceless and ugly Inflicting a million tiny self-judging cuts To my compromised self-esteem
I try to grab onto the radiating love When the call for help is answered Letting that love eclipse my shame Transmute that shame with humble gratitude Into worthiness I know those who offer their support Do so selflessly because to them I am worthy Even when I don’t feel so
I have worn my tear stains like war paint The flush of agony, despair, and rage, too I have unleashed keening so potent The gods stopped to answer With a path to deliverance
There are days I’m not ok Or hours Or minutes Or breaths The doubt suffocating Grief a scream locked deep in my chest I am reminded I am making the right choices Shown proof of it again and again Did you know the right things can Sometimes feel so terribly wrong
Sometimes the fear rises The paralyzing fear of all the ugliness I so desperately seek freedom from You never believe you’re conditioned To feel you deserve abuse until you are Until your stomach drops as the energy changes And your breathing quickens And you start calculating how bad their rage will be this time
Words bruise so much worse than fists The self doubt stripping your confidence The gaslighting destabilizing reality despite Your inner voice calling out the lies in all of it Knowing that there is no defense when you Are forced to wear the badge of victimizer Despite being the real victim Because it makes them feel powerful and justified Emotional abuse is a mind fuck of the worst degree And some people make a career of the art of it
In this breath This minute This hour This day I am not ok They say I will be someday
Words Wishes and Wisdom 