You are a Storm

You said I was your rock
But rocks succumb
To weather and water
And you are a storm
-gws

Still Raging and Wild

"You are kind and show such grace."
Thanks, but my self control does not erase
That I'll still punch you in the face

I practice gratitude
To alter my attitude
And manage the triggers that ruin my mood

So just because I choose to invoke
A gag order upon my own throat
Know that I am no joke

You will find my manner is mild
But don't get it twisted, Child
I am still raging and wild

-gws

Wounded Not Broken

You are not broken
You are wounded

Broken things have damage
That can only be repaired
They are forever left weakened
And will always be at risk
Of the repair failing one day

Wounded things can heal
If you tend them gently and well
Wounds knit and the scar tissue makes them stronger
Wounds stretch and though they may ache from time to time
They will strengthen
Though forever altered
Healing makes the wound whole again

So you, too, will stretch and strengthen
You will grow stronger
The wound cannot be unmade
And its scar will be a landmark upon you
Reminding you that you survived
And you became stronger for it

Be gentle with your self judgment
You are wounded
Not at all broken
And you can and will heal
With patience, time, and tender care

-gws

Recipe for Spite

A quart of anger
A pinch of shame
A tablespoon of rage
And a dash of pain
A pint of sorrow
And a gallon of regret
Blend them together
And let them ferment
Let set until sufficiently bitter
Serve cold to set the liquor
Some may disapprove of spite
But as humble pie
It tastes just right

 - gws

Roller Coaster Healing

It is said healing is not linear.  My healing journey must be the most intense roller coaster ever constructed.
-gws

Love Spells

Beware love spells.
Beware the wanting.
Beware the asking.
You may get more than you bargained for.

-gws

I used to write for you

I used to write for you
Now I only write about you
You do not have the patience
Or maybe the capacity for poetry

 -gws

When the Pain is Greater

"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."

"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."

Every time your resentments flow like tidal waves
I drown in a truth that is brighter than the sun
You didn’t want this life
You didn’t want me

You thought by choosing me you were…
...making right on the injuries you inflicted
...picking the girl who would be steady and sure
...thumbing your nose at your conservative parents
...proving something to your sisters
...doing what was expected of you by your family and society
...doing what you expected of yourself

You might have loved me once
But you don’t know how to love yourself
And unless you can love yourself
You cannot love anyone else
And we all suffer
You
Me
The kids
In trying to manifest some imagined expectation you believe the world burdened you with
You have doomed us to a hollow, lonely existence

In the darkest moments, I sometimes wish you had never come back
After you walked away all those years ago
I sometimes think the man I fell in love with never returned
You went out for bread and just never came back
Only your demons returned wearing your face

Time has not been kind to us
Nor has it bred kindness in us
Though I think I really tried
But the steel in your eye and the edge in your voice
As you lay down my assigned crimes in a quiet growl
Eviscerates me over and over for
The crimes of a world that doesn't adhere to your desires 

It hurts to love you
And I don’t know if I have it in me to continue to try
I am drinking sand in the desert for lack of water
And I am withering inside
So just admit that I am not what you wanted
I am what you thought you should have
A requirement on the test of Life
That allowed you to check the box of successful adulthood

"Hurt people, hurt people," I've heard it said
You are a drowning man who is blindly flailing
Endangering or scaring off those who might help
I accept your life's injury and pain
But I do not accept responsibility for it
And I cannot continue to endure your wrath to heal you

"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."

"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."

-gws

Random Occurrences from My Window

Episode 1

This was the guy as seen from my window – gws

So, I just witnessed a random occurrence from my dining room window. Captured by the hazy, early afternoon light, I found myself gazing out of the window not too long after lunch. Everything was as expected for a mid-Spring day until something very odd caught my eye. As I looked out I saw…Jesus. As in Jesus CHRIST. The Messiah. The bearded dude. God Jr. One third of the original pop group, The Holy Trinity. Randomly, at one-thirty in the afternoon, on a Friday, there’s Jesus. He was walking down my street, carrying a slightly smaller than life-sized cross, and headed up the block. He was not walking on the sidewalk. That might have brought a sense of normalcy to the scene. Jesus was walking in the roadway. No people around. No cameras. Just a guy dressed as Jesus on, what I realized, was Good Friday. He was reenacting The Passion as his own show of deep faith. I felt honored to be allowed to witness such a personal act of devotion to faith.

-gws

I still need…

Do you see me?
I’m here!
Over here!
Please look my way.
Right now, if you will.
I need to be seen.
Am I loud enough?
Am I bouncy enough?
Am I doing enough to draw you into me?
I need to be reminded I am important to someone.
To you.
Right now.
My inner child is screaming for recognition.
Just acknowledge me and I promise I will relax.
That feels good.
Thank you.
Wait.
How about a little more?
Wait, don’t go back to what you were doing.
I still crave your attention.
I still am desperate for validation.
I still need.
I still need.
I still need…
 -gws