The leaves change here
Oranges and reds popping out
Amongst stubborn green
The wind shifts
Autumn comes to call
The world leans in here
Demands life to slow down
The quiet season is coming
The world makes ready its winter bed
Telling you to pull out your blankets
Candles and hearthfires
Demanding preparations for long nights
Wood smoke and hot chocolates
And much needed rest
gws
Earthly treasures buried deep
Mined from the richest dirt
Jewels of every shape and color
Amethyst
Russet
Red
Gold
Yellow
Orange
Faceted with eyes
Roasted
Steamed
Boiled
Fried
Crown jewels of my plate
gws
I find myself standing upon another threshold
Bags packed
Affairs ordered
The past at my back as I stand poised to step into my future
In this liminal space I wish to pause
To linger in this brief moment
Between heartbeats
Between footsteps
To reflect on this transition
I have packed the important things
Lessons
Friendships
Memories
Love
Potential
Hope
I have purged the obsolete
Pain
Fear
Illusions
Expectations
Obligations
A version of a life I outgrew
I note my era of milestones
Marriage
Motherhood
Misery greater than a person should ever hold
I will miss the map pin piercing the shape of what has been and always will be home
Marking the places and people that ripened me into the woman I am
Whose stories now inform my mythology
The second hand strains
I breathe in one more breath
Infuse the ether of a fading life
Into the nucleus of my cells
As I complete my crossing
Into the dawn of my new life
-gws
You finally let your mask slip
And with it crumbled the dam I built for you
Made of guilt and grief and pity
You tore it all down with four texts
Relieved me of the strain of false responsibility
By revealing your true and malignant self
Through the dust and dirt
I finally knew what freedom felt like
As the stones tumbled away and the air cleared
I could finally see you sharply
I knew in that moment I had done the right things
A rumble began to rise
As the rage began to ascend
Suppressed beneath my compassion for you
Barricaded by empathy your didn't deserve
Now the pain and hurt and grief and rage
I held back for this last year
Ices my skin
Darkens my eyes
Eliminates my capacity for compassion
And awakens the tactician's skills
The quiet, calculated, dark, divine feminine
Is finally assuming her throne within me
Welcome to my healing era
No fucks are given here anymore
-gws
I want abundance
Ease
I want to vanquish the sense of lack
Back to the emptiness that birthed it
I want joy as plentiful as pollen in spring
Worry to become a dirty word
I want art and literature and poetry
And dancing to the music of my heart
Easy mornings and quiet evenings
My children's laughter endlessly echoing
Against walls papered in their smiles
I want a life where dreams thrive
Where tears fall as frequently
As summer rain in California
I want more than wanting
I demand this
I plant these desires into the world's fertile soil
Water these seeds with whispers of manifestation
I no longer seek permission to light my hearth
I am a sun
I set the world alight with my mere being
I do not seek permission for the life I want
I am here
Now
Already permitted
Already reaping the blessings of the world
Worthy of all the good since birth
A miracle amongst miracles
And today I claim my place
gws
You cannot see me but you can never forget I'm here
I'm etched upon your existence like a tattoo
I am a scar carved into your soul
A memory of a war waged and survived
You have learned to live with me
Learned to navigate the taught tenderness of my edges
I ache when you rain
I pull when you venture too close to familiar flames
You don't notice me much anymore
You've managed to balm my wound well enough
For time and distance to allow me to heal
But I will never be gone
I will always be the quiet reminder of lessons learned
When I ache you remember
There was once a grievous hurt that ripped you open
You remember you have survived
One hundred percent of your bad days
You remember you know how to heal
-gws
At the edge of the longest day
I gathered drops of sunlight into a bottle
Secured it with cord and hung it at my throat
Warmth and light illuminated my path
Freeing me to see that I did not only hold the light
I was the light and the light was me
As I journeyed through the crossroads
I shed the darkness I had allowed to consume me
Abandoned it like a wool cloak on Midsummer day
Moved forward ensconced in my own powerful light
Willing into truth I'd never be dimmed again
I exited the crossroads
The weight of unworthiness falling away behind me
I salted the path as I walked
Erecting a barrier against old demons who might follow
I reminded myself that joy cannot grow in poisoned soil
I vowed to never return to this infertile place
Gnarled roots and sharp thorns grabbed at me
Tried to hold me in that familiar barren land
I would no longer be held
My light became a glowing blade of will
And I rended myself free of the patterns of my past
Leaving them as sacrifices at the edge of this intersection
Of my old life and new
I followed the road's gentle path through new lands
When I came to a willow by a stream
Raw, ravaged and weary
I sat beneath its shaded canopy and allowed myself to rest
I wrapped myself in the cool, green safety beneath its branches
I put down my burdens
I rinsed my wounds
Lulled into meditation by the whispering water
I allowed myself to feel peace in place of vigilance
I listened to the birds above me
The crickets around me
I allowed myself to be present
I allowed myself to feel
The dappled light on my skin
The kisses of the sweet breeze on my cheeks
The cool, damp grass beneath me
The steady, gentle beat of my heart
The slow rhythm of my breathing
In that tranquil place
Of healing
Of new beginning
Of rebalancing
In that moment where I was
Obligated to no one by myself
In that space where I remembered how simple joy can be
I cupped the bottle of sunlight to my chest
And knew I'd never fear the shadows again
-gws
I spent too much time curled into myself in the dark
Screaming into nothingness
"Please SEE me!"
Staring at my own reflection
Struggling to be my own witness
Watering my seeds of worthiness
With bitter, hopeless tears
Whispering "You matter" at soulless silvered glass
While my hollow reflection stared blankly back
Unmoved
I was looking for the focus of the blind
Begging for the acknowledgment of Narcissus
Looking for shelter under a tree that offered no shade
Trapped in a circle of salt crusting my eyes
Unable to find a patch of sunlight in winter
Shackled starving sacrifice
Ignorant I held the key in my hand
To the shackles I forged and fitted myself
When I was thoroughly cried out
Starved so long I felt sated
I chipped away the concretion obscuring my vision
To discover I was surrounded by pinpoints of light
Lanterns bobbing at the edges of my shadows
I turned the key and let the shackles fall away
Pressed my fingers to the tally marks I carved in the leafless tree
And crawled toward those hopeful orbs
As I got closer they began to coalesce
Becoming a chorus of light
From that light came strong and gentle hands
Lifting me to my feet
Embracing me
Murmuring words of love and encouragement
Safety and serenity
Pride and comfort
They fed and watered me
Cared for me tenderly
And reminded me how to do the same for myself
They shined their warm light upon me
They sang and celebrated me
And I was seen
gws
I experienced the blood without feeling
Without feeling the wound
To heal the wound
I must feel the pain
Then do the work
To clean it away
There is no healing
Without feeling
-gws
It's Saturday in the mid 1980s
Fashion Island Mall is hopping
I am at the ice rink
My happy place
Skating circles while the beeps and boops of video games,
The clatter of quarters dropping into the tray of change machines
Spills out of The Gold Mine arcade across the way
Movie goers in neon and Aqua Net buying tickets for
Risky Business
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Ladyhawke
Teen Wolf or
Mannequin
At the DJ booth a 17 year old white boy
Wearing a black sequined windbreaker and a single white sequined glove
Introduces himself as Hollywood Hans
Where he spins vinyl into a vibrant soundtrack featuring
The Bangles
Culture Club
Michael Jackson
Madonna
Eurythmics and
Wham
I am in the midst of it
Skating laps and laps
Avoiding the teen hockey skaters with their scary sharp blades and recklessness
The kids and teens begging Hans to play their favorite songs:
"Play Thriller, Hans!"
"I want Eye of the Tiger!"
"Wake Me Up Before You Go Go!!"
"You got Everybody Wants To Rule The World?"
"It would be rad if you play Like A Virgin!"
"Dude! Play Broken Wings!"
"Like, totally play Love Is A Battlefield"
"Walk Like An Egyptian would be bitchin'!"
You might find me throwing quarters down the gullet of
Dig Doug
Pole Position or
Donkey Kong
While the Zamboni resurfaces the ice once an hour
Or, begging my mom for one of Sbarro's signature giant slices of New York style pizza
A food court staple
Bonus prizes if she throws in an Orange Julius
Aspiring figure skaters owning center ice
Spinning and jumping dramatically
Kristi Yamaguchi among them I'd later learn
I am here to glide in endless circles to the music
Flying fast and free
Occasionally spinning or trying to Shoot the Duck
With mixed results
Singing along to all of the songs
Always sad when Hans calls the last skate of the session
Reluctantly drying my blades
Pulling on my skate guards
Following my mom out of the mall to the car
Exhausted and happy
Already dreaming of the scratch of blades on smooth resurfaced ice
The rhythms of the 80s
Taking my broken wings and helping me to fly again
Time after time
A holiday
For a girl that just wants to have fun
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 