I find myself standing upon another threshold Bags packed Affairs ordered The past at my back as I stand poised to step into my future In this liminal space I wish to pause To linger in this brief moment Between heartbeats Between footsteps To reflect on this transition
I have packed the important things Lessons Friendships Memories Love Potential Hope I have purged the obsolete Pain Fear Illusions Expectations Obligations A version of a life I outgrew
I note my era of milestones Marriage Motherhood Misery greater than a person should ever hold
I will miss the map pin piercing the shape of what has been and always will be home Marking the places and people that ripened me into the woman I am Whose stories now inform my mythology
The second hand strains I breathe in one more breath Infuse the ether of a fading life Into the nucleus of my cells As I complete my crossing Into the dawn of my new life
The wanderer in me craves to shoot our arrow at the stars and let them drag us away from the responsibilities and hardships of our mundane life toward the horizon of dreams and the freedom of possibilities
I fucking hate homework And projects And assemblies And parent-teacher conferences It’s a gauntlet of pushing and pulling Begging and beguiling Praying and pleading I have to pretend I know what I’m doing Convince teachers I’m a capable parent When I feel like the absolute worst I’ve used all the gas in my emotional tank Before my children walk back in the door “What’s for dinner, Mom?” “I ripped my pants, Mom.” “I have a field trip, Mom.” “I have a project due on Monday, Mom.” There are more moments than I am proud of Where I mourn my party of one days Then one of my sons says “I love you, Mama.” Points to my chest and asks “Are you ok in there, Mama?” Takes my phone and tucks me in and says “You’re sick, Mama. You need to rest.” I start feeling like less of a fuck up Like I might be getting something right Like we all might just be alright
Before I enter my “Healed Woman” era I must detour into my “Villain” era You see… I was cast in the villain role for so long I might as well embrace the casting for a term With that said… Do not be concerned at my black wardrobe My blood red lips Do not pay mind to my near silent mumbling As I light candles and cast salt about Fret not over my narrowed, focused eyes Rimmed in thick black liner As I observe and calculate my options Do not wonder about the herb-coated offerings Laid out beneath the full moon None of it is your concern Cross the street Avert your gaze Do not trouble yourself wondering in my direction I’m embracing my dark side Doing my shadow work If my shadow is meant to fall upon you You will know
I am from slave ships, cotton fields, and courthouse slave trades I am from generations of strong women who fought to do more than simply survive From an oldest, broken white son with a poet's heart and a love of rivers I am from a youngest, determined black daughter who sacrificed so much for those she loves
I am from a loving grandmother who wore her traumas as bitterness While she fixed fried chicken and collard greens with ease I am from Saturday morning chores with the "golden oldies" playing I am from love and struggle and sacrifice, the latter two I was rarely aware of I am from church on Sundays to commune with a God I knew better than most in that place And who wore a virgin mother's countenance
I am from morning and afternoon cartoon blocks And Saturday mornings in front of the TV singing to School House Rock I am from riding my bike for miles and for hours I am from being too curvy to be a real dancer While I danced my heart to joyful dust on every stage I am from having so much to say but rarely feeling heard I am from watching TV at the same time as a friend while on a phone attached to a wall And playing chicken with who will hang up before a parent yelled at both of us to get off the phone
I am from acid washed jeans, baby doll tops, denim, velour, and asymmetrical collars and hems Hammer pants, jelly shoes, banana clips, mismatched pairs of accessories, side ponytails From French-cut leotards, stirrup pants, Lycra biker shorts, flavored lip gloss, and neon everything
I am from My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Bright, Cabbage Patch Kids, He-Man, and She-Ra I am from Voltron, Robotech, GI Joe, Snorks, Smurfs, reruns of Loony Tunes, and Scooby-Doo From Newton's Apple, Square One TV, 321 Contact, Not Another Science Show, and Read It I am from Garbage Pail Kids, Magic: The Gathering, Pogs, and Beanie Babies I am from "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret?" and "The Dollhouse Murders" From Choose Your Own Adventures, and Encyclopedia Brown Christopher Pike, Diane Duane, collections of "true" ghost stories and tales of the strange
I am from Dallas, Dynasty, Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries Fantasy Island, The Cosby Show, and The Wonderful World of Disney I am from "At the sound of the tone *chime sound* turn the page." From hitting record on my tape deck hoping to catch my favorite song without a DJ's voice I am from Fisher Price record players, dual tape decks, and dropping mix tapes for mix CDs From VHS winning over beta-max and laser disc From spending hours in mall bookstores, arcades, and food courts
I am from dreams and imaginings Soap bubble fairy wishes and hours of made up worlds alone and with friends From possibilities and plans I am from "You will have more than I did." And "You will want for little." I am from a loving mother who never let me feel alone I am from good friends who never made me feel like the weird kid I kinda was I am from "You are as good, if not better, than EVERYONE else, and don't you forget it!" And "You can do anything you put your mind to."
I am from a tapestry of experiences and influences From a variety of adventures and explorations I am from a life full of love and support and as much opportunity as could be afforded And though not always easy or smooth I am from the just-right mix that created the me you see
You don't know me
But you think you do
I am the one who rides
The one who looks out from the eyes with impartial curiosity
I am here
I am, also, not
I am the third person perspective
Existing in a first person world
Standing in front of you
But hiding in plain sight
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 