You were never mine
You were too transient to be considered mine
Too non-committal
But you attached yourself to me anyway
You kept coming back to knock on my door
And I kept letting you in
You wouldn't let go of me
Though you didn't really want me
And I was too blind
Trusting
Hopeful to acknowledge the truth I knew in my bones
That I'd never be enough for you
Because you didn't know what enough felt like
You were a bottomless pit of need that could not seem to be filled
I kept pouring into you
Until I was empty
And it wasn't enough
I always found ways of putting pennies in your cup
While mine lay abandoned and empty at our feet
Both of us left hungry and growling
Snapping and swiping at each other
Bloody
Broken
Damaged
Miserable
And for God knows what reason
Still unable to let go
I wished you had just let me go
And that I let you
-gws
I need fire
Passion
Excitement
I need curiosity and
Deep conversations in dark corners
Long walks in nature in comfortable silence
I need art
And dance
And song
And philosophy
I need magic
And mystery
And unicorns
I need amazing dinners
Fancy cocktails
And whispered secrets over candlelit tables
I need rainy day cuddles
Pillow fights
And breakfasts in bed
I need blanket forts
And favorite movies with popcorn
And taking turns reading The Princess Bride out loud for the hundredth time
I need surprise ice cream breakfasts
Slow dancing in the kitchen
And long, involved conversations about our individual dreams
I need connection
Of mind
And of spirit
If you want to love me I need you to
See me
Hear me
Give me room to stretch, explore and grow
And you will be rewarded with experiencing the world
As the magical adventure I know it to be
-gws
You will never love me the way I love you
And that's ok
Because loving you makes me brighter
Loving you gives my words weight
And my dreams color
It's longing for you that I will avoid doing
It's hoping that one day you will love me back
That I cannot let my heart abide
It's not that you do not care
You care deeply
Devotedly
But it is not the same as love reciprocated
And I cannot conflate the two
Or I will drown in heartbreak of my own creation
Instead I sit in the the patch of warm sunlight that is your affection
Feeling content in being seen
Being heard
Being cared for
In ways few others do
I attach cellophane love notes to the walls of my beautiful prison
Declaring "I love you!" in invisible ink that you will never see
You will never love me the way I love you
But you love me nonetheless in your own way
And I will let that be enough
- gws
These Hollywood nights are long The city filled with thousands of souls All of us together yet alone The green and white neon outside my window burns intrusively bright Adding to my restlessness in an unforgiving summer heat I imagine this is what Hell feels like All sweat, restlessness, longing, and need The fan whirls and clicks in the corner of the room Impotent in its efforts to bring relief
I stare at soot-stained walls remembering You are mine and I am yours Though we are neither You haunt my dreams The smell of you The taste of you The dancing electricity of your skin against mine The spark of us igniting together I submerge into the memory of us Distracting myself from the oppression of a city that welcomes no one
I see your silhouette leaning over me when I close my eyes I feel the softness of your lips and the heat of your breath I shiver as goosebumps rise on my too hot skin I can almost feel your hands on my body And the ghost of your lust-heavy voice whispering in my ear I let out an inaudible gasp as rivulets of sweat run races along my throat Reminding me of your fingertips
Sirens suddenly erupt from the street The walls now the stage for the dance of red and blue strobes Reality returns with its harsh shadows and sharp light Razor-edged voices rise up from the sidewalk Flavoring the oppressive night with desperation and power struggles I take a drag off my joint in an attempt to increase the space between me and the world I hold the smoke in my lungs for as long as I can Praying that when I release it that I can float away from this existence with it Back to the place where you held me close in a cool, comforting illusion of love
How do I turn down the pain? How do I stop the loop that repeatedly plays your violent words that pierced my soul? How do we recover from the bomb you threw at our feet so you could feel… Better? Superior? Right? I bled out from the wounds you gave me. I died in front of you, and you didn’t even notice. Worse, you didn’t care. I have returned as a ghost, broken and haunted by unfinished business. You try to act as if you genuinely care, but your concern is just damage control for your guilt. Your guilt will eventually fade, and your resentments will return. But I am already gone.
The time has come to leave the stage
The play is done
And its run complete
The houselights are up
And the audience has departed
Douse the footlights
And extinguish the spot
It's time to remove our costumes
And our makeup
As we are players no more
And yet we linger upon the stage
Yearning for one more act
One more scene
So that we can linger in an illusion
Of happily endings
- gws
"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."
"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."
Every time your resentments flow like tidal waves I drown in a truth that is brighter than the sun You didn’t want this life You didn’t want me
You thought by choosing me you were… ...making right on the injuries you inflicted ...picking the girl who would be steady and sure ...thumbing your nose at your conservative parents ...proving something to your sisters ...doing what was expected of you by your family and society ...doing what you expected of yourself
You might have loved me once But you don’t know how to love yourself And unless you can love yourself You cannot love anyone else And we all suffer You Me The kids In trying to manifest some imagined expectation you believe the world burdened you with You have doomed us to a hollow, lonely existence
In the darkest moments, I sometimes wish you had never come back After you walked away all those years ago I sometimes think the man I fell in love with never returned You went out for bread and just never came back Only your demons returned wearing your face
Time has not been kind to us Nor has it bred kindness in us Though I think I really tried But the steel in your eye and the edge in your voice As you lay down my assigned crimes in a quiet growl Eviscerates me over and over for The crimes of a world that doesn't adhere to your desires
It hurts to love you And I don’t know if I have it in me to continue to try I am drinking sand in the desert for lack of water And I am withering inside So just admit that I am not what you wanted I am what you thought you should have A requirement on the test of Life That allowed you to check the box of successful adulthood
"Hurt people, hurt people," I've heard it said You are a drowning man who is blindly flailing Endangering or scaring off those who might help I accept your life's injury and pain But I do not accept responsibility for it And I cannot continue to endure your wrath to heal you
"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."
"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."
Words Wishes and Wisdom 